Week 9 - By the skin

...of my teeth, I eked out a 1 lb loss. I ate with reckless abandon (okay, restrained abandon haha) this weekend, using 56 pts on Saturday and nearly as many on Sunday. Yeowza! I got on the scale yesterday morning and saw 172.8. Not good! So I drank 12 cups of water and did a kicking cardio workout last night around 8:30 pm after the kids were in bed. I also ate well, focusing on cutting back on salt. It worked! 169.2 this morning, all that salt flushed out. Lesson learned, salt is not my friend, at least not without a lot of water at the same time. :)

So I think I'm about 5-10 lbs from where I was when we moved to camp just about 1 yr ago. It's good to know that I've almost undone all the damage of last year in just about 2.5 months. I'm feeling a lot stronger and more fit than a year ago, so that is also a bonus. Plus, I'm sure that while my weight is similar, my body composition is not. Really looking forward to seeing how my body transforms as I get closer to goal and see how it compares to 2006 before I got pregnant. I know it won't be the same, but I'm hopeful that I'll be stronger and more muscular. I have a long way to go, and I'm under no illusions that this is going to be either quick or easy, but definitely enjoying the journey this time around.

Bring it on!

So yesterday was my follow up with my ARNP. She was happy about my 10 lbs lost and that I am doing much better. It looked like we were going to leave meds as they were, but I made a comment about increasing the anti-depressant, to which she replied, "sure, that might help." Pretty standard appointment, but still love her! She's so easy to get along with and very positive.

I'm on day 2 of the increased dosage. So far, ouch! So tired and moody. Forgot about those side effects from the first week and the fact that adding more meds means more adjustments. Yesterday was rough. Today, I knew to expect it, so I am not quite as nearly impacted. Emotionally, I'm a little more steady, but basically, back to where I was 2 days ago. LOL

I didn't get a workout in yesterday, I was cleaning and doing laundry instead. I could completely tell, because I was cranky. I hit the treadmill today for 30 minutes. I walked the first 6 mins, then ran for 5, then switched to intervals of 1-2 mins of each for the remaining 19 mins. I was happy that I ran for half of the time and my mile time was 14:10, which is really good for me! The other good thing is that I can run without the song being completely fast & rocking. Yay!

Also, a mom at Em's school mentioned today that she can tell I'm losing weight and looked good. :D Nothing like a good compliment to make a girl feel good. Wondering what my friends will have to say this weekend. I'm excited about the progress I'm making and since I did say I'd do a marathon with two of them in the next 5 yrs... I guess at some point I'll have to start running for more than 4 miles. LOL I think that since we're on summer vacation, I might give a longer distance a try next week, even if Noah's up and the kids are watching tv. I think 5 miles is doable and I won't pressure myself to run a ton, just at least 20 mins. Heck, if I can run for 30 mins I will be so pumped! :)

I'm just so excited that I'm slowly becoming a runner. It felt good and I wish that I would have kept running when I stopped at 5 mins. I think I could have done at least another 2-3 mins, but I psyched myself out. I definitely noticed that the farther along I got, the harder it was to run for 2 mins, I think the last intervals were 1 min each. So I think when I do my 5 miles, I'll just run as long as I can before stopping just to see how long I can go. Granted, I'm only running at 5mph, but I have stumpy legs and I'm still 54 lbs over my max healthy BMI. I'm so excited to imagine what it will be like to be back down in the 140's and running, then the 130's, 120's & maybe even the 110's. My ARNP thinks that 120 is a good goal weight - she seemed a little shocked when I said 115-120. I told her that I was shooting for 115, but that I'm happy at 120 if that is where my body decides it's done. My healthy BMI range is 99-124, so I do have some wiggle room. The trick will be to not gain a ton if we decide to have another baby. Because I can tell you now, if I gain 30, most of it will come off easily and then it will only be 10-15 lbs to work at. Much nicer than 70 lbs!

Week 4 - Love this!

I lost another 3 lbs this week! :D Can't be upset about that one! So that makes 8.6 lbs in 4 weeks. Plus, I had lost about 4 lbs before I started WW, so 12.6 lbs in 7 weeks! Hoping my ARNP is super excited on Thursday.

