Week 15 - Managing

I'm tired, frustrated and in high need of a kick-butt workout. I was down 0.8 lbs this week, despite hardly working out - had a 5 day break because of a cold. I ate quite a bit and felt generally quite blah. I've managed to step up the workouts by at least having them the last few days, but I am not in the game mentally.

Problem 1 - AF/TOM/the Crimson tide...whatever you call it, it's visiting after a 4.25 month absence (thank you Seasonale!). I'm feeling sluggish, tired, grumpy and unmotivated. Thankfully, I decided to wash my bedding or I'd most likely be in bed instead of in my workout clothes blogging. I need to get to my workout in a few minutes, but thought I'd post before I forgot about this week's post.

Problem 2 - The humid, gray weather. We've had some sun, but nothing that lasts very long and my SAD seems to be continuing on into the summer. UGH! It was beautiful yesterday afternoon when I went for a short trail run, and it was clear last night when I was stargazing through the sky light above our bed at 3:30 (Thanks Noah).

Problem 3 - The lingering cold. I'm still a little stuffy & runny nosed, but nothing compared to last week or the week before.

So hopefully as the week goes on, I'll feel a bit better and feel more motivated. I'm in a mental slump and just don't feel like food journaling and working out. I still do it, but it doesn't hold as much of the positive nature that it did before camp started. Granted, the slow-down in my weight loss is probably part of that - something that reigning in the stress eating and fattening, higher calorie stuff I've been eating more of would help out with. I'm just grateful I'm under 50 lbs left to goal weight. I've lost 22.4 of the 70.4 lbs I needed to lose. So 48 lbs left. I only have to do what I've done about 2 more times. That makes it seem more doable.

Well, enough talk, I better get to my workout!

Heartbroken

Today is a hellish day. Em's been fighting and throwing tantrums all morning. I feel like throwing in the towel and hiding in bed for the rest of the day. I'm close to tears and it's all I can do to keep Noah from realizing just how sad I am. I feel like a terrible mother and that I'm doing something severely wrong that my daughter is so mean to me and so disobedient. I shouldn't desperately want to be away from them so much, but I feel like her sole purpose right now is to hit me where it hurts.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I pray, but I feel like it's not helping enough. I feel like I just am the worst person in the world lately. I know I shouldn't just sit and wallow around in self-pity, but when everyday feels like a constant onslaught from toddler-tudes, I can't help but take it personally. Just pray for me and hopefully this phase won't last too much longer.

At least I'm not stress eating. I don't feel like eating at all. Lost my appetite and just feel like shutting down and being alone. I know it will get better, but I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. :o(

Week 6 - Double Digits!

Well, that's slightly misleading. I didn't lose double digits this week, but as of today, my total weight loss is in double digits. 11.0 lbs to be exact. :) My unofficial loss is closer to 15 lbs, but since I'm just talking WW loss, I'm down 11.0 lbs. I lost 2.2 lbs this week and another 3" in the last 2 weeks. I'm thrilled because the inches came off my thighs, hips & arms. Those are the harder areas for me to get losses on.

Kyle was telling me this morning that I'm looking great. I'm trying to so hard to focus on accepting compliments as they come and not focusing on all the work I have yet to do. I had a discussion on my mom's board about body image and projecting onto our children and it's all something we struggle with - finding a balance between what we feel about ourselves and what we let our kids hear about it. I did realize this morning as I stripped down to weigh in that I'm less grossed out by my reflection in the mirror. I'm getting more comfortable with the ripples and stretch marks and accepting that having kids changes things a lot. Granted, I am overjoyed that my saggy belly is slowly getting smaller, but I'm trying to focus on the fact I'm getting stronger and my endurance is increasing.

