Week 15 - Managing

I'm tired, frustrated and in high need of a kick-butt workout. I was down 0.8 lbs this week, despite hardly working out - had a 5 day break because of a cold. I ate quite a bit and felt generally quite blah. I've managed to step up the workouts by at least having them the last few days, but I am not in the game mentally.

Problem 1 - AF/TOM/the Crimson tide...whatever you call it, it's visiting after a 4.25 month absence (thank you Seasonale!). I'm feeling sluggish, tired, grumpy and unmotivated. Thankfully, I decided to wash my bedding or I'd most likely be in bed instead of in my workout clothes blogging. I need to get to my workout in a few minutes, but thought I'd post before I forgot about this week's post.

Problem 2 - The humid, gray weather. We've had some sun, but nothing that lasts very long and my SAD seems to be continuing on into the summer. UGH! It was beautiful yesterday afternoon when I went for a short trail run, and it was clear last night when I was stargazing through the sky light above our bed at 3:30 (Thanks Noah).

Problem 3 - The lingering cold. I'm still a little stuffy & runny nosed, but nothing compared to last week or the week before.

So hopefully as the week goes on, I'll feel a bit better and feel more motivated. I'm in a mental slump and just don't feel like food journaling and working out. I still do it, but it doesn't hold as much of the positive nature that it did before camp started. Granted, the slow-down in my weight loss is probably part of that - something that reigning in the stress eating and fattening, higher calorie stuff I've been eating more of would help out with. I'm just grateful I'm under 50 lbs left to goal weight. I've lost 22.4 of the 70.4 lbs I needed to lose. So 48 lbs left. I only have to do what I've done about 2 more times. That makes it seem more doable.

Well, enough talk, I better get to my workout!

Week 11 - Getting comfy

I lost another pound this week, bringing me to 17.8 lbs on WW. I seem to be hitting my stride and haven't struggled too much with what to eat or how much exercise to get. I know that I need to rest and I do, I know I need to exercise and I do and I know that I should make sure that I'm eating enough fruits and veggies and drinking enough water. I know that drinking lots of alcohol or eating lots of salt will kill my weigh ins and I know that I feel better when well hydrated and when I'm not depriving myself.

I've been wearing my size 10 jeans for 10 days now and although I can only wear 1 pair of them, they're definitely getting more comfortable. I feel my thighs getting tighter and the legs of the jeans not being skin tight anymore. :) I am still working through my hip and back issues - hips are tight, I have ribs in my mid-back that like to pop out of place and subsequently, things between those two places tend to get locked up frequently. I haven't gotten back to running, but might give it a try once this group leaves and I can get my treadmill back out. We'll see how I'm feeling by the end of the week though. My mid-back is already starting to get sore and I just had my adjustment yesterday and won't have another one until next Monday. It would be helpful if I didn't have kids pulling on my shoulders and upper torso or constantly whining, causing me to tense up.

I'd like to exchange my back please

So today was my 2nd chiropractic adjustment and my lower back has already tightened back up. I'm ticked off! Granted, a big part of the problem is my kids have stressed me out to the point all the muscles in my shoulders are tight too. I'm having a hard time dealing with stress this week and I'm very tired. I tried to take a nap to stave off a headache, but the kids climbed over, then knocked over the gate to the stairs and kept coming upstairs and whispering (in that kid not quiet whisper) plus playing with what seemed every loud toy we own.

As I sit here and type this, I keep yawning, causing tears to stream down my face. This is an affliction I've suffered as long as I can remember and it's really annoying when people ask me what's wrong only to reply, "I'm tired and I yawned". The looks I get are priceless.

I just realized that tomorrow is the last day I can workout in the retreat center next door. There is a large group here starting Sunday afternoon and they'll be here until Saturday, when the site staff get to camp. I guess I can ask Kyle if he can move the treadmill to the house or clear some stuff from the living room and move it in here. The prospect of only having my little living room to work out in for the next 2 weeks makes me want to cry. Of course, knowing I'll be woken up by loud foreign language praise singing at 6 am all next week also makes me want to cry. I am NOT a morning person and being woken up is a sure way to turn me into a dragon lady. ;) I guess I'll just have to remember my headphones upstairs and cancel out the noise with my own music.

I think tonight calls for a hot bath, a date with the ice pack and some benedryl. My sinuses hurt and I need to get some sleep tonight.

Week 10 - Still trucking

I weighed in a day later this week because we were out of town on Tuesday morning. I was down 0.6 lbs this morning. I'm grateful I lost because I ate a lot of salty food over the weekend and didn't get a ton of hard working out in. I painted stamps & stencils in Em's room and I painted 2 walls in Noah's room white between Saturday & Sunday. On Monday, we celebrated the 4th with our friends and stayed up late!

