Summer time

This has been (to me) a rather lackluster summer. I've been tired a lot (insomnia anyone?) and being 2/3 of the way through my 4th pregnancy hasn't helped. My oldest is away at camp this week, so it's been interesting to see the dynamic shift between the remaining two kids.

I never have an easy time emotionally during camp weeks. It means long days with no consistent help at home and kids that get bored but don't want to do anything constructive to ease the boredom. Thankfully, with this pregnancy, Kyle has been trying to help as much as he can. My mom lived with us during my last pregnancy, and as hard and trying as that experience was, her help was invaluable.

I am looking forward to an extended family vacation coming up soon. That should be a nice time away from camp and a change of scenery. I love the Oregon coast (being that w as where I would go as a child), so waking up to the beach for a week sounds simply divine. I feel fortunate that I married into a great family, so spending a week with them is a lot of fun.

I have been trying to exercise and eat better in the last couple of weeks. I have my glucose test coming up in less than 2 weeks and I would love to pass it. I failed the 1 hour test with my first two, passed with the 3rd, so passing would be great, since we leave for vacation a few days after the test. I have always passed the 3 hour test, but avoiding it is idea. Who wants to spend 3 hours in a lab, being repeatedly poked after drinking a nasty tasting glucose drink? I've noticed that working out has helped my mental state. I always struggle with increased depression around 5-6 months into pregnancy, and being maxed out of my current antidepressant means that I really need to work on alternatives to adding a 2nd medication in. So if it means I have to exercise and then rest, that is what I need to do.

I am trying not to countdown to school yet. We picked up school supplies today, The first day is still over a month away, so it seems pointless to think much about it. I have friends who've had kids go back already or go back in the next few weeks, so it pops in there at times, but not all the time.

The dance of anger

One of the things this pregnancy has brought out in me is an intense temper. I've been quick to snap and slow to cool off. I feel like I'm angry 90% of the time, 9% sad, and "normal" the remaining 1%. It's getting old to say the least. These feelings may largely be due to dealing with a very stubborn little 2 year old girl day in and day out. She is fully in the "I am not listening" phase, which drives me crazy. I hate having to repeat requests, especially when I know the person is not listening and has no intentions of doing so. So having my requests only heeded when I am "scary voice yelling" really irks me. Not only do I feel like a class A jerk, but it makes me get headaches and I'm sure doing not so wonderful things to my blood pressure.

Needless to say, I am fighting off a major case of self-loathing. Being off Wellbutrin is not helping matters. Neither is having to stop writing to vacuum up an almost entire container of silver decorating sugar off the floor after watching said 2 year old unceremoniously dump the contents on the kitchen floor. I'm severely deficient in alone time these days, which will only get worse once the new baby arrives.

This isn't to say I don't love this little girl. She really is the light of my life, but that other little gremlin that takes over is the polar opposite. I wish I had the patience to suffer through the trials with more grace, but I just don't. I spend half the day counting the minutes until the older kids come home and I can "escape" for a few minutes, if I haven't convinced the 2 yr old we should nap earlier in the afternoon. Today was not one of those days.

Square one...again

Okay, that might be misleading. I'm not really back at square one. I'm pregnant with #4 and no where near where I should be weight or health wise. So I have to try and figure out how to improve my health without taxing my body over the course of spring/summer/fall until I have the baby. I need to make this work. I was at my "birth weight" from the other 3 pregnancies when I got pregnant this time and it's making life a LOT harder. Add in the "advanced maternal age" nonsense (I'm only 3 months past 35) along with my already determined high risk status (my body just likes to birth 18.5" babies), and it makes me wonder what I got myself into.

I am hoping once I can get back on Wellbutrin, I can get back into a better head space to prioritize my health with the hectic life living 20+ miles from the kids' school and town. I need to remember that if I'm not healthy, how can I possibly teach the kids to be healthy, much less be active with them, the way they deserve?

If I have to be honest, I'm insanely jealous of the energy the 3 kids have. I'm also tired of being nagged by Kyle for sleeping so much. This pregnancy has been so hard energy-wise. The nausea has been bad, but not the worst I've experienced. The fatigue and mood swings have really been the tough part. I'm really hoping that the second trimester will provide at least a bit more energy. I can't keep taking 2-3 hour naps every afternoon (after snoozing on and off all morning). In fact, I should be going to sleep now, caffeine after noon has not been my ally against insomnia.

Treading water...mostly

So I've been mentally stuck since having Arden. I've meant to exercise, planned to eat better, but it usually ends up lasting a few days here, a day or two there. Nothing solid, concrete or consistent. It's a disappointment to myself. I'm trying to be forgiving, but at the same time, I'm not holding myself accountable and enabling myself to keep quitting isn't helping me be healthier. I need to make some goals - long and short term - and post them and start posting regularly to be accountable and honest.