I tried putting 5 miles on the treadmill on Sunday and it went so-so. I finished, but the time was a lot slower than I had hoped and I could only run 7 mins. I finished in 87:37 while listening to an audio book. I honestly think that had a large part to do with why my time was so slow. I couldn't get into a good grove because I was listening to the story. Granted, the whole point for doing 5 miles was just to do it and not focus on speed, but I was averaging 3.4 mph instead of 4.2 mph that I have been hitting. I have to keep reminding myself that I've only been at this for 6 weeks. Plus, as the pounds come off, it will get easier to run longer and faster.

Bring it on!

So yesterday was my follow up with my ARNP. She was happy about my 10 lbs lost and that I am doing much better. It looked like we were going to leave meds as they were, but I made a comment about increasing the anti-depressant, to which she replied, "sure, that might help." Pretty standard appointment, but still love her! She's so easy to get along with and very positive.

I'm on day 2 of the increased dosage. So far, ouch! So tired and moody. Forgot about those side effects from the first week and the fact that adding more meds means more adjustments. Yesterday was rough. Today, I knew to expect it, so I am not quite as nearly impacted. Emotionally, I'm a little more steady, but basically, back to where I was 2 days ago. LOL

I didn't get a workout in yesterday, I was cleaning and doing laundry instead. I could completely tell, because I was cranky. I hit the treadmill today for 30 minutes. I walked the first 6 mins, then ran for 5, then switched to intervals of 1-2 mins of each for the remaining 19 mins. I was happy that I ran for half of the time and my mile time was 14:10, which is really good for me! The other good thing is that I can run without the song being completely fast & rocking. Yay!

Also, a mom at Em's school mentioned today that she can tell I'm losing weight and looked good. :D Nothing like a good compliment to make a girl feel good. Wondering what my friends will have to say this weekend. I'm excited about the progress I'm making and since I did say I'd do a marathon with two of them in the next 5 yrs... I guess at some point I'll have to start running for more than 4 miles. LOL I think that since we're on summer vacation, I might give a longer distance a try next week, even if Noah's up and the kids are watching tv. I think 5 miles is doable and I won't pressure myself to run a ton, just at least 20 mins. Heck, if I can run for 30 mins I will be so pumped! :)

I'm just so excited that I'm slowly becoming a runner. It felt good and I wish that I would have kept running when I stopped at 5 mins. I think I could have done at least another 2-3 mins, but I psyched myself out. I definitely noticed that the farther along I got, the harder it was to run for 2 mins, I think the last intervals were 1 min each. So I think when I do my 5 miles, I'll just run as long as I can before stopping just to see how long I can go. Granted, I'm only running at 5mph, but I have stumpy legs and I'm still 54 lbs over my max healthy BMI. I'm so excited to imagine what it will be like to be back down in the 140's and running, then the 130's, 120's & maybe even the 110's. My ARNP thinks that 120 is a good goal weight - she seemed a little shocked when I said 115-120. I told her that I was shooting for 115, but that I'm happy at 120 if that is where my body decides it's done. My healthy BMI range is 99-124, so I do have some wiggle room. The trick will be to not gain a ton if we decide to have another baby. Because I can tell you now, if I gain 30, most of it will come off easily and then it will only be 10-15 lbs to work at. Much nicer than 70 lbs!

Sick

I am very unwell. Not so much physically as emotionally. This is a very heavy blog post, but I need to get this off of my chest. I apologize in advance for so many caps, exclamation points, sarcasm and rude references and such...I'm not using my normal "filter" for polite company.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life, treating it medically on and off since 2003 and with therapy from 03-05ish, then early 2007. I stopped after having Emily and just didn't go back. I struggled with severe anxiety midway through my pregnancy with Em and got on Zoloft and began therapy to cope with life. With Em coming early, I cancelled my appt being in the hospital and then never got around to scheduling anything. I did keep up with meds religiously...until the last few months. I finally saw a local dr to get a new prescription, filled it, then after the first month's supply was up, forgot about it. I was sick, then Em & Kyle were sick and life just kept moving while I was slowly grinding to a halt.

