What to do?

I'm having a majorly off day today. Noah was up a lot last night, so I'm really sleepy. The coffee I made myself has left me jittery. I suppose it is time for lunch, so I should eat, get Em fed and then decide what workout to do. I thought about doing the No More Trouble Zones again, but I am afraid my muscles are still too sore from the other day. Plus, my right instep and left knee are bugging me today. I suppose I could do some yoga, but I always feel like it's not quite enough. I might do the Carmen Electra toning video. It's fairly slow paced and does work my muscles. Plus, then I can use yoga to cool down and really stretch out my warm muscles.

Speaking of working out...I need to go pop my candle holder into the freezer for a bit to get my spent candle out of it so I can start a new one. Yeah, I'm random, but it's that relaxing one that I like to burn to stay calm and leveled while I workout.

Please, may I have another?

Oh, I am in a load of pain today. So what did I do? I worked out more. I did Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones workout yesterday - partly as punishment for slacking off and not working out for almost an entire week. I started getting sore yesterday, but even more this morning. I decided to do my fat burning pilates workout today. Most of it is standing cardio, using a 1-3 lb weight, and it finishes off with some mat work. It has been several weeks since I did that particular workout, so it was almost like new. I can feel my muscles on fire still...especially my shoulders, triceps and abs. Definitely know I'll get great results if I can keep it up...and will hurt less if I keep working than if I stop and let the blood in my muscle tissues get stagnant.

My toughest thing is the weekend. I don't like working out in front of people - probably one of the reasons why I have yet to really go out and run, or why I'm not a big gym fan. I did sign up with 24 hr fitness and did all right working out before work for a few weeks way back when I was contracting at Microsoft...so back in 2004 I think. I just got much more interested in sleeping in and not getting up and hitting the elliptical and treadmill. Anyway, I am not a big fan of working out with the kids roaming around, then, when they're napping, I have to fight Kyle for the TV and/or Xbox. I don't know why I feel bad about asking him to wait on stuff until after I get in my workout. I mean, I have every right to use the stuff as he does, and mine is for a good cause, but I guess I feel guilty since he doesn't get much time with the technology during the week between Em & my shows during the week.

I mean, if I workout Monday through Friday, it isn't a big deal, but lately, I've only been getting in 2 or 3 workouts in a week. I think tomorrow calls for another round with Jillian. I actually mostly enjoyed the workout and at the end, her pep talk was nice. Plus, if I want to get those great results she promises, I need to work it.

My new goals are to work on strength and endurance through the holidays. Once I wean Noah and get into January (if he's weaned by then) then I'll start counting calories, or doing WW again. I figure, it was causing me supply issues, so for now, I'll focus on making my body stronger and preparing it to be a fat burning machine. Then, once I drop my calorie intake, I should start dropping weight, and a little easier than if I just was a ball of goo. :o)

Re-evaluating my goals

So I've noticed an interesting pattern to my weeks. Workout well Tues-Fri, eat decently Wed-Fri. Sat-Mon, different story. No workouts, eating whatever. I am taking a step back on the diet and focusing on the workouts for the next few weeks to see what happens. I know that eating well is a key, however, I'm still nursing Noah most of the time, so that is still impacting my loss rate.

My workouts today were tough. But not for the same reasons. I did a crunch cardio sculpt workout that was tough. Then, decided that 30 minutes wasn't enough, so I did a 10 minute dance workout - it was 5 - 10 minute workouts. It was okay. The hard part came in the last 2 segments, when Em was down stairs with us. Noah was fussing, and Em decided to start goofing off around me. However, I was definitely happy when she told me I did a good job.

I finally got my iPhone today, so I'm excited to get it all set up and start using it. I have a cute cover for it and can't wait to play in the app store. :o)

I'm excited to refocus and get some good workouts this week. I think I got thrown off because my Thursday workout wasn't that great and I just felt off after it. Plus, we had the funeral to go to on Saturday and then I started getting sick again. I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster. Definitely makes it hard to lose weight, but I'll figure it out. It's all about balance, and that takes time to manage.

