Week 15 - Managing

I'm tired, frustrated and in high need of a kick-butt workout. I was down 0.8 lbs this week, despite hardly working out - had a 5 day break because of a cold. I ate quite a bit and felt generally quite blah. I've managed to step up the workouts by at least having them the last few days, but I am not in the game mentally.

Problem 1 - AF/TOM/the Crimson tide...whatever you call it, it's visiting after a 4.25 month absence (thank you Seasonale!). I'm feeling sluggish, tired, grumpy and unmotivated. Thankfully, I decided to wash my bedding or I'd most likely be in bed instead of in my workout clothes blogging. I need to get to my workout in a few minutes, but thought I'd post before I forgot about this week's post.

Problem 2 - The humid, gray weather. We've had some sun, but nothing that lasts very long and my SAD seems to be continuing on into the summer. UGH! It was beautiful yesterday afternoon when I went for a short trail run, and it was clear last night when I was stargazing through the sky light above our bed at 3:30 (Thanks Noah).

Problem 3 - The lingering cold. I'm still a little stuffy & runny nosed, but nothing compared to last week or the week before.

So hopefully as the week goes on, I'll feel a bit better and feel more motivated. I'm in a mental slump and just don't feel like food journaling and working out. I still do it, but it doesn't hold as much of the positive nature that it did before camp started. Granted, the slow-down in my weight loss is probably part of that - something that reigning in the stress eating and fattening, higher calorie stuff I've been eating more of would help out with. I'm just grateful I'm under 50 lbs left to goal weight. I've lost 22.4 of the 70.4 lbs I needed to lose. So 48 lbs left. I only have to do what I've done about 2 more times. That makes it seem more doable.

Well, enough talk, I better get to my workout!

Heartbroken

Today is a hellish day. Em's been fighting and throwing tantrums all morning. I feel like throwing in the towel and hiding in bed for the rest of the day. I'm close to tears and it's all I can do to keep Noah from realizing just how sad I am. I feel like a terrible mother and that I'm doing something severely wrong that my daughter is so mean to me and so disobedient. I shouldn't desperately want to be away from them so much, but I feel like her sole purpose right now is to hit me where it hurts.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I pray, but I feel like it's not helping enough. I feel like I just am the worst person in the world lately. I know I shouldn't just sit and wallow around in self-pity, but when everyday feels like a constant onslaught from toddler-tudes, I can't help but take it personally. Just pray for me and hopefully this phase won't last too much longer.

At least I'm not stress eating. I don't feel like eating at all. Lost my appetite and just feel like shutting down and being alone. I know it will get better, but I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. :o(

I'd like to exchange my back please

So today was my 2nd chiropractic adjustment and my lower back has already tightened back up. I'm ticked off! Granted, a big part of the problem is my kids have stressed me out to the point all the muscles in my shoulders are tight too. I'm having a hard time dealing with stress this week and I'm very tired. I tried to take a nap to stave off a headache, but the kids climbed over, then knocked over the gate to the stairs and kept coming upstairs and whispering (in that kid not quiet whisper) plus playing with what seemed every loud toy we own.

As I sit here and type this, I keep yawning, causing tears to stream down my face. This is an affliction I've suffered as long as I can remember and it's really annoying when people ask me what's wrong only to reply, "I'm tired and I yawned". The looks I get are priceless.

I just realized that tomorrow is the last day I can workout in the retreat center next door. There is a large group here starting Sunday afternoon and they'll be here until Saturday, when the site staff get to camp. I guess I can ask Kyle if he can move the treadmill to the house or clear some stuff from the living room and move it in here. The prospect of only having my little living room to work out in for the next 2 weeks makes me want to cry. Of course, knowing I'll be woken up by loud foreign language praise singing at 6 am all next week also makes me want to cry. I am NOT a morning person and being woken up is a sure way to turn me into a dragon lady. ;) I guess I'll just have to remember my headphones upstairs and cancel out the noise with my own music.

I think tonight calls for a hot bath, a date with the ice pack and some benedryl. My sinuses hurt and I need to get some sleep tonight.

Meh

Having a rough emotional weekend. I was hoping to get something productive done this morning - either help out with the Raindrop Preschool garage sale or paint Em's room. I was under the impression someone was going to help out with my kids. Guess what I did this morning? I hung out with the kids while they went to workshops because Noah was being a whiny, clinger today. Lucky me. I'm really frustrated, so I've been stress eating today. Not good that at 3:20pm, I have 2 daily points left, but I do have 27 activity points still and all 49 of my weekly bonus points. Still...I don't care. I have eaten chips, a couple of Hostess snack cakes, might have had a bit of bourbon in my diet dr pepper. I'm just grouchy and annoyed and motivated to do nada.

A large part of this issue is my left hip and that because my back & pelvis are slightly out of alignment, I can't run without a lot of pain and discomfort for a significant period - I'm still limping! I have my first chiropractor appointment on 7/6 and cannot wait. I've come to love running when I'm frustrated because I can just turn my attention to the music I'm listening to, zone out and stare at the trees outside and run (or walk). The miles seemingly fly by (well, all 3-5 of them) and then I feel more centered. I need to find where I packed most of my workouts so I can have some variety until I can get back on the treadmill. Of course, I'm sure I'll be packing stuff back up in a couple of weeks, so it's kind of obnoxious (mostly that I packed them 1.5 months ago!)