I didn't realize just how bad it was getting - I never do really - until I hit a brick wall today, this past weekend...it's all a little fuzzy. It's just from being exhausted emotionally for months, coupling with all of a sudden, emotions that were hidden for years bubbling to the surface and essentially shutting down all sane, rational thinking. Well, at least that is the story I'm sticking to unless I hear otherwise.

I'm going to see the dr tomorrow at which point, we'll talk about best meds for my situation and if it proves something stronger is necessary, I will no longer be nursing Noah effective immediately. I'm at the point where I'm doing no one any good in my mental state. I need more stability than I'm capable of providing right now, so if I can get my chemistry back in order and find someone that can help me keep myself off a ledge, we'll be in better shape. It's just a sad state of affairs when I immediately shut down just hearing Em start throwing a tantrum - which is so common place anymore, it's amazing that we manage to get everyone fed, etc. Plus, Em is really starting to bristle against me because I've been having a rough time and she's getting the brunt of it I think. :o( Nothing makes me feel like a crappier mother than this.

Hence why I'm heading down a really bad spiral at about Mach 3. :o( There isn't much that could make it worse short of being admitted to a padded room or having the kids taken away. At least Noah still gives me smiles.

I just hate that I'm becoming my father, who I think was by far one of the worst examples of parenting that exists. That is by and large the majority of the reasons why I struggle with such severe depression and anxiety. Nothing like being expected to be perfect, treated as if I was always doing something "suspect" despite no evidence to support it, and then basically written off - granted, I did cut him off to disallow him to contact me, but it was for the best at the time. But what else could I expect when he promptly divorces my mom after over 33 years of marriage and a long affair?

How could I even begin to accept his new family when he wouldn't even HONESTLY admit to it? Besides, I've heard enough about his new wife from extended family to know, I am not missing much. I would be expected to treat this woman, barely older than Kyle, like a mother (HELL NO!) and treat her with respect she has not earned. She belittled me for not responding to him last year, when I was trying hard to respond fairly and without years of bitterness and anger loading my words. Who in the hell does she think she is?!? Of course, she will believe whatever he has told her - he's very persuasive to those who don't know (or care that) he lies a LOT and takes responsibility for anything about as often as a 3 year old chooses to eat brussel sprouts over french fries.

So granted, there are no innocent or perfect parties in the relationship, but honesty was a huge sticking point for me and the fact that he felt he didn't need to be honest, much less take any responsibility for leaving my mom, "Oh, her question is what made me leave." Leave I could *almost* believe, immediately moving in with another woman...yeah, no, it would be the little head in his pants that is responsible there. Besides, who really can believe all the lies that he said. Because I'm sure that he and his bad attitude and lack of ingenuity couldn't have had anything to do with the numerous pass overs for promotions and it was all to do with the fact one of the people going against him was gay or was a woman. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

So what it boils down to is, I feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, and unloved from my childhood regardless of whether it is true now or not. My self esteem is in the toilet and I'm having a hard time moving on. I've spent at least the last 10 years being angry about it because it meant I wasn't admitting I was completely broken hearted to my core. I am torn in half with one side feeling the worst emotions and the other half knowing that thought pattern isn't rational, but not being able to reconcile the two.

So right now I need prayers, support, encouragement. I'm afraid to really get into all of my emotional baggage, but I know that if I don't, I'm only putting off the inevitable honestly, delaying healing. But it is more than just myself I'm hurting, and I realize it. I have a lot of guilty feelings to atone for and a lot of apologies to make to Kyle, Emily and Noah (and more). This is one of the most painful times of my life and I've even postponed having any more kids indefinitely until things get worked through.