So in the last couple of months, I've gained 5 lbs, gone up a pant size (or perhaps admitted I actually don't fit in a size 12 well right now), felt more depressed and irritable than ever. It's been a really rough time. I finally admitted after doing some research and soul searching that I am now on the bipolar disorder spectrum. Not full blown BP1, but definitely more than just clinical depression. I'm now on a mood stabilizer medication that feels like it's making things worse - it isn't - I'm just no longer numb to everything. It's really tough to deal with a full range of emotions when you're used to feeling numbingly depressed all the time. Yes, it is great to feel happy and content again, but it really stinks when your 6 yr old can bring you to tears because not only is she being mean, but her words are hitting home and you realize she's right and you can make it into a teachable moment.

I ran (mostly walked) a 5K on Monday to the tune of around 53 minutes. Definitely not a time I'm proud of, but I originally intended to do some slow intervals for 20-30 minutes, so I'll take it. I went far above and beyond where I planned to take it. I've been meaning to do something since, but the lazy bug bit and I've been slacking again. :( I guess once a week is better than 0 times a week...for now. I'm fully expecting things to be a little chaotic until Noah's done with school in a couple of weeks, then we'll only have one kid in school until late June. Hopefully that will allow me to get the two younger ones in a good day-schedule so I can get a good workout in daily. I got the Jillian Michaels Kickboxing DVD and so far I like it. Not too horrible to ease back into working out - not too easy either. Of course, I skipped the weights the first time I tried workout 1. ;)

I will be back to post my goals once I get them outlined and ready to be made public. Ack!!! I have a long ways to go - less than I have previously, but for some reason it feels so much worse this time. I need to stop comparing my journey with friends that have less to lose, are taller, etc.

Tired of feeling fluffy

Where can one find some motivation to exercise? After having Arden, I feel like a fat blob. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I'm stuck at about 12 lbs down from my pre-delivery weight. :o( I don't know if adding in exercise will change it much, since I'm still exclusively breast feeding the baby, but I'm so tired of the saggy belly.

Now that she's pretty much sleeping through the night, I will hopefully find the energy & motivation to get back to regular workouts. In fact, I'm supposed to go to a Zumba class tonight, taught by a friend I met during Noah's preschool class last year. Hopefully I won't die! ;o) I have only done one other workout, and it was about 4-5 weeks ago. I ran/walked about 2.5 miles and felt okay, but tired. Of course, my body seems jacked up between having a baby 10 weeks ago and getting a depo shot a month ago. I guess I'll just power through and hope I make it. :o)

I need to make time to get back to journaling. I haven't done it regularly since October and I think it helped to get my feelings out on paper. I've had a lot of stress lately and it's definitely not helping dealing with the older two kids. I feel like I'm constantly losing my temper and just being generally unpleasant to be around. :o(

We'll see how I feel after tonight's Zumba class and then I can start to plan a flexible workout plan going forward. I need to remind myself that I need to make time for me and schedule them into my day.

9 Down, 10-11 to go

Shots that is.  Today was the 9th shot.  They're not too bad at all anymore.  Thank goodness! :)  The other good news is that after my last ultrasound, I graduated from Maternal Fetal Medicine because the reasons I was referred have not materialized.  Definitely a relief!  I'm hoping that the 17P is working and I can get through the next 11 weeks at least.  I'm due in 14 weeks from yesterday, 11 weeks puts me at 37 weeks and if I went at my previous gestation, I'd be welcoming a baby girl in 8.5 weeks.  Not nearly that ready! ;)

Fighting a cold, contending with both external kids starting school.  My first baby is in kindergarten!  She's adjusting well.  I wish I could say the same for Noah.  His first day was okay - one meltdown.  Monday was okay, but he didn't want to clean up his snack.  Today, meltdown city.  Definitely made me shocked and slightly embarrassed that he behaved so badly.  Hopefully he'll improve as he gets used to be apart from me more and more.  I'm also hopeful that he'll start to enjoy having friends instead of always telling me they make him mad.

Back to working out, mostly

While it's not super frequent, very vigorous, nor very long in duration, I've pulled myself up by my shoelaces and started doing some exercise.  I am working hard to stop feeling sorry for myself and take advantage of the fact I still have maybe 6 more weeks of energy to exercise in a way that is more than just simple walking and stretching.  I'm still tired a lot, but on my walk the other day, Em joined me for most of my mile-ish walk.  It was nice having a little bit of time to exercise together and she rode her bike for the last 1/4 of a mile.

We have another appointment with maternal fetal medicine coming up on Friday, so another ultrasound, and then a chat with the high-risk OB.  Then I have an appt with my regular OB on the Thursday afterward.  Then it's every 2 weeks with the regular OB & one more appt with the high risk dr in September.  So hopefully everything will check out okay (meaning no *activity* with my body) and we can just keep on as normal for the next month.

Definitely feeling the baby kick a lot more - and more definite kicks and jabs versus the rolling movement.  Hoping the kids and Kyle will be able to feel them from the outside soon.  So we still have 13-18.5 weeks left until the baby comes.  The wide window is just in case the progesterone shots don't work and I have this baby in the same time frame as Em & Noah.  Obviously, I'm hoping that it will be closer to 16-18 weeks that I have left.