Stuck

I've been having a tough time lately. Granted, I ran out of thyroid meds - after not getting my levels tested last month, having no time to get to the dr by myself and having no refills, I'm out of luck with that business. I also ran out of "happy pills" and just haven't refilled them yet. I should do that, since I'm grouchy.

Aside from being chemically out of balance, I just realized this morning, while I was pouting about not going to MOPs this week (Em has been sick since Sunday), that I really don't have anything else just for me. With the Em being sick, I have completely run out of patience and the incessant whining is driving me to my wits end. :o( You'd think I could be more sympathetic, since I went through the same illness a week earlier (I lost almost 7 lbs that week!), but she throws herself into a panicked state when it's time to eat. She took 1 bite of a cheeseburger yesterday, gagged and threw up. Seriously getting fed up with it. She had no problems eating fruit snacks and cinnamon toast crunch yesterday. :o\

I've been tasked by Kyle to figure out what else I can do for myself because as I sit here, I start to cry about having nothing for myself. No hobbies, no fun activities, it's always the kids. I hate that Kyle has no time to take off of work. There are just days where I really need to be alone and decompress but that NEVER happens, unless you consider sleeping all day while I was sick that kind of time. There were days when I was still working that I would work from home just so I could be alone and refocus. I can barely spend anytime by myself, even going to the bathroom! I love the kids and staying at home with them is a gift, but I NEED a break.

I haven't worked out really since December, I am grouchy all the time, I'm always tired and I am so disappointed in myself and my attitude. I'm so full of resentment and bitterness. I am not happy, and I know that while a lot of it is my choice to wallow in self-pity because I'm unstimulated and tired. I think perhaps the fact Em chooses to ignore my requests of her more often than not is the biggest catalyst for making me so upset. There is nothing that makes you feel less appreciated than hearing "NO!" screamed at the top of a toddlers lungs ALL DAY LONG. I wish I was being overdramatic, but honestly, it's pretty much all day every day. I'm trying Love & Logic, but right now, I just want to take Noah and let her scream her head off in her room until she passes out from being exhausted. I love her with all my heart, but I don't know how much more of her attitude I can take.