Stuck

I've been having a tough time lately. Granted, I ran out of thyroid meds - after not getting my levels tested last month, having no time to get to the dr by myself and having no refills, I'm out of luck with that business. I also ran out of "happy pills" and just haven't refilled them yet. I should do that, since I'm grouchy.

Aside from being chemically out of balance, I just realized this morning, while I was pouting about not going to MOPs this week (Em has been sick since Sunday), that I really don't have anything else just for me. With the Em being sick, I have completely run out of patience and the incessant whining is driving me to my wits end. :o( You'd think I could be more sympathetic, since I went through the same illness a week earlier (I lost almost 7 lbs that week!), but she throws herself into a panicked state when it's time to eat. She took 1 bite of a cheeseburger yesterday, gagged and threw up. Seriously getting fed up with it. She had no problems eating fruit snacks and cinnamon toast crunch yesterday. :o\

I've been tasked by Kyle to figure out what else I can do for myself because as I sit here, I start to cry about having nothing for myself. No hobbies, no fun activities, it's always the kids. I hate that Kyle has no time to take off of work. There are just days where I really need to be alone and decompress but that NEVER happens, unless you consider sleeping all day while I was sick that kind of time. There were days when I was still working that I would work from home just so I could be alone and refocus. I can barely spend anytime by myself, even going to the bathroom! I love the kids and staying at home with them is a gift, but I NEED a break.

I haven't worked out really since December, I am grouchy all the time, I'm always tired and I am so disappointed in myself and my attitude. I'm so full of resentment and bitterness. I am not happy, and I know that while a lot of it is my choice to wallow in self-pity because I'm unstimulated and tired. I think perhaps the fact Em chooses to ignore my requests of her more often than not is the biggest catalyst for making me so upset. There is nothing that makes you feel less appreciated than hearing "NO!" screamed at the top of a toddlers lungs ALL DAY LONG. I wish I was being overdramatic, but honestly, it's pretty much all day every day. I'm trying Love & Logic, but right now, I just want to take Noah and let her scream her head off in her room until she passes out from being exhausted. I love her with all my heart, but I don't know how much more of her attitude I can take.

Relationships

As I was mentioning on my previous post, I miss Kyle. I miss the relationship we had before we had kids, more over, I miss the relationship we had before we thought about having kids. I miss laughing all the time, not being stressed over money or our jobs (well, not to this degree anyway), or fighting about anything other than my indecision over dinner.

It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.

We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL

I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.

The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.

The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.

If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.

However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.

So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.

On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.

Bugs, germs and the like

So let's see, today is Thursday, 12/17. The last time I donned my workout clothes and worked out...Tuesday, 12/1. UGH! I was busy with getting the house ready for Noah's party and stressed over finances, so the 2-6 were a wash. Within hours of our guests leaving, I began feeling sick. So the 7-14, I couldn't breathe well at all. Stuffy head, runny nose, swollen sinuses, coughing, headache...such fun. Then the 15-17, well, I was working on our Christmas card, tired and a bit dizzy still. Yesterday, I was so exhausted that I was constantly falling asleep. In fact, the phrase I heard most often was, "Momma wake up." LOL Today, I had MOPs, and while I had hoped to catch a few winks while the kids were napping, I got the wrapping papers & bows out of the garage as well as some of our Graco items that I need to clean up and get pics of to put on craigslist.

So the recap: stressed/busy, sick, busy. I've wanted to workout, but honestly, just thinking about going upstairs to get my clothes on was exhausting. I had hoped I'd be able to do something today, but I'm already yawning, so that doesn't bode well for my stamina. Maybe tomorrow. I'm doing laundry tomorrow, so that should keep me moving. Of course, I'm also hoping payday ends up being tomorrow instead of Monday so I can pick up our Christmas cards and hopefully get them all in the mail on Monday. It would be nice if they weren't all super late.

I better get Noah a fresh diaper, get him playing and then get to cleaning up the stuff. Blah. Some days I really hate having to be responsible and doing stuff. Well, really, that is most days, but I've been struggling with motivation a lot. I'm really praying that this can be the last tough holiday season for us. Last year it was health and being home challenges, this year, it's financial struggles. I figure, we'll probably be in a different home by June, if not before, so that should help significantly. Of course, we'd love for Kyle to find a better paying and closer job so we could stay here longer, but I think God is calling us somewhere else. So we'll probably move closer to T-town, much to my chagrin. ;o) I didn't mind living there all that much, mostly just having to go to classes. Besides, it would be fun to take the kids for walks, etc. along the water front during the summer months. And also, means, easier access to the grandparents and even Aunt Melody & Uncle Bob for babysitting. I mean, being able to have maybe biweekly date nights would be such a welcome change. I miss my husband terribly!!!

I think that is inspiring another post, but that will have to wait. I'll try to come back tonight and go on about that, but most likely that will happen tomorrow or sometime into next week. :o)

Thursdays are great!

Today was the first day of MOPs. I've heard a few girlfriends from one of my mommy boards raving about their MOPs groups, so I decided to join one locally. It meets in the Cascade Covenant Church, which is on our list of churches to visit. I do have to add that while we have a list, we haven't been doing any visiting. ;o) I know, bad!!! So if Kyle has the weekend off, we will probably go to a service.