Today was my last day taking weekly measurements. I lost another 2.25 inches, for a total of 13.5 in 4 weeks. I decided that as the inch loss slows, I might get discouraged, so I'm more than willing to wait a month to see how I'm doing. :) I did notice I've gone down 1 pant size already too.

I really should have hit the treadmill, but the kids really did a number on my nerves today - acted up while we were helping set up/get chairs for graduation tomorrow. Em screamed the entire way home (20 mins), so I gobbled up a Butterfinger. 8 pts!!! Wow, not going to do that again. It wasn't even satisfying or all that tasty. Oh well, I have 6 days to get past that one! Just really want this week to be over!

Clothes

I am working on packing up our house, slowly. Today, I packed up all of my skinny clothes. There were tons of size 6 & 8 pants, skirts, size small tops and I miss them! I went on a shopping spree about 1 month before I got pregnant with Em and subsequently grew out of them within a few weeks after finding out. I have such cute skirts, so many pairs of Lucky Brand jeans, my mint green XS North Face vest. I cannot wait to hit next spring/summer and be at goal. That may mean some of those clothes might even be too big! Either way, I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to shop out of my own clothes as I get thinner.

This time I am 100% determined to make this work. I may need to increase my anti-depressant dosage at my next appt to help that. I've noticed my motivation is waning, along with my coping skills. I do fine as long as the sun is out, but on days like today, where it's dark & gray, I just want to go back to bed or have it be quiet. I'm feeling so much better than 6 weeks ago, but I know that this still isn't where I need to be. I'm just grateful that I'm aware enough of my emotions to know that I need to be my own advocate and to speak up if something is wrong.

I know that once we have moved into the new house and I have more space, things will help. I'm so claustrophobic in our apartment with the two kids and dog constantly underfoot, that having over double the space will be a much needed relief. I'm really looking forward to having a fully enclosed room for Kyle & I again and for having 2 bathrooms and for the kids to have their own rooms. I'm excited to have my treadmill in my house to use whenever I want, regardless of groups being at camp. I'm most excited about a house that is not on the main camp property. No guests waking the kids up from naps/sleep, no dog barking all day while groups are here, privacy for our family.

I better go find a snack, then get back to packing. While I have time, I shouldn't waste it and then rush at the end. It would be great to avoid procrastinating for once. ;)

1 week down

So last week I really worked hard. I exercised Mon-Thurs. Friday, I took a day off because we were getting up early and trekking down to the in laws who would watch the kids while Kyle and I were off at our retreat for the weekend. I fully intended to exercise Saturday & Sunday, intended to eat carefully and intended to be back on my A game as of Monday. HAH! I was up until lord knows how early Saturday morning, so I was not having any nonsense of getting up early. I did get to sleep earlier on Saturday night, but still was in no mood to do anything on Sunday morning. No clue how much I ate, I just know it was a lot. :o(

It was great to have some time away from the kids, sadly, I was back to bickering with Kyle by the time we landed back in Tacoma from the ferry. I've been really struggling with a lot of stuff that happened when I was younger - lots of unresolved feelings of betrayal, abandonment and many other unpleasant stuff. We had a good talk for most of the way back to T-town, but I'm just not in the greatest emotional place at the moment. I'm hypersensitive and very argumentative lately. Doesn't help that Em is a carbon copy of those traits and so the two of us butt heads like it was the newest fad. :o(

Perhaps a good chunk of it was that I was looking forward to a low key birthday party for Em at home the weekend after Easter, but instead, Kyle agreed to going to Camp Bethel to help at the spring youth retreat without even checking dates. So Em's 3rd birthday party will be with a few of our friends, but mostly people I vaguely know and a bunch of kids I don't know at all. Am I bitter? Getting there pretty darn fast. With Easter coming up next weekend, Melody & Bob heading to Cabo the 16th, there is no time for Em's family party until sometime in May. Um, awesome. Yeah, she may not care, but I kind of do. She doesn't quite understand that Grandma, Grandpa, Jen and others in our family won't be there. Kyle doesn't seem to grasp that it bugs the heck out of me. Of course, he spent a good chunk of the weekend sulking about having to work in Bremerton Monday & Tuesday, so I suspect there could have been an alien landing and he wouldn't have noticed. :o\

