It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.
We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL
I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.
The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.
The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.
If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.
However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.
So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.
On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.
