Heartbroken

Today is a hellish day. Em's been fighting and throwing tantrums all morning. I feel like throwing in the towel and hiding in bed for the rest of the day. I'm close to tears and it's all I can do to keep Noah from realizing just how sad I am. I feel like a terrible mother and that I'm doing something severely wrong that my daughter is so mean to me and so disobedient. I shouldn't desperately want to be away from them so much, but I feel like her sole purpose right now is to hit me where it hurts.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I pray, but I feel like it's not helping enough. I feel like I just am the worst person in the world lately. I know I shouldn't just sit and wallow around in self-pity, but when everyday feels like a constant onslaught from toddler-tudes, I can't help but take it personally. Just pray for me and hopefully this phase won't last too much longer.

At least I'm not stress eating. I don't feel like eating at all. Lost my appetite and just feel like shutting down and being alone. I know it will get better, but I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. :o(

1 week down

So last week I really worked hard. I exercised Mon-Thurs. Friday, I took a day off because we were getting up early and trekking down to the in laws who would watch the kids while Kyle and I were off at our retreat for the weekend. I fully intended to exercise Saturday & Sunday, intended to eat carefully and intended to be back on my A game as of Monday. HAH! I was up until lord knows how early Saturday morning, so I was not having any nonsense of getting up early. I did get to sleep earlier on Saturday night, but still was in no mood to do anything on Sunday morning. No clue how much I ate, I just know it was a lot. :o(

It was great to have some time away from the kids, sadly, I was back to bickering with Kyle by the time we landed back in Tacoma from the ferry. I've been really struggling with a lot of stuff that happened when I was younger - lots of unresolved feelings of betrayal, abandonment and many other unpleasant stuff. We had a good talk for most of the way back to T-town, but I'm just not in the greatest emotional place at the moment. I'm hypersensitive and very argumentative lately. Doesn't help that Em is a carbon copy of those traits and so the two of us butt heads like it was the newest fad. :o(

Perhaps a good chunk of it was that I was looking forward to a low key birthday party for Em at home the weekend after Easter, but instead, Kyle agreed to going to Camp Bethel to help at the spring youth retreat without even checking dates. So Em's 3rd birthday party will be with a few of our friends, but mostly people I vaguely know and a bunch of kids I don't know at all. Am I bitter? Getting there pretty darn fast. With Easter coming up next weekend, Melody & Bob heading to Cabo the 16th, there is no time for Em's family party until sometime in May. Um, awesome. Yeah, she may not care, but I kind of do. She doesn't quite understand that Grandma, Grandpa, Jen and others in our family won't be there. Kyle doesn't seem to grasp that it bugs the heck out of me. Of course, he spent a good chunk of the weekend sulking about having to work in Bremerton Monday & Tuesday, so I suspect there could have been an alien landing and he wouldn't have noticed. :o\

I'm not one for typically airing our dirty laundry for the world to see, but recently, I've been spending a lot of time pretending to be dealing with life okay. Honestly, not so much. There is a ton of stuff up in the air right now - if/where we're moving, if Kyle might find a new (and better) job, if he'll get his dream job and we'll move to the edge of the earth...(not literally, though the WA coast is pretty darn close).

I have a lot more to say, but I need to spend some time coloring with Em.

Stuck

I've been having a tough time lately. Granted, I ran out of thyroid meds - after not getting my levels tested last month, having no time to get to the dr by myself and having no refills, I'm out of luck with that business. I also ran out of "happy pills" and just haven't refilled them yet. I should do that, since I'm grouchy.

Aside from being chemically out of balance, I just realized this morning, while I was pouting about not going to MOPs this week (Em has been sick since Sunday), that I really don't have anything else just for me. With the Em being sick, I have completely run out of patience and the incessant whining is driving me to my wits end. :o( You'd think I could be more sympathetic, since I went through the same illness a week earlier (I lost almost 7 lbs that week!), but she throws herself into a panicked state when it's time to eat. She took 1 bite of a cheeseburger yesterday, gagged and threw up. Seriously getting fed up with it. She had no problems eating fruit snacks and cinnamon toast crunch yesterday. :o\

I've been tasked by Kyle to figure out what else I can do for myself because as I sit here, I start to cry about having nothing for myself. No hobbies, no fun activities, it's always the kids. I hate that Kyle has no time to take off of work. There are just days where I really need to be alone and decompress but that NEVER happens, unless you consider sleeping all day while I was sick that kind of time. There were days when I was still working that I would work from home just so I could be alone and refocus. I can barely spend anytime by myself, even going to the bathroom! I love the kids and staying at home with them is a gift, but I NEED a break.