Yesterday, I ate a lot better and drank a ton of water and managed to get rid of all that salt. I had my first chiropractic adjustment today. I had 2 ribs out of alignment in my mid-back and both of my hips were locked and my pelvis was off on my right side. Nothing too surprising to me. I'm starting to get sore, but I also did Jillian Michaels' No More Trouble Zones this afternoon, so that might be partly to blame. ;) I hit the treadmill and failed miserably, but at least I tried! I walked 5 mins, ran 1, walked 2 and was done. The running caused my right external hip rotator to lock up a bit. I'll be icing after dinner and hopefully won't be in too much pain tomorrow. It feels like my ribs are slipping back out, but I know that it isn't a quick fix and it will take time to retrain my body to work properly.

Week 9 - By the skin

...of my teeth, I eked out a 1 lb loss. I ate with reckless abandon (okay, restrained abandon haha) this weekend, using 56 pts on Saturday and nearly as many on Sunday. Yeowza! I got on the scale yesterday morning and saw 172.8. Not good! So I drank 12 cups of water and did a kicking cardio workout last night around 8:30 pm after the kids were in bed. I also ate well, focusing on cutting back on salt. It worked! 169.2 this morning, all that salt flushed out. Lesson learned, salt is not my friend, at least not without a lot of water at the same time. :)

So I think I'm about 5-10 lbs from where I was when we moved to camp just about 1 yr ago. It's good to know that I've almost undone all the damage of last year in just about 2.5 months. I'm feeling a lot stronger and more fit than a year ago, so that is also a bonus. Plus, I'm sure that while my weight is similar, my body composition is not. Really looking forward to seeing how my body transforms as I get closer to goal and see how it compares to 2006 before I got pregnant. I know it won't be the same, but I'm hopeful that I'll be stronger and more muscular. I have a long way to go, and I'm under no illusions that this is going to be either quick or easy, but definitely enjoying the journey this time around.

Clothes

I am working on packing up our house, slowly. Today, I packed up all of my skinny clothes. There were tons of size 6 & 8 pants, skirts, size small tops and I miss them! I went on a shopping spree about 1 month before I got pregnant with Em and subsequently grew out of them within a few weeks after finding out. I have such cute skirts, so many pairs of Lucky Brand jeans, my mint green XS North Face vest. I cannot wait to hit next spring/summer and be at goal. That may mean some of those clothes might even be too big! Either way, I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to shop out of my own clothes as I get thinner.

This time I am 100% determined to make this work. I may need to increase my anti-depressant dosage at my next appt to help that. I've noticed my motivation is waning, along with my coping skills. I do fine as long as the sun is out, but on days like today, where it's dark & gray, I just want to go back to bed or have it be quiet. I'm feeling so much better than 6 weeks ago, but I know that this still isn't where I need to be. I'm just grateful that I'm aware enough of my emotions to know that I need to be my own advocate and to speak up if something is wrong.

I know that once we have moved into the new house and I have more space, things will help. I'm so claustrophobic in our apartment with the two kids and dog constantly underfoot, that having over double the space will be a much needed relief. I'm really looking forward to having a fully enclosed room for Kyle & I again and for having 2 bathrooms and for the kids to have their own rooms. I'm excited to have my treadmill in my house to use whenever I want, regardless of groups being at camp. I'm most excited about a house that is not on the main camp property. No guests waking the kids up from naps/sleep, no dog barking all day while groups are here, privacy for our family.

I better go find a snack, then get back to packing. While I have time, I shouldn't waste it and then rush at the end. It would be great to avoid procrastinating for once. ;)

Day 1...again

Well, today is the day. Our internet is working, we had our weekend away, time to buckle down and get healthy. It was interesting reading back to the beginning of this blog just how motivated I was. I didn't realize I was so dedicated to losing weight and getting fit and healthy. It's kind of sad how much I lost track of in the last year. I understand how it happened - no meds to keep my head on straight and cope with stress, no internet to follow either Weight Watchers or sparkpeople.com - but it's still sad. Hopefully I can get my head back in the game and work hard. I have cute clothes in my closet that I would love to be wearing by next summer (as in a year from June, not this summer).

So today, my weight is 185.4. Not good, but it is still 3 lbs less than it was when I started on my meds 2.5 weeks ago. I haven't done anything yet - no exercise, no intentional healthy eating - so I can't complain. It's just that being on meds again has curbed my compulsive eating behaviors, so I am no longer getting a ton of extraneous calories that don't belong in my diet. My intentional change today was switching back to Americanos instead of nonfat lattes. Lactose & I aren't the best of friends these days. The next change needs to be getting to bed earlier, waking up earlier and getting in my workouts in the early morning so that I have the rest of the day to add in extra activity, or at least do something with the kids.