I'm not one for typically airing our dirty laundry for the world to see, but recently, I've been spending a lot of time pretending to be dealing with life okay. Honestly, not so much. There is a ton of stuff up in the air right now - if/where we're moving, if Kyle might find a new (and better) job, if he'll get his dream job and we'll move to the edge of the earth...(not literally, though the WA coast is pretty darn close).

I have a lot more to say, but I need to spend some time coloring with Em.

Will I still be carded?

So looming ahead of me, 1 week from now, is my 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it when it was much farther away. But to be honest, as it gets closer and closer, I'm not too thrilled. I don't know if it's that I figured I'd have it together a bit more by now, or if it's just that I'm not overly happy with what I haven't done.

I feel like life is just a chaotic mess and that I'm merely trying to survive it instead of living it. That's a disappointment for sure. Who wants to just go through the motions instead of enjoying what every day has to offer and truly embrace everything, good or bad?

I also think I'm stuck in the "grass is greener" mentality. I have friends that are currently expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby - I want to be pregnant too (I HATE pregnancy). I have friends that are single that are out doing all sorts of stuff - no attachments (I LOVE my family). I have friends that are married with no kids or are just having/had their first - I miss the newness of everything (I'm excited to have been with Kyle just about 10 years). Perhaps it's that I spent so many years wanting to get pregnant, wanting to have a baby and being jealous of those who were in that state that for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to disengage from autopilot.

I adore my kids and my husband. I know I'm completely blessed with two healthy children (aside from a mild chicken pox incident with Noah), a loving and devoted husband, a nice home, wonderful in-laws, and I'm able to stay at home with the kids full time. Granted, we're walking a super fine line with surviving financially with me at home after last year's financial upheaval, but we're making due.

My workouts and diet have pretty much fallen to the wayside. I just am not motivated. I'm in the throes of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) - speaking of which, seeing it mentioned on 30 Rock the other week made me laugh - I think I'm still dealing with the tail end of post partum depression, my normal clinical depression, and an unforgiving sweet tooth. Sugar cookie binge anyone? To be honest though, there are stark improvements. I made about 5.5 dozen tiny sugar cookies. I think there are still 3.5 dozen left, and almost 1 dozen that are gone were eaten by the rest of the family. In the past (meaning even a month ago), there would only be about 1 dozen left now and the family would have eaten maybe 6.

I really need to set attainable goals and benchmarks and really keep myself accountable. I guess maybe I need to print off my weight loss chart and hang it on the fridge like I did before. Nothing like seeing the line going down (or up after a bad week or two) to keep you from digging into the ice cream or having an extra serving of pasta.

I have to leave it at that for now, I have a hungry customer upstairs!

Relationships

As I was mentioning on my previous post, I miss Kyle. I miss the relationship we had before we had kids, more over, I miss the relationship we had before we thought about having kids. I miss laughing all the time, not being stressed over money or our jobs (well, not to this degree anyway), or fighting about anything other than my indecision over dinner.

It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.

We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL

I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.

The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.

The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.

If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.

However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.

So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.

On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.

Waffles and fessing up

This post initially was just titled Waffles and was going to be a light hearted post about the fact some weeks I'm awesome with working out, others, not so much. Instead, here goes nothing...

I am struggling. A LOT. Financially we're way over extended, emotionally, I'm tapped dry, physically, well, other than being hungry, but not wanting to eat (mostly for fear of binging & having not much to eat), I'm doing okay. Honestly though, I am scared, broken hearted and depressed.