1 week down

So last week I really worked hard. I exercised Mon-Thurs. Friday, I took a day off because we were getting up early and trekking down to the in laws who would watch the kids while Kyle and I were off at our retreat for the weekend. I fully intended to exercise Saturday & Sunday, intended to eat carefully and intended to be back on my A game as of Monday. HAH! I was up until lord knows how early Saturday morning, so I was not having any nonsense of getting up early. I did get to sleep earlier on Saturday night, but still was in no mood to do anything on Sunday morning. No clue how much I ate, I just know it was a lot. :o(

It was great to have some time away from the kids, sadly, I was back to bickering with Kyle by the time we landed back in Tacoma from the ferry. I've been really struggling with a lot of stuff that happened when I was younger - lots of unresolved feelings of betrayal, abandonment and many other unpleasant stuff. We had a good talk for most of the way back to T-town, but I'm just not in the greatest emotional place at the moment. I'm hypersensitive and very argumentative lately. Doesn't help that Em is a carbon copy of those traits and so the two of us butt heads like it was the newest fad. :o(

Perhaps a good chunk of it was that I was looking forward to a low key birthday party for Em at home the weekend after Easter, but instead, Kyle agreed to going to Camp Bethel to help at the spring youth retreat without even checking dates. So Em's 3rd birthday party will be with a few of our friends, but mostly people I vaguely know and a bunch of kids I don't know at all. Am I bitter? Getting there pretty darn fast. With Easter coming up next weekend, Melody & Bob heading to Cabo the 16th, there is no time for Em's family party until sometime in May. Um, awesome. Yeah, she may not care, but I kind of do. She doesn't quite understand that Grandma, Grandpa, Jen and others in our family won't be there. Kyle doesn't seem to grasp that it bugs the heck out of me. Of course, he spent a good chunk of the weekend sulking about having to work in Bremerton Monday & Tuesday, so I suspect there could have been an alien landing and he wouldn't have noticed. :o\

I'm not one for typically airing our dirty laundry for the world to see, but recently, I've been spending a lot of time pretending to be dealing with life okay. Honestly, not so much. There is a ton of stuff up in the air right now - if/where we're moving, if Kyle might find a new (and better) job, if he'll get his dream job and we'll move to the edge of the earth...(not literally, though the WA coast is pretty darn close).

I have a lot more to say, but I need to spend some time coloring with Em.

Relationships

As I was mentioning on my previous post, I miss Kyle. I miss the relationship we had before we had kids, more over, I miss the relationship we had before we thought about having kids. I miss laughing all the time, not being stressed over money or our jobs (well, not to this degree anyway), or fighting about anything other than my indecision over dinner.

It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.

We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL

I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.

The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.

The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.

If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.

However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.

So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.

On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.

Waffles and fessing up

This post initially was just titled Waffles and was going to be a light hearted post about the fact some weeks I'm awesome with working out, others, not so much. Instead, here goes nothing...

I am struggling. A LOT. Financially we're way over extended, emotionally, I'm tapped dry, physically, well, other than being hungry, but not wanting to eat (mostly for fear of binging & having not much to eat), I'm doing okay. Honestly though, I am scared, broken hearted and depressed.

I'm scared because we can't afford to live in our house, but we have 6 months left on our lease and can't afford to pay 1st/last/deposit to move anyway. I'm scared because we have bills to pay, but no money to do so because we've spent every last dime we've saved/put away for retirement to keep the roof over our heads. I'm scared because I don't like what the stress has done to me and my relationship with my kids. I love them to pieces, but I've been Madam grumpy pants all week. I feel guilty that I don't get a job to help Kyle financially, but then feel guilty because I like being home with the kids and working full time doesn't help us when day care for both kids full time is probably as much, if not more than I'd be earning, making it completely worthless. I also am scared to put myself out there. I hated part time jobs growing up, but really should consider it. The catch is that Kyle is often not home until 6pm, leaving little time in the evenings to work, and I don't want to give up my weekends with him & the kids together to work and bring hardly any money in.

I'm broken hearted because Noah turns 1 tomorrow and we have no gifts to give him. I can try to rush through and finish his baby blanket that I started before he was born, but still. I am broken hearted because there won't be any gifts under the tree for the kids for Christmas. At least not ones we paid for. I am broken hearted that I've left a rift grow in my relationship with Kyle. Thankfully, it isn't too bad, but we're both hurting a lot and I've put a lot of distance between us because I was too proud to admit to him how scared I am of everything.