I haven't worked out really since December, I am grouchy all the time, I'm always tired and I am so disappointed in myself and my attitude. I'm so full of resentment and bitterness. I am not happy, and I know that while a lot of it is my choice to wallow in self-pity because I'm unstimulated and tired. I think perhaps the fact Em chooses to ignore my requests of her more often than not is the biggest catalyst for making me so upset. There is nothing that makes you feel less appreciated than hearing "NO!" screamed at the top of a toddlers lungs ALL DAY LONG. I wish I was being overdramatic, but honestly, it's pretty much all day every day. I'm trying Love & Logic, but right now, I just want to take Noah and let her scream her head off in her room until she passes out from being exhausted. I love her with all my heart, but I don't know how much more of her attitude I can take.

Relationships

As I was mentioning on my previous post, I miss Kyle. I miss the relationship we had before we had kids, more over, I miss the relationship we had before we thought about having kids. I miss laughing all the time, not being stressed over money or our jobs (well, not to this degree anyway), or fighting about anything other than my indecision over dinner.

It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.

We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL

I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.

The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.

The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.

If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.

However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.

So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.

On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.

*crickets*

Okay, so I managed to disappear from the blog for a while. I've been in a bit of a funk (courtesy of not taking meds over the weekend and other stuff) and just didn't feel like I had much to say. I've gotten two solid workouts in this week, but I've been dealing with equilibrium garbage that I think is a lovely result of my flu-ish thing from a while back.

I really need to make a plan for this weekend. This is always where I get derailed and I really need to stop it. If I can't get a good plan of action in now, how in the world will I do it while I'm also curbing the calorie-fest I'm having now. Don't worry, not too many calories all the time, but not really tracking/logging/journaling food right now.

I did have a great thing happen today. I went into the closet and pulled out a cute shirt I got a couple years ago that fit, except for in the arms. Well, I put it on today, and while a tiny bit snug, it fit fine and I wore it to MOPs. It shows that my body is shrinking, even from before being pregnant with Noah. YAY!!! I am even more confident now that I am doing this the correct way for me.

I realize that life happens and situations will throw off my schedule and I need to be able to work around it more than I have in the past. You'd think with two small children I would know that by now, but it's amazing how much I seemed to expect them to conform to what I wanted. Now that Noah & Em tend to take their afternoon naps at the same time, I can give myself a solid hour. Of course, yesterday, I let Em play on the laptop while I worked out. I think it's good to let her watch me sweat and grunt and really push myself - and NOT complain about it. It did give me a boost at the end when she told me I did a great job and was willing to sit and play on the computer (Thanks to my friend Jacob from HS for recommending babysmash.com) so I could shower. I think the rest of that train of thought belongs on the other blog.
LOL

Anyhow, I wrote to Anne, my MOPs mentor mom, and asked her to pray for me. These are the areas I mentioned:

• Peace & patience with Em
• Feelings of guilt surrounding my temper
• A cool head when dealing with the tantrums and Em pushing my buttons
• Dealing with issues from my past manifesting in my emotions

I've really been struggling the last month or so, with outburts of anger at Em. I feel horribly ashamed. This is the type of behavior that my father gave me that I swore I'd never repeat, yet here I am. The catch is that I also like to sit and stew on things as well - a trait from my mom. The main issue is that I seem to forget that Em is only 2.5 and that there are so many things she is still just learning. I guess since I spend so much time with her, I forget the obvious things. I want to stop the cycle of mean-ness and anger. I want to be loving and constructive with discipline. I haven't been able to reign it in lately and follow along the Love & Logic principles I fell in love with a while back. I suppose I really should look into taking the classes when Liann next offers them. I think they would be invaluable to me. I'm not sure if I can talk Kyle into going with me, but the $75 or $100 for the 4 week course would be so helpful. It's really important for me to be on the same page as him and work as a team, but so often, I feel like I'm floundering at home when he's at work. I'm tired a lot and it's so difficult keeping up with two mobile kids who aren't fully in control of their faculties (i.e potty trained, old enough to dress themselves unsupervised, able to operate the remote, prepare their own food). ;o)

So I'll have to see what he thinks. I definitely think I should go to these, even if I have to pay $40 for the kids to be watched for all 4 classes and go by myself on Friday afternoons. Plus, if I go Friday afternoons, I don't have to "graduate" from the classes on my 30th birthday. LOL

It's getting super late and I need to get some sleep. The time change has been royally messing with my sleep habits. Why it means I stay up even later is beyond me. I just know that my former 8:30 sleep in time being pushed back to 7-7:15 has been rough, since I haven't been in bed and asleep before 11:30 in over a week.

TGIF!!! I'm going to work on a game plan for the weekends and get it blogged so I can try harder to stick to it. Plus, then I have it where I can see it, tweak it and hopefully follow it and make it an additional part of my routine. Ideally, once spring arrives, I can modify it to mean family time outdoors being active. Hopefully that will work with a 1 yr old & a 3 yr old. ;o) I'm picturing family hikes. Perhaps my birthday present for #30 should be the parking pass for all the parks so if I want, I can take the kids on some hikes during the week. I'll have to get strong enough to wear the big backpack with Noah in it, plus carry stuff. Maybe I'll stick to things I can use the jogging stroller on. LOL