As I was looking at my weight chart on WW.com, I realized that I was only 131.2 in 8/06, right before I got pregnant with Emily. So I have a long way to go to get into my super cute size 6 jeans, skirts, etc., but I know that with some discipline, I can do it. Only 54 lbs to go, right? LOL My initial goal is to lose 20 lbs by the end of the summer, so roughly a lb a week through the end of August. Hopefully I can surpass that goal, but I'm trying to be realistic with a move & eating camp food this summer. So once I get to that 2o lbs mark, I'll probably reevaluate and plan the next goals.

I'm baaacccckkkk!

Well, it has been quite an interesting year. We moved out to Camp Bethel at the end of May of last year and it's been a challenging adjustment for me.

I gained 30 pounds in the first 6 months and managed to maintain that from Christmas until now. We didn't have insurance until this last month, so I had to endure my seasonal/clinical depression medication free all fall/winter. I'm now back on medication and feeling the life coming back into me. I still have a ways to go (and a LOT of weight to lose), but definitely feel better than I did a few weeks ago. Spring showing up also helps.

I just need to get back to walking/jogging on my treadmill and doing Weight Watchers. Having internet back after not having it for a year will definitely help. It doesn't help they changed the points calculations so the stuff I had memorized means nada now.

So I'm currently down 4 lbs from a couple of weeks ago and hopefully getting exercise and eating well will get the weight off quickly.

Sick

I am very unwell. Not so much physically as emotionally. This is a very heavy blog post, but I need to get this off of my chest. I apologize in advance for so many caps, exclamation points, sarcasm and rude references and such...I'm not using my normal "filter" for polite company.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life, treating it medically on and off since 2003 and with therapy from 03-05ish, then early 2007. I stopped after having Emily and just didn't go back. I struggled with severe anxiety midway through my pregnancy with Em and got on Zoloft and began therapy to cope with life. With Em coming early, I cancelled my appt being in the hospital and then never got around to scheduling anything. I did keep up with meds religiously...until the last few months. I finally saw a local dr to get a new prescription, filled it, then after the first month's supply was up, forgot about it. I was sick, then Em & Kyle were sick and life just kept moving while I was slowly grinding to a halt.

I didn't realize just how bad it was getting - I never do really - until I hit a brick wall today, this past weekend...it's all a little fuzzy. It's just from being exhausted emotionally for months, coupling with all of a sudden, emotions that were hidden for years bubbling to the surface and essentially shutting down all sane, rational thinking. Well, at least that is the story I'm sticking to unless I hear otherwise.

I'm going to see the dr tomorrow at which point, we'll talk about best meds for my situation and if it proves something stronger is necessary, I will no longer be nursing Noah effective immediately. I'm at the point where I'm doing no one any good in my mental state. I need more stability than I'm capable of providing right now, so if I can get my chemistry back in order and find someone that can help me keep myself off a ledge, we'll be in better shape. It's just a sad state of affairs when I immediately shut down just hearing Em start throwing a tantrum - which is so common place anymore, it's amazing that we manage to get everyone fed, etc. Plus, Em is really starting to bristle against me because I've been having a rough time and she's getting the brunt of it I think. :o( Nothing makes me feel like a crappier mother than this.

Hence why I'm heading down a really bad spiral at about Mach 3. :o( There isn't much that could make it worse short of being admitted to a padded room or having the kids taken away. At least Noah still gives me smiles.

I just hate that I'm becoming my father, who I think was by far one of the worst examples of parenting that exists. That is by and large the majority of the reasons why I struggle with such severe depression and anxiety. Nothing like being expected to be perfect, treated as if I was always doing something "suspect" despite no evidence to support it, and then basically written off - granted, I did cut him off to disallow him to contact me, but it was for the best at the time. But what else could I expect when he promptly divorces my mom after over 33 years of marriage and a long affair?

How could I even begin to accept his new family when he wouldn't even HONESTLY admit to it? Besides, I've heard enough about his new wife from extended family to know, I am not missing much. I would be expected to treat this woman, barely older than Kyle, like a mother (HELL NO!) and treat her with respect she has not earned. She belittled me for not responding to him last year, when I was trying hard to respond fairly and without years of bitterness and anger loading my words. Who in the hell does she think she is?!? Of course, she will believe whatever he has told her - he's very persuasive to those who don't know (or care that) he lies a LOT and takes responsibility for anything about as often as a 3 year old chooses to eat brussel sprouts over french fries.

So granted, there are no innocent or perfect parties in the relationship, but honesty was a huge sticking point for me and the fact that he felt he didn't need to be honest, much less take any responsibility for leaving my mom, "Oh, her question is what made me leave." Leave I could *almost* believe, immediately moving in with another woman...yeah, no, it would be the little head in his pants that is responsible there. Besides, who really can believe all the lies that he said. Because I'm sure that he and his bad attitude and lack of ingenuity couldn't have had anything to do with the numerous pass overs for promotions and it was all to do with the fact one of the people going against him was gay or was a woman. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

So what it boils down to is, I feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, and unloved from my childhood regardless of whether it is true now or not. My self esteem is in the toilet and I'm having a hard time moving on. I've spent at least the last 10 years being angry about it because it meant I wasn't admitting I was completely broken hearted to my core. I am torn in half with one side feeling the worst emotions and the other half knowing that thought pattern isn't rational, but not being able to reconcile the two.