I'm depressed. Yes, clinically, post partum, and seasonally. I've suffered from depression for at least a decade, I've admitted it in the past, but it seems to get worse. I can't cope with the financial strain we're under, the kids' needs often leave me feeling overwhelmed with the simplest tasks. I lose my temper at least a few times a day, I often wonder if I was really cut out to be a mom. I question myself constantly and I wonder if the kids can feel secure with me. At the end of the day, I know they do, they know I love them, and they love me back. I can't ask for anything more than the unconditional love we share. I just feel so inadequate and so worthless so much of the time. Man I miss my therapist Dr Lara. We were starting to make progress while I was pregnant with Em, but then I never went back. She helped me feel normal for the first time in a while, but I've back-slid quite a bit.

Here is a letter I wrote to Ellen DeGeneres today that sums up what I've been bottling up for the last year - and probably why I've been so miserable. It's ironic that I was able to be completely honest and transparent with someone that is a total stranger, other than her show coming into my living room and offering a sense of escape for a short time each day. While I've admitted parts to various friends from online groups, I've never come out and said all of it. Now I'm starving and need to eat a snack.

Dear Ellen,

I’m a huge fan and try to watch the show every day. I am always moved seeing your kindness and generosity. This past year was difficult for my family and your show was one of the things that helped me put on a brave face for my two kids.

Last Christmas, my husband was in the hospital and I was snowed in at home with the kids. We didn’t celebrate and it was one of the lowest points in my life. I vowed this Christmas would be better, but my husband was laid off at the end of January and the job he found pays only half of what he had made. We’ve used all our saving to pay rent and are behind on all of our bills. We can no longer afford to stay in our home, but can’t afford the deposits to move somewhere more affordable and closer to my husband’s job, 50 miles away. We’ve had to empty our kids’ piggy banks just so he could buy gas to get to and from work.

Our parents have been generous helping to keep us afloat, but it is embarrassing and unfair to them to continually ask for help each month. I’m grateful that both of our kids are young enough that the true meaning of Christmas is enough, but I am broken hearted that we can’t afford to get any gifts for them. I try to remember that each day I give my love, time and prayers to my family and it’s the best gift I can give.

Thank you for helping me get through my day. It’s the one hour where I can ignore the stress we’re facing and focus on the joy you bring to others.

Gratefully,

Michele

Getting back into a groove

I have done workouts 3 days in a row. Yay! I've officially blown last week out of the water. :o) So now I just have two more days to go until the dreaded weekend. I still haven't come up with a plan, and it's killing me.

Last weekend: Saturday: Either Em was watching tv or Kyle was playing Halo.

Sunday: Football or Em's shows.

When am I gonna grow a pair and request some tv time on the weekend?!?!

I told Em today that I need the time to exercise because if I don't, I am sad and don't feel good about myself. Then I asked her if she wanted me to be happy mommy, or grumpy mommy. She responded happy mommy, then laid down for her nap. How sweet!

So now it's figuring out why I don't feel worthy of asking for what I need to be successful. I guess it's partly because what I wanted or needed always seemed to be contingent on if someone else deemed them important enough. My mom was my biggest advocate making sure that I got to take dance & piano lessons and go to Europe on two high school trips and to the east coast in jr high on a school trip as well. Someone else always fought with her on that. She would use her disability money from Japan on me to make sure I got to experience things and actually enjoy my youth a bit.

I think I'll talk to Kyle about it, since I'm sure he has no idea how I feel about it and it honestly is me just not saying anything. I'm sure if I ask, he'll be more than happy to take a break for however long I need. He's awesome and so supportive, I just need to tell him that I need something. :o)

Well, I have MOPs tomorrow, our speaker is talking about that very thing and not being everything to everyone and putting ourselves last during the holidays. Go figure! Time to get my evite sent out and plan for Noah's birthday party. It's coming up quick and I feel so unprepared!

Night!!!