I'm sure that I'll be back on track after the group leaves tomorrow, or at least by Monday. Honestly though, I'm trying to give myself a bit of leeway, I'm not doing that badly by any stretch of the imagination. I am just having a rough day and despite sunshine and one napping kid and the other playing with her cousin, I didn't want to work out, just wanted to sit and sulk, so that's what I'm doing. It's quiet, so that's a bonus. I know I'm only human and I can't expect to be doing fabulously on WW every single day, so today is my "human day". I can go back to being a machine tomorrow. :)

Nap time!

Week 4 - Love this!

I lost another 3 lbs this week! :D Can't be upset about that one! So that makes 8.6 lbs in 4 weeks. Plus, I had lost about 4 lbs before I started WW, so 12.6 lbs in 7 weeks! Hoping my ARNP is super excited on Thursday.

Today was my last day taking weekly measurements. I lost another 2.25 inches, for a total of 13.5 in 4 weeks. I decided that as the inch loss slows, I might get discouraged, so I'm more than willing to wait a month to see how I'm doing. :) I did notice I've gone down 1 pant size already too.

I really should have hit the treadmill, but the kids really did a number on my nerves today - acted up while we were helping set up/get chairs for graduation tomorrow. Em screamed the entire way home (20 mins), so I gobbled up a Butterfinger. 8 pts!!! Wow, not going to do that again. It wasn't even satisfying or all that tasty. Oh well, I have 6 days to get past that one! Just really want this week to be over!

Sick

I am very unwell. Not so much physically as emotionally. This is a very heavy blog post, but I need to get this off of my chest. I apologize in advance for so many caps, exclamation points, sarcasm and rude references and such...I'm not using my normal "filter" for polite company.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life, treating it medically on and off since 2003 and with therapy from 03-05ish, then early 2007. I stopped after having Emily and just didn't go back. I struggled with severe anxiety midway through my pregnancy with Em and got on Zoloft and began therapy to cope with life. With Em coming early, I cancelled my appt being in the hospital and then never got around to scheduling anything. I did keep up with meds religiously...until the last few months. I finally saw a local dr to get a new prescription, filled it, then after the first month's supply was up, forgot about it. I was sick, then Em & Kyle were sick and life just kept moving while I was slowly grinding to a halt.

I didn't realize just how bad it was getting - I never do really - until I hit a brick wall today, this past weekend...it's all a little fuzzy. It's just from being exhausted emotionally for months, coupling with all of a sudden, emotions that were hidden for years bubbling to the surface and essentially shutting down all sane, rational thinking. Well, at least that is the story I'm sticking to unless I hear otherwise.

I'm going to see the dr tomorrow at which point, we'll talk about best meds for my situation and if it proves something stronger is necessary, I will no longer be nursing Noah effective immediately. I'm at the point where I'm doing no one any good in my mental state. I need more stability than I'm capable of providing right now, so if I can get my chemistry back in order and find someone that can help me keep myself off a ledge, we'll be in better shape. It's just a sad state of affairs when I immediately shut down just hearing Em start throwing a tantrum - which is so common place anymore, it's amazing that we manage to get everyone fed, etc. Plus, Em is really starting to bristle against me because I've been having a rough time and she's getting the brunt of it I think. :o( Nothing makes me feel like a crappier mother than this.

Hence why I'm heading down a really bad spiral at about Mach 3. :o( There isn't much that could make it worse short of being admitted to a padded room or having the kids taken away. At least Noah still gives me smiles.

I just hate that I'm becoming my father, who I think was by far one of the worst examples of parenting that exists. That is by and large the majority of the reasons why I struggle with such severe depression and anxiety. Nothing like being expected to be perfect, treated as if I was always doing something "suspect" despite no evidence to support it, and then basically written off - granted, I did cut him off to disallow him to contact me, but it was for the best at the time. But what else could I expect when he promptly divorces my mom after over 33 years of marriage and a long affair?

How could I even begin to accept his new family when he wouldn't even HONESTLY admit to it? Besides, I've heard enough about his new wife from extended family to know, I am not missing much. I would be expected to treat this woman, barely older than Kyle, like a mother (HELL NO!) and treat her with respect she has not earned. She belittled me for not responding to him last year, when I was trying hard to respond fairly and without years of bitterness and anger loading my words. Who in the hell does she think she is?!? Of course, she will believe whatever he has told her - he's very persuasive to those who don't know (or care that) he lies a LOT and takes responsibility for anything about as often as a 3 year old chooses to eat brussel sprouts over french fries.

So granted, there are no innocent or perfect parties in the relationship, but honesty was a huge sticking point for me and the fact that he felt he didn't need to be honest, much less take any responsibility for leaving my mom, "Oh, her question is what made me leave." Leave I could *almost* believe, immediately moving in with another woman...yeah, no, it would be the little head in his pants that is responsible there. Besides, who really can believe all the lies that he said. Because I'm sure that he and his bad attitude and lack of ingenuity couldn't have had anything to do with the numerous pass overs for promotions and it was all to do with the fact one of the people going against him was gay or was a woman. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

So what it boils down to is, I feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, and unloved from my childhood regardless of whether it is true now or not. My self esteem is in the toilet and I'm having a hard time moving on. I've spent at least the last 10 years being angry about it because it meant I wasn't admitting I was completely broken hearted to my core. I am torn in half with one side feeling the worst emotions and the other half knowing that thought pattern isn't rational, but not being able to reconcile the two.

So right now I need prayers, support, encouragement. I'm afraid to really get into all of my emotional baggage, but I know that if I don't, I'm only putting off the inevitable honestly, delaying healing. But it is more than just myself I'm hurting, and I realize it. I have a lot of guilty feelings to atone for and a lot of apologies to make to Kyle, Emily and Noah (and more). This is one of the most painful times of my life and I've even postponed having any more kids indefinitely until things get worked through.