So right now I need prayers, support, encouragement. I'm afraid to really get into all of my emotional baggage, but I know that if I don't, I'm only putting off the inevitable honestly, delaying healing. But it is more than just myself I'm hurting, and I realize it. I have a lot of guilty feelings to atone for and a lot of apologies to make to Kyle, Emily and Noah (and more). This is one of the most painful times of my life and I've even postponed having any more kids indefinitely until things get worked through.

1 week down

So last week I really worked hard. I exercised Mon-Thurs. Friday, I took a day off because we were getting up early and trekking down to the in laws who would watch the kids while Kyle and I were off at our retreat for the weekend. I fully intended to exercise Saturday & Sunday, intended to eat carefully and intended to be back on my A game as of Monday. HAH! I was up until lord knows how early Saturday morning, so I was not having any nonsense of getting up early. I did get to sleep earlier on Saturday night, but still was in no mood to do anything on Sunday morning. No clue how much I ate, I just know it was a lot. :o(

It was great to have some time away from the kids, sadly, I was back to bickering with Kyle by the time we landed back in Tacoma from the ferry. I've been really struggling with a lot of stuff that happened when I was younger - lots of unresolved feelings of betrayal, abandonment and many other unpleasant stuff. We had a good talk for most of the way back to T-town, but I'm just not in the greatest emotional place at the moment. I'm hypersensitive and very argumentative lately. Doesn't help that Em is a carbon copy of those traits and so the two of us butt heads like it was the newest fad. :o(

Perhaps a good chunk of it was that I was looking forward to a low key birthday party for Em at home the weekend after Easter, but instead, Kyle agreed to going to Camp Bethel to help at the spring youth retreat without even checking dates. So Em's 3rd birthday party will be with a few of our friends, but mostly people I vaguely know and a bunch of kids I don't know at all. Am I bitter? Getting there pretty darn fast. With Easter coming up next weekend, Melody & Bob heading to Cabo the 16th, there is no time for Em's family party until sometime in May. Um, awesome. Yeah, she may not care, but I kind of do. She doesn't quite understand that Grandma, Grandpa, Jen and others in our family won't be there. Kyle doesn't seem to grasp that it bugs the heck out of me. Of course, he spent a good chunk of the weekend sulking about having to work in Bremerton Monday & Tuesday, so I suspect there could have been an alien landing and he wouldn't have noticed. :o\

I'm not one for typically airing our dirty laundry for the world to see, but recently, I've been spending a lot of time pretending to be dealing with life okay. Honestly, not so much. There is a ton of stuff up in the air right now - if/where we're moving, if Kyle might find a new (and better) job, if he'll get his dream job and we'll move to the edge of the earth...(not literally, though the WA coast is pretty darn close).

I have a lot more to say, but I need to spend some time coloring with Em.

Will I still be carded?

So looming ahead of me, 1 week from now, is my 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it when it was much farther away. But to be honest, as it gets closer and closer, I'm not too thrilled. I don't know if it's that I figured I'd have it together a bit more by now, or if it's just that I'm not overly happy with what I haven't done.

I feel like life is just a chaotic mess and that I'm merely trying to survive it instead of living it. That's a disappointment for sure. Who wants to just go through the motions instead of enjoying what every day has to offer and truly embrace everything, good or bad?

I also think I'm stuck in the "grass is greener" mentality. I have friends that are currently expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby - I want to be pregnant too (I HATE pregnancy). I have friends that are single that are out doing all sorts of stuff - no attachments (I LOVE my family). I have friends that are married with no kids or are just having/had their first - I miss the newness of everything (I'm excited to have been with Kyle just about 10 years). Perhaps it's that I spent so many years wanting to get pregnant, wanting to have a baby and being jealous of those who were in that state that for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to disengage from autopilot.

I adore my kids and my husband. I know I'm completely blessed with two healthy children (aside from a mild chicken pox incident with Noah), a loving and devoted husband, a nice home, wonderful in-laws, and I'm able to stay at home with the kids full time. Granted, we're walking a super fine line with surviving financially with me at home after last year's financial upheaval, but we're making due.

My workouts and diet have pretty much fallen to the wayside. I just am not motivated. I'm in the throes of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) - speaking of which, seeing it mentioned on 30 Rock the other week made me laugh - I think I'm still dealing with the tail end of post partum depression, my normal clinical depression, and an unforgiving sweet tooth. Sugar cookie binge anyone? To be honest though, there are stark improvements. I made about 5.5 dozen tiny sugar cookies. I think there are still 3.5 dozen left, and almost 1 dozen that are gone were eaten by the rest of the family. In the past (meaning even a month ago), there would only be about 1 dozen left now and the family would have eaten maybe 6.