I'm scared because we can't afford to live in our house, but we have 6 months left on our lease and can't afford to pay 1st/last/deposit to move anyway. I'm scared because we have bills to pay, but no money to do so because we've spent every last dime we've saved/put away for retirement to keep the roof over our heads. I'm scared because I don't like what the stress has done to me and my relationship with my kids. I love them to pieces, but I've been Madam grumpy pants all week. I feel guilty that I don't get a job to help Kyle financially, but then feel guilty because I like being home with the kids and working full time doesn't help us when day care for both kids full time is probably as much, if not more than I'd be earning, making it completely worthless. I also am scared to put myself out there. I hated part time jobs growing up, but really should consider it. The catch is that Kyle is often not home until 6pm, leaving little time in the evenings to work, and I don't want to give up my weekends with him & the kids together to work and bring hardly any money in.

I'm broken hearted because Noah turns 1 tomorrow and we have no gifts to give him. I can try to rush through and finish his baby blanket that I started before he was born, but still. I am broken hearted because there won't be any gifts under the tree for the kids for Christmas. At least not ones we paid for. I am broken hearted that I've left a rift grow in my relationship with Kyle. Thankfully, it isn't too bad, but we're both hurting a lot and I've put a lot of distance between us because I was too proud to admit to him how scared I am of everything.

I'm depressed. Yes, clinically, post partum, and seasonally. I've suffered from depression for at least a decade, I've admitted it in the past, but it seems to get worse. I can't cope with the financial strain we're under, the kids' needs often leave me feeling overwhelmed with the simplest tasks. I lose my temper at least a few times a day, I often wonder if I was really cut out to be a mom. I question myself constantly and I wonder if the kids can feel secure with me. At the end of the day, I know they do, they know I love them, and they love me back. I can't ask for anything more than the unconditional love we share. I just feel so inadequate and so worthless so much of the time. Man I miss my therapist Dr Lara. We were starting to make progress while I was pregnant with Em, but then I never went back. She helped me feel normal for the first time in a while, but I've back-slid quite a bit.

Here is a letter I wrote to Ellen DeGeneres today that sums up what I've been bottling up for the last year - and probably why I've been so miserable. It's ironic that I was able to be completely honest and transparent with someone that is a total stranger, other than her show coming into my living room and offering a sense of escape for a short time each day. While I've admitted parts to various friends from online groups, I've never come out and said all of it. Now I'm starving and need to eat a snack.

Dear Ellen,

I’m a huge fan and try to watch the show every day. I am always moved seeing your kindness and generosity. This past year was difficult for my family and your show was one of the things that helped me put on a brave face for my two kids.

Last Christmas, my husband was in the hospital and I was snowed in at home with the kids. We didn’t celebrate and it was one of the lowest points in my life. I vowed this Christmas would be better, but my husband was laid off at the end of January and the job he found pays only half of what he had made. We’ve used all our saving to pay rent and are behind on all of our bills. We can no longer afford to stay in our home, but can’t afford the deposits to move somewhere more affordable and closer to my husband’s job, 50 miles away. We’ve had to empty our kids’ piggy banks just so he could buy gas to get to and from work.

Our parents have been generous helping to keep us afloat, but it is embarrassing and unfair to them to continually ask for help each month. I’m grateful that both of our kids are young enough that the true meaning of Christmas is enough, but I am broken hearted that we can’t afford to get any gifts for them. I try to remember that each day I give my love, time and prayers to my family and it’s the best gift I can give.

Thank you for helping me get through my day. It’s the one hour where I can ignore the stress we’re facing and focus on the joy you bring to others.

Gratefully,

Michele

I didn't die!

I have a workout DVD called The Firm: Super Cardio Mix. It is tough - I think it's an intermediate/advanced level workout. I remember trying to do the workout while I was doing WW the first time - back in 2004 I think. I thought I was going to die and wasn't able to maintain a lot of the cardio.

I've picked it up and looked at it a few times over the last month or two, but never had the guts to give it a try. Well, after yesterday's dismal performance with Kendell doing strength training, I was worried I might be biting off more than I could chew. I forgot how cheesy the outfits were, but it is a great cardiovascular endurance workout. 49 minutes of plyometrics, running, etc. I survived. I did have to take it down on one particular jump section toward the end, mostly because I got a blister on my instep during the workout. Not wearing those shoes again! But other than an itchy throat because I'm still technically getting over the flu, feel great.

