Being contemplative

I've been thinking a lot lately. I seem to do that a lot, but I've been trying to pick my brain about life and figure out what is/isn't making me happy. I seem to be grouchy and tired quite frequently and I want to get to the root of the problem and solve it. There are the physical things - low vitamin D, mild hypothyroidism, mild PCOS - then there is the clinical depression and I think seasonal depression is also around the corner.

I have a hard time not beating myself up over this, that, or the other regarding my parenting. I feel like I set myself for disappointment because I have this "ideal" that is impossible to achieve. I know that Em & Noah are well cared for and loved, but I can't shake this feeling there is something I'm doing wrong. I know that all parents feel this way, but the difficulty is in letting go of the need to be perfect. I remember watching an episode of Super Nanny a few months ago where the mom had perfectionist tendencies and it really messed up her daughter. I don't want to do that. I want to let Em learn and make mistakes on her own. I know I used to get so angry with my mom for always hovering and always butting in and not letting me make mistakes. Of course, on the other side, was a parent that was always looking over my shoulder waiting for me to make a mistake. It's such a fine line developing a good sense of trust and avoiding gullibility or mistrust.

There is also the fact that I am turning 30 in less than 5 months. It hasn't really bothered me up to this point, but I always get disappointed with birthday letdown. I'm hoping that I can really just focus on the positives and set some good goals for 1, 5, & 10 years out. There is a weight loss goal to achieve, teaching Em & Noah manners and helping them build a foundation for a full and happy life. I'm sure there are a million other things I could put down, but for me, I think hand writing a list will be more effective.

So, with regard to the weight loss challenge I am taking part in. It is with my M&M's Motivated Moms group on sparkpeople.com. We have a different daily challenge, with weekly weigh ins on Wednesday morning, after Biggest Loser airs. We had our initial weigh in this morning, and I was 162.8. that puts me at 9 lbs down from the beginning of January and about 4-5 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight with Noah. From there, I still have an additional 13 lbs to reach pre-pregnancy weight with Emily. Then, to hit my goal weight of 115, I have 30 more lbs to go. So I think for now, I'll try and reach my total pre-pregnancy weight by the end of the challenge. You would think 13 lbs in at least 16 weeks wouldn't be so tough, but with two little ones around to disrupt workout plans, and my knack for ending up low on the totem pole of receiving (from myself) care, anything after that 13 lbs is gravy!

I think I was roughly around 169-171 when I went to the dr in June dealing with mono and stuff. I'm way overdue for my follow up, but without much improvement during most of the summer, I didn't want to go back with nothing positive to show for the time that had passed. Plus, I've been bad about remembering to take my meds and vitamin D throughout the months. I know I need to schedule it and get the blood work done, but I just feel so ashamed of how I've been eating. Donuts, cake, brownies, cookies, ice cream, chicken nuggets, french fries...yeah, definitely NOT good for my already high cholesterol & triglyceride levels. So, I will try and work really hard, schedule my follow up, go over my plans with the dr. and then go from there. I also need to get my cardio work up done, as I haven't done that either. It's just really hard to get away on a Thursday when I don't have a babysitter, I have MOPs in the mornings and Kyle's mom usually has something going on and can't come up to visit either. The dizzy spells have pretty much stopped. I think I've had about 10 in the last month, which is a major improvement from 80% of the time I got up while I had mono.

So my goal is to get up and workout first thing in the morning. I know it HAS to happen then, or I will make every excuse to skip it the rest of the day. Bad habits die hard. I am resolving to workout in the morning, no computer until after the workout is complete, and to track all of my food, including bites, licks and tastes of food. I will get to my goal weight, and I know as soon as I wean Noah, the weight will start coming off easier, but I will stop making excuses for why it hasn't happened. Those two little angels asleep upstairs deserve to have a mom that values herself and takes good care of her body and mind.

My goals for tomorrow:

1. Track my food intake - regardless if I stay within my calorie range.
2. Drink at least 80 oz of water, more is better.
3. Exercise first thing in the morning for at least 30 minutes, but 60 is better.
4. Be aware of bad habits creeping in - i.e. not drinking enough water, being lazy, not eating proper meals...
5. Return to blog again and post new goals for Thursday.