I really need to set attainable goals and benchmarks and really keep myself accountable. I guess maybe I need to print off my weight loss chart and hang it on the fridge like I did before. Nothing like seeing the line going down (or up after a bad week or two) to keep you from digging into the ice cream or having an extra serving of pasta.

I have to leave it at that for now, I have a hungry customer upstairs!

Relationships

As I was mentioning on my previous post, I miss Kyle. I miss the relationship we had before we had kids, more over, I miss the relationship we had before we thought about having kids. I miss laughing all the time, not being stressed over money or our jobs (well, not to this degree anyway), or fighting about anything other than my indecision over dinner.

It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.

We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL

I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.

The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.

The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.

If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.

However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.

So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.

On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.

Waffles and fessing up

This post initially was just titled Waffles and was going to be a light hearted post about the fact some weeks I'm awesome with working out, others, not so much. Instead, here goes nothing...

I am struggling. A LOT. Financially we're way over extended, emotionally, I'm tapped dry, physically, well, other than being hungry, but not wanting to eat (mostly for fear of binging & having not much to eat), I'm doing okay. Honestly though, I am scared, broken hearted and depressed.

I'm scared because we can't afford to live in our house, but we have 6 months left on our lease and can't afford to pay 1st/last/deposit to move anyway. I'm scared because we have bills to pay, but no money to do so because we've spent every last dime we've saved/put away for retirement to keep the roof over our heads. I'm scared because I don't like what the stress has done to me and my relationship with my kids. I love them to pieces, but I've been Madam grumpy pants all week. I feel guilty that I don't get a job to help Kyle financially, but then feel guilty because I like being home with the kids and working full time doesn't help us when day care for both kids full time is probably as much, if not more than I'd be earning, making it completely worthless. I also am scared to put myself out there. I hated part time jobs growing up, but really should consider it. The catch is that Kyle is often not home until 6pm, leaving little time in the evenings to work, and I don't want to give up my weekends with him & the kids together to work and bring hardly any money in.

I'm broken hearted because Noah turns 1 tomorrow and we have no gifts to give him. I can try to rush through and finish his baby blanket that I started before he was born, but still. I am broken hearted because there won't be any gifts under the tree for the kids for Christmas. At least not ones we paid for. I am broken hearted that I've left a rift grow in my relationship with Kyle. Thankfully, it isn't too bad, but we're both hurting a lot and I've put a lot of distance between us because I was too proud to admit to him how scared I am of everything.

I'm depressed. Yes, clinically, post partum, and seasonally. I've suffered from depression for at least a decade, I've admitted it in the past, but it seems to get worse. I can't cope with the financial strain we're under, the kids' needs often leave me feeling overwhelmed with the simplest tasks. I lose my temper at least a few times a day, I often wonder if I was really cut out to be a mom. I question myself constantly and I wonder if the kids can feel secure with me. At the end of the day, I know they do, they know I love them, and they love me back. I can't ask for anything more than the unconditional love we share. I just feel so inadequate and so worthless so much of the time. Man I miss my therapist Dr Lara. We were starting to make progress while I was pregnant with Em, but then I never went back. She helped me feel normal for the first time in a while, but I've back-slid quite a bit.

Here is a letter I wrote to Ellen DeGeneres today that sums up what I've been bottling up for the last year - and probably why I've been so miserable. It's ironic that I was able to be completely honest and transparent with someone that is a total stranger, other than her show coming into my living room and offering a sense of escape for a short time each day. While I've admitted parts to various friends from online groups, I've never come out and said all of it. Now I'm starving and need to eat a snack.

Dear Ellen,

I’m a huge fan and try to watch the show every day. I am always moved seeing your kindness and generosity. This past year was difficult for my family and your show was one of the things that helped me put on a brave face for my two kids.

Last Christmas, my husband was in the hospital and I was snowed in at home with the kids. We didn’t celebrate and it was one of the lowest points in my life. I vowed this Christmas would be better, but my husband was laid off at the end of January and the job he found pays only half of what he had made. We’ve used all our saving to pay rent and are behind on all of our bills. We can no longer afford to stay in our home, but can’t afford the deposits to move somewhere more affordable and closer to my husband’s job, 50 miles away. We’ve had to empty our kids’ piggy banks just so he could buy gas to get to and from work.

Our parents have been generous helping to keep us afloat, but it is embarrassing and unfair to them to continually ask for help each month. I’m grateful that both of our kids are young enough that the true meaning of Christmas is enough, but I am broken hearted that we can’t afford to get any gifts for them. I try to remember that each day I give my love, time and prayers to my family and it’s the best gift I can give.