It does help greatly that Kyle has the day off from work. This morning was my time, this afternoon was his. I got my hair cut, nails done - I wanted acrylics, and figured, I'm giving up my retirement money to pay bills, so I'm getting something fun out of the deal. Kyle went for a haircut and kindly did the grocery shopping for dinners this afternoon while I was home with the kids. I might have scheduled things on purpose so that I got nap time to work out like normal. This was important because I know I won't work out tomorrow and betting the lunch post-memorial service tomorrow won't be overly healthy - think Costco wraps and the like.

I'm just grateful I'm making good progress and was actually able to get another quick shower in post workout because Kyle got home. :o) Sometimes it's the little things.

Thursdays are great!

Today was the first day of MOPs. I've heard a few girlfriends from one of my mommy boards raving about their MOPs groups, so I decided to join one locally. It meets in the Cascade Covenant Church, which is on our list of churches to visit. I do have to add that while we have a list, we haven't been doing any visiting. ;o) I know, bad!!! So if Kyle has the weekend off, we will probably go to a service.

I enjoyed the group of moms that were at my table. I think it's an awesome experience to share in their lives as well as to have a fantastic mentor mom who's been there, done that, and their grandkids are our kids' age. I kept waiting to see if my pager would go off saying Noah needed me, or if the runner would come tell me Em needed me, but nothing. I was able to sit, enjoy my breakfast, my 2 cups of coffee, great company, and a nice, relaxing couple of hours.

When I picked the kids up, Noah was doing pretty well still, but Em, was just bubbly, happy and very excited about "play school." (Kyle & I started calling it that so that she'd want to be like Caillou and go.) She was so good for me today. I couldn't believe it! I think we had one tiff before we left, and one before she had her nap, but otherwise, pretty fantastic for a 2 year old!

Unfortunately, we missed watching the Office & Fringe tonight because between Em telling us she had to go potty every 5 minutes (well, about 10 minutes after each previous attempt ended), getting Noah to bed, Kyle working...well, we just didn't get to it. At least we have the weekend to watch via DVR. Sadly, Kyle has to work a ton tomorrow night too. He's been working so much lately! I am just praying that he can get 2 days off this weekend! Seriously miffed that tomorrow is the 12th day in a row that he's at work. Normally I wouldn't be overly upset about it, except that 1) he's salaried, so he's essentially working for free, and 2) he's working pretty much 70% of the time he is home (and not asleep). I think this must have been how he felt when I was working at Expedia, but at least I was making bank in overtime pay! So if you think of it, please pray for a slight decrease in workload, or better yet, something that pays better and is closer to our current home. It would be awesome to have his commute cut by about half and not worry so much about how we'll make ends meet. I understand that we are growing in our faith exponentially, but it would be nice to have a breather every now and again.

In the scheme of things, I know this will just be a blip in our lives and we'll look back and marvel at how God helped us through this. There are many other tests and trials we could be facing with regard to building faith and relying on God as the only source of solace. I have several friends who have many more challenging situations they are working through at this very minute, so I don't even begin to claim this is the same, nor as difficult. It's simply a storm that will pass when God deems it time. Of course, this all goes back to my prayer for patience when I was about 13. I'm still extremely impatient 16 years later. ;o) I do notice I'm learning with each "growing opportunity" that there is a little bit more in the well each time.

Tomorrow I've decided that unless I'm super sore, I'll do Tae Bo. I'll save Jillian for another day. Besides, I also have my Walk Away the Pounds I could do (though I can't stand listening to Leslie Sansone talk), or heaven forbid the Carmen Electra workouts... It's sad, that even re-starting, I feel like the less intense workouts just don't do anything. Take for example, my workout today. It wasn't really super intense or that difficult, but I was dripping sweat pretty quickly into it. I'm definitely beginning to feel some stiffness in my muscles too, but it's the good pain. Well, all but in my lower back. That is definitely not fun. It's been stiff for a while, so hopefully doing some kick boxing will help get fresh blood in and loosen up the muscles.

Time to finish logging my water for the night and get some sleep.