I enjoyed the group of moms that were at my table. I think it's an awesome experience to share in their lives as well as to have a fantastic mentor mom who's been there, done that, and their grandkids are our kids' age. I kept waiting to see if my pager would go off saying Noah needed me, or if the runner would come tell me Em needed me, but nothing. I was able to sit, enjoy my breakfast, my 2 cups of coffee, great company, and a nice, relaxing couple of hours.

When I picked the kids up, Noah was doing pretty well still, but Em, was just bubbly, happy and very excited about "play school." (Kyle & I started calling it that so that she'd want to be like Caillou and go.) She was so good for me today. I couldn't believe it! I think we had one tiff before we left, and one before she had her nap, but otherwise, pretty fantastic for a 2 year old!

Unfortunately, we missed watching the Office & Fringe tonight because between Em telling us she had to go potty every 5 minutes (well, about 10 minutes after each previous attempt ended), getting Noah to bed, Kyle working...well, we just didn't get to it. At least we have the weekend to watch via DVR. Sadly, Kyle has to work a ton tomorrow night too. He's been working so much lately! I am just praying that he can get 2 days off this weekend! Seriously miffed that tomorrow is the 12th day in a row that he's at work. Normally I wouldn't be overly upset about it, except that 1) he's salaried, so he's essentially working for free, and 2) he's working pretty much 70% of the time he is home (and not asleep). I think this must have been how he felt when I was working at Expedia, but at least I was making bank in overtime pay! So if you think of it, please pray for a slight decrease in workload, or better yet, something that pays better and is closer to our current home. It would be awesome to have his commute cut by about half and not worry so much about how we'll make ends meet. I understand that we are growing in our faith exponentially, but it would be nice to have a breather every now and again.

In the scheme of things, I know this will just be a blip in our lives and we'll look back and marvel at how God helped us through this. There are many other tests and trials we could be facing with regard to building faith and relying on God as the only source of solace. I have several friends who have many more challenging situations they are working through at this very minute, so I don't even begin to claim this is the same, nor as difficult. It's simply a storm that will pass when God deems it time. Of course, this all goes back to my prayer for patience when I was about 13. I'm still extremely impatient 16 years later. ;o) I do notice I'm learning with each "growing opportunity" that there is a little bit more in the well each time.

Tomorrow I've decided that unless I'm super sore, I'll do Tae Bo. I'll save Jillian for another day. Besides, I also have my Walk Away the Pounds I could do (though I can't stand listening to Leslie Sansone talk), or heaven forbid the Carmen Electra workouts... It's sad, that even re-starting, I feel like the less intense workouts just don't do anything. Take for example, my workout today. It wasn't really super intense or that difficult, but I was dripping sweat pretty quickly into it. I'm definitely beginning to feel some stiffness in my muscles too, but it's the good pain. Well, all but in my lower back. That is definitely not fun. It's been stiff for a while, so hopefully doing some kick boxing will help get fresh blood in and loosen up the muscles.

Time to finish logging my water for the night and get some sleep.

I'm fighting mad...at myself...

So I was realizing last night that I've been letting valuable weeks go by not working out. Truthfully, I started this post several days ago, but the kids have kept me busy and we gave potty training a try, so I've been distracted once again.

Today, I dug out a bunch of workout dvds and videos while looking for Anchorman for Jen. I plan to start making rotations of the workouts and getting to bed early and getting up early. I figure, I have 2 months until my girls weekend out in Vegas, so I should really get serious about getting in better shape. It doesn't really help all that much that I dug out old photos of myself and saw how thin I used to be. I thought I was fat at the time, but I'd love to be that size again. Granted, I was in the same size clothing right before I got pregnant with Emily, but somehow was about 30 lbs heavier. I can't even imagine what I will look like at my goal weight.

I have to figure out where to set up the little tv with the vcr so I can do my vhs workouts. Plus, then I can bring in my Disney tapes to let Em watch.

Kyle had to work all weekend, so I was down for a good chunk, but we had a great bbq yesterday with Jen & our friend Dan. It's funny that since we've moved, we've rarely had anyone over. We've had family over, obviously, but other than Sammy coming over for camp planning and I think Tim, we hadn't really had anyone visit. Granted, it's been a pretty crazy year and I am praying that 2010 is 100% better than this year.

I'm very excited that I got into the local MOPs group and start going next week. I am so desperate for adult contact. I think it's funny that I've gotten so shy about making new friends. I can only hope that Emily will make friends with the other kids and we'll start having play dates and I can start making other mommy friends. I'm sure Kyle would enjoy me having my crazy girl talk with women and having shopping friends rather than insisting he come with me. :o)

I am starting a challenge on my mom's board on sparkpeople.com. It's running concurrently with the Biggest Loser: Second Chances (Season 8) starting this Tuesday. So, I definitely need to start meal planning and measuring serving sizes and tracking calories again. I am giving myself 4 or 5 months and if I don't see results, I'm going to ask Kyle to let me rejoin Weight Watchers. I always had great success on the program, and I know it works, so it's my fall back if I really can't do it "on my own".

I will post my challenge start weight & stats and progress to keep myself honest. :o) Wish me luck and send some extra consistency my way.