Thank you for helping me get through my day. It’s the one hour where I can ignore the stress we’re facing and focus on the joy you bring to others.

Gratefully,

Michele

Getting back into a groove

I have done workouts 3 days in a row. Yay! I've officially blown last week out of the water. :o) So now I just have two more days to go until the dreaded weekend. I still haven't come up with a plan, and it's killing me.

Last weekend: Saturday: Either Em was watching tv or Kyle was playing Halo.

Sunday: Football or Em's shows.

When am I gonna grow a pair and request some tv time on the weekend?!?!

I told Em today that I need the time to exercise because if I don't, I am sad and don't feel good about myself. Then I asked her if she wanted me to be happy mommy, or grumpy mommy. She responded happy mommy, then laid down for her nap. How sweet!

So now it's figuring out why I don't feel worthy of asking for what I need to be successful. I guess it's partly because what I wanted or needed always seemed to be contingent on if someone else deemed them important enough. My mom was my biggest advocate making sure that I got to take dance & piano lessons and go to Europe on two high school trips and to the east coast in jr high on a school trip as well. Someone else always fought with her on that. She would use her disability money from Japan on me to make sure I got to experience things and actually enjoy my youth a bit.

I think I'll talk to Kyle about it, since I'm sure he has no idea how I feel about it and it honestly is me just not saying anything. I'm sure if I ask, he'll be more than happy to take a break for however long I need. He's awesome and so supportive, I just need to tell him that I need something. :o)

Well, I have MOPs tomorrow, our speaker is talking about that very thing and not being everything to everyone and putting ourselves last during the holidays. Go figure! Time to get my evite sent out and plan for Noah's birthday party. It's coming up quick and I feel so unprepared!

Night!!!

Stalling out

So it's Saturday night and I've worked out a total of 1 day this week, and that was Monday. What?!? I've been feeling under the weather most of the week - vertigo makes working out pretty tough. Anyway, I feel gross and grouchy, so clearly, my body is going through workout withdrawals. The other annoying thing is it seems darling Flo is back already. Um, seriously, take a vacation (that doesn't end with me having another baby).

I really need to get back on the ball with my workouts. The challenge has been with getting Em down for naps and then making sure I have some time to do the workouts. Of course, deciding to watch DVR'd shows probably didn't help either.

Anyway, just wanted to update on my non-progress and mention the scale was back up to 161.6 on Wednesday. Grrrr... Need to drink lots of water. That is 65% of the problem - water retention.

Need to get to bed!

B for Effort

So yesterday's workout was a family walk to the grocery store - I did push Noah there in the stroller and most of the way back (with one arm and a coffee in the other). Otherwise, the tv was either on Em's stuff or Halo. Joy. Anyway, today wasn't starting out any better. Plus, I woke up feeling hungover - I'm dehydrated. So it's almost midnight now. I decided at 10:45 that I would do some yoga. Of course, right before I get started, Noah wakes up hungry.

I did the yoga routine, my hips hurt now and I still feel sick and I'm crabby, so I think it's time to get to bed. Cardio tomorrow. Please let Kendell put me in a good mood or I may just cry all afternoon. Did I mention that AF seems to be trying to make an encore? Seriously!?! If it doesn't get better by March, this stupid IUD is coming out and I'll go on seasonique or something. I take enough pills at night, what is one more? *eye roll*

Goals for tomorrow:

Get back to drinking a lot of water

Do Cardio

If I am still crabby - blog or write a journal entry about it and move on.

*crickets*

Okay, so I managed to disappear from the blog for a while. I've been in a bit of a funk (courtesy of not taking meds over the weekend and other stuff) and just didn't feel like I had much to say. I've gotten two solid workouts in this week, but I've been dealing with equilibrium garbage that I think is a lovely result of my flu-ish thing from a while back.

I really need to make a plan for this weekend. This is always where I get derailed and I really need to stop it. If I can't get a good plan of action in now, how in the world will I do it while I'm also curbing the calorie-fest I'm having now. Don't worry, not too many calories all the time, but not really tracking/logging/journaling food right now.

I did have a great thing happen today. I went into the closet and pulled out a cute shirt I got a couple years ago that fit, except for in the arms. Well, I put it on today, and while a tiny bit snug, it fit fine and I wore it to MOPs. It shows that my body is shrinking, even from before being pregnant with Noah. YAY!!! I am even more confident now that I am doing this the correct way for me.