I didn't die!

I have a workout DVD called The Firm: Super Cardio Mix. It is tough - I think it's an intermediate/advanced level workout. I remember trying to do the workout while I was doing WW the first time - back in 2004 I think. I thought I was going to die and wasn't able to maintain a lot of the cardio.

I've picked it up and looked at it a few times over the last month or two, but never had the guts to give it a try. Well, after yesterday's dismal performance with Kendell doing strength training, I was worried I might be biting off more than I could chew. I forgot how cheesy the outfits were, but it is a great cardiovascular endurance workout. 49 minutes of plyometrics, running, etc. I survived. I did have to take it down on one particular jump section toward the end, mostly because I got a blister on my instep during the workout. Not wearing those shoes again! But other than an itchy throat because I'm still technically getting over the flu, feel great.

It does help greatly that Kyle has the day off from work. This morning was my time, this afternoon was his. I got my hair cut, nails done - I wanted acrylics, and figured, I'm giving up my retirement money to pay bills, so I'm getting something fun out of the deal. Kyle went for a haircut and kindly did the grocery shopping for dinners this afternoon while I was home with the kids. I might have scheduled things on purpose so that I got nap time to work out like normal. This was important because I know I won't work out tomorrow and betting the lunch post-memorial service tomorrow won't be overly healthy - think Costco wraps and the like.

I'm just grateful I'm making good progress and was actually able to get another quick shower in post workout because Kyle got home. :o) Sometimes it's the little things.

Phew!

I had my weigh in yesterday and was shocked to see 159.8 staring back at me from the scale. I lost 3 lbs this past week! I'm less than 2 lbs from my pre-baby weight with Noah! This is really exciting for me. I'm also still losing inches. It seems insane how many I've lost. I'll have to figure out if I can put an Excel chart into either a blog or as a widget to graph my inches lost. I measure the normal stuff (chest, waist, hips) and then also both upper arms, both thighs and my "pooch" (aka deflated baby belly). I am so close to getting the pooch under 40" (only need .5+) to get into the 30s. My hips have already tightened down to 38". I'm not expecting a ton more to go from that area. They seem much wider than they were pre-babies. Oh well.

For whatever reason, my workout today kicked my rear...much harder than normal. I am sad I feel like Kendell was angry with me for working out with Jillian yesterday. LOL Perhaps it's just that my muscles were fatigued from yesterday's beating. It's nice thinking of the fact I only have 44-45 lbs to lose to hit my goal weight of 115. I've lost that amount of weight before...I was just starting from a higher weight. Thankfully, having babies made the first chunk easier. LOL

Well, I hear a crying baby, so I guess that's it for tonight!

Why does this happen?

It's Monday and I feel like I got hit by a bus! I have a nasty sore throat and need to work out, since I took the weekend off - not entirely my fault. I just don't understand why I would have to get a sore throat, and why it is reducing me to a whiny mess. It doesn't help it's super windy out and gray. Also not helping is the fact the kids nap on opposite times now so I either have to pick a super short workout or force Noah to sit in his activity table for my entire workout.

I'm exhausted and probably should nap, but it's kind of hard to do with one of the kids always awake. I guess I'll try and find some yoga to do.

O-M-G!

I decided to search OnDemand today for a good cardio workout. I was super psyched when I saw Kendell Hogan's name attached to one under the Get Ripped category. It was the Bootcamp Cardio Burn. It was tough. It was fast paced, but there is lot of repetition - starting with one pattern and adding on, then starting from the top, adding on, etc. for about 29 minutes. I think I was dripping sweat for a good 15 minutes post workout.