I realize that life happens and situations will throw off my schedule and I need to be able to work around it more than I have in the past. You'd think with two small children I would know that by now, but it's amazing how much I seemed to expect them to conform to what I wanted. Now that Noah & Em tend to take their afternoon naps at the same time, I can give myself a solid hour. Of course, yesterday, I let Em play on the laptop while I worked out. I think it's good to let her watch me sweat and grunt and really push myself - and NOT complain about it. It did give me a boost at the end when she told me I did a great job and was willing to sit and play on the computer (Thanks to my friend Jacob from HS for recommending babysmash.com) so I could shower. I think the rest of that train of thought belongs on the other blog.
LOL

Anyhow, I wrote to Anne, my MOPs mentor mom, and asked her to pray for me. These are the areas I mentioned:

• Peace & patience with Em
• Feelings of guilt surrounding my temper
• A cool head when dealing with the tantrums and Em pushing my buttons
• Dealing with issues from my past manifesting in my emotions

I've really been struggling the last month or so, with outburts of anger at Em. I feel horribly ashamed. This is the type of behavior that my father gave me that I swore I'd never repeat, yet here I am. The catch is that I also like to sit and stew on things as well - a trait from my mom. The main issue is that I seem to forget that Em is only 2.5 and that there are so many things she is still just learning. I guess since I spend so much time with her, I forget the obvious things. I want to stop the cycle of mean-ness and anger. I want to be loving and constructive with discipline. I haven't been able to reign it in lately and follow along the Love & Logic principles I fell in love with a while back. I suppose I really should look into taking the classes when Liann next offers them. I think they would be invaluable to me. I'm not sure if I can talk Kyle into going with me, but the $75 or $100 for the 4 week course would be so helpful. It's really important for me to be on the same page as him and work as a team, but so often, I feel like I'm floundering at home when he's at work. I'm tired a lot and it's so difficult keeping up with two mobile kids who aren't fully in control of their faculties (i.e potty trained, old enough to dress themselves unsupervised, able to operate the remote, prepare their own food). ;o)

So I'll have to see what he thinks. I definitely think I should go to these, even if I have to pay $40 for the kids to be watched for all 4 classes and go by myself on Friday afternoons. Plus, if I go Friday afternoons, I don't have to "graduate" from the classes on my 30th birthday. LOL

It's getting super late and I need to get some sleep. The time change has been royally messing with my sleep habits. Why it means I stay up even later is beyond me. I just know that my former 8:30 sleep in time being pushed back to 7-7:15 has been rough, since I haven't been in bed and asleep before 11:30 in over a week.

TGIF!!! I'm going to work on a game plan for the weekends and get it blogged so I can try harder to stick to it. Plus, then I have it where I can see it, tweak it and hopefully follow it and make it an additional part of my routine. Ideally, once spring arrives, I can modify it to mean family time outdoors being active. Hopefully that will work with a 1 yr old & a 3 yr old. ;o) I'm picturing family hikes. Perhaps my birthday present for #30 should be the parking pass for all the parks so if I want, I can take the kids on some hikes during the week. I'll have to get strong enough to wear the big backpack with Noah in it, plus carry stuff. Maybe I'll stick to things I can use the jogging stroller on. LOL

Re-evaluating my goals

So I've noticed an interesting pattern to my weeks. Workout well Tues-Fri, eat decently Wed-Fri. Sat-Mon, different story. No workouts, eating whatever. I am taking a step back on the diet and focusing on the workouts for the next few weeks to see what happens. I know that eating well is a key, however, I'm still nursing Noah most of the time, so that is still impacting my loss rate.

My workouts today were tough. But not for the same reasons. I did a crunch cardio sculpt workout that was tough. Then, decided that 30 minutes wasn't enough, so I did a 10 minute dance workout - it was 5 - 10 minute workouts. It was okay. The hard part came in the last 2 segments, when Em was down stairs with us. Noah was fussing, and Em decided to start goofing off around me. However, I was definitely happy when she told me I did a good job.

I finally got my iPhone today, so I'm excited to get it all set up and start using it. I have a cute cover for it and can't wait to play in the app store. :o)

I'm excited to refocus and get some good workouts this week. I think I got thrown off because my Thursday workout wasn't that great and I just felt off after it. Plus, we had the funeral to go to on Saturday and then I started getting sick again. I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster. Definitely makes it hard to lose weight, but I'll figure it out. It's all about balance, and that takes time to manage.

Thursdays are great!

Today was the first day of MOPs. I've heard a few girlfriends from one of my mommy boards raving about their MOPs groups, so I decided to join one locally. It meets in the Cascade Covenant Church, which is on our list of churches to visit. I do have to add that while we have a list, we haven't been doing any visiting. ;o) I know, bad!!! So if Kyle has the weekend off, we will probably go to a service.

I enjoyed the group of moms that were at my table. I think it's an awesome experience to share in their lives as well as to have a fantastic mentor mom who's been there, done that, and their grandkids are our kids' age. I kept waiting to see if my pager would go off saying Noah needed me, or if the runner would come tell me Em needed me, but nothing. I was able to sit, enjoy my breakfast, my 2 cups of coffee, great company, and a nice, relaxing couple of hours.

When I picked the kids up, Noah was doing pretty well still, but Em, was just bubbly, happy and very excited about "play school." (Kyle & I started calling it that so that she'd want to be like Caillou and go.) She was so good for me today. I couldn't believe it! I think we had one tiff before we left, and one before she had her nap, but otherwise, pretty fantastic for a 2 year old!

Unfortunately, we missed watching the Office & Fringe tonight because between Em telling us she had to go potty every 5 minutes (well, about 10 minutes after each previous attempt ended), getting Noah to bed, Kyle working...well, we just didn't get to it. At least we have the weekend to watch via DVR. Sadly, Kyle has to work a ton tomorrow night too. He's been working so much lately! I am just praying that he can get 2 days off this weekend! Seriously miffed that tomorrow is the 12th day in a row that he's at work. Normally I wouldn't be overly upset about it, except that 1) he's salaried, so he's essentially working for free, and 2) he's working pretty much 70% of the time he is home (and not asleep). I think this must have been how he felt when I was working at Expedia, but at least I was making bank in overtime pay! So if you think of it, please pray for a slight decrease in workload, or better yet, something that pays better and is closer to our current home. It would be awesome to have his commute cut by about half and not worry so much about how we'll make ends meet. I understand that we are growing in our faith exponentially, but it would be nice to have a breather every now and again.

In the scheme of things, I know this will just be a blip in our lives and we'll look back and marvel at how God helped us through this. There are many other tests and trials we could be facing with regard to building faith and relying on God as the only source of solace. I have several friends who have many more challenging situations they are working through at this very minute, so I don't even begin to claim this is the same, nor as difficult. It's simply a storm that will pass when God deems it time. Of course, this all goes back to my prayer for patience when I was about 13. I'm still extremely impatient 16 years later. ;o) I do notice I'm learning with each "growing opportunity" that there is a little bit more in the well each time.

Tomorrow I've decided that unless I'm super sore, I'll do Tae Bo. I'll save Jillian for another day. Besides, I also have my Walk Away the Pounds I could do (though I can't stand listening to Leslie Sansone talk), or heaven forbid the Carmen Electra workouts... It's sad, that even re-starting, I feel like the less intense workouts just don't do anything. Take for example, my workout today. It wasn't really super intense or that difficult, but I was dripping sweat pretty quickly into it. I'm definitely beginning to feel some stiffness in my muscles too, but it's the good pain. Well, all but in my lower back. That is definitely not fun. It's been stiff for a while, so hopefully doing some kick boxing will help get fresh blood in and loosen up the muscles.

Time to finish logging my water for the night and get some sleep.

I'm fighting mad...at myself...

So I was realizing last night that I've been letting valuable weeks go by not working out. Truthfully, I started this post several days ago, but the kids have kept me busy and we gave potty training a try, so I've been distracted once again.

Today, I dug out a bunch of workout dvds and videos while looking for Anchorman for Jen. I plan to start making rotations of the workouts and getting to bed early and getting up early. I figure, I have 2 months until my girls weekend out in Vegas, so I should really get serious about getting in better shape. It doesn't really help all that much that I dug out old photos of myself and saw how thin I used to be. I thought I was fat at the time, but I'd love to be that size again. Granted, I was in the same size clothing right before I got pregnant with Emily, but somehow was about 30 lbs heavier. I can't even imagine what I will look like at my goal weight.

I have to figure out where to set up the little tv with the vcr so I can do my vhs workouts. Plus, then I can bring in my Disney tapes to let Em watch.

Kyle had to work all weekend, so I was down for a good chunk, but we had a great bbq yesterday with Jen & our friend Dan. It's funny that since we've moved, we've rarely had anyone over. We've had family over, obviously, but other than Sammy coming over for camp planning and I think Tim, we hadn't really had anyone visit. Granted, it's been a pretty crazy year and I am praying that 2010 is 100% better than this year.

I'm very excited that I got into the local MOPs group and start going next week. I am so desperate for adult contact. I think it's funny that I've gotten so shy about making new friends. I can only hope that Emily will make friends with the other kids and we'll start having play dates and I can start making other mommy friends. I'm sure Kyle would enjoy me having my crazy girl talk with women and having shopping friends rather than insisting he come with me. :o)

I am starting a challenge on my mom's board on sparkpeople.com. It's running concurrently with the Biggest Loser: Second Chances (Season 8) starting this Tuesday. So, I definitely need to start meal planning and measuring serving sizes and tracking calories again. I am giving myself 4 or 5 months and if I don't see results, I'm going to ask Kyle to let me rejoin Weight Watchers. I always had great success on the program, and I know it works, so it's my fall back if I really can't do it "on my own".

I will post my challenge start weight & stats and progress to keep myself honest. :o) Wish me luck and send some extra consistency my way.