I was hoping that the charisma and motivation I got from the Crunch workout with Kendell would translate to cardio. It did not disappoint. :o) I worked so hard and I pushed myself to do things I normally would have shirked my way out of. Squat thrust and mountain climbers are just an example. I'm happy with the definition that I'm starting to see in my upper arms and my calves and slowly my thighs. I really just can't wait until my deflated baby belly tightens up some. If only the stretch marks would disappear with the fat. ;o)

I did forget to burn my relax candle during my workout today, but I didn't need it. I'll save it for a bath I hope to take tonight. I could use a nice, hot soak in the tub to help loosen up my tight muscles.

I planned a low-cost easy to do plan for us tomorrow. Since the high is supposed to top off around the mid 50's, but be sunny, I decided we should take the jogging stroller out and go for a walk around Redmond. From time to time I really miss living there, just not the having an apartment next door to the post office and down the block from the fire station. LOL I figure we'll park at the mall and walk to the park or along the river. Perhaps we'll window shop at the mall too, who knows.

At least I finally figured out some things to put on my Christmas list. Heart rate monitor & pedometer. I have a Body Bugg, but let the subscription lapse and can't really afford the cost, not to mention since I do my tracking on sparkpeople, it got kind of redundant. So since neither is super pricey, I figure, asking for one and or the other is good. Of course, I'd always be happy with a mani/pedi or a massage too. ;o)

Miracles

So yesterday I managed to get back on track. I logged all of my food for the day, did not one, but two workouts. Okay, well, almost 2. There was a power flicker toward the end of the 2nd workout and the Xbox was temporarily out of commission. I didn't like the instructor, nor the workout enough to complete it once I figured out that the red ring wasn't a fatal error, but simply a notification that the power had gone out. LOL

So what is the miracle? After not logging my food from Saturday through Tuesday, and not working out Friday through Tuesday, I still managed to lose inches and only gained 0.4 lbs. Friday was a 2600+ calorie day all on it's own!

There were a variety of factors that led to my stint off track. The important thing for me was that I recognized them (grief from losing Kyle's Grandpa Vic, TOM/AF, SADD kicking in) and am working to push past those things. I know they will hold me back forever if I let them, which is why I gave myself a deadline to allow myself to be in that place. I am one that firmly believes in not stuffing feelings or ignoring them. As someone who has suffered from depression for going on (at least) 10 years, not validating the feelings can lead to a larger struggle down the road. I also was extremely frustrated by a response to my sparkpeople.com blog about that struggle. It basically said to me, "snap out of it, and just get on with your life." Those are possibly the worst things to hear, since it isn't a matter of just wishing it away. It's brain chemistry, and then at times, it will manifest itself into physical symptoms of being unwell.

That's it for now. The Xbox is on and Kendell Hogan from Crunch is waiting. :o)

Ready to get to it!

Watching the last of tonight's Biggest Loser episode on DVR and am recommitted to getting the workouts in and watching my diet again. I don't know if I just needed a break or what the deal is, but I am excited to get back to working it.

I don't hold any hope that tomorrow's weigh in will be anything but up. I haven't been paying much attention to my diet since Thursday and haven't worked out since then either. I haven't been drinking enough water either. So tomorrow it is back to it full force.

I'm feeling like I've turned a corner with the attitude and funky mood too. I gave myself through tonight to just "be" and now I'm ready to put the sadness and grief behind me. I owe it to myself, to the kids and to Kyle to get my mind and body back to a healthy state.

Clearly, my head it de-fogging. I'm eye-rolling the "boo-hooing" before the vote. Especially Tracy's big old frown before she cries. Now I just need to hope that the kids will do okay overnight, they'll nap well tomorrow and I will kick booty at my workout!

What am I missing?

I've been feeling in great conflict with myself lately. I've been extremely moody, angry, short-tempered and now I just feel a great angst. I feel like my soul is in torment and I can't figure out why.

I hope that I can get a good night of sleep, wake refreshed and well enough to brave a workout during the kids' nap. I also hope their naps last as long as they did today so that I have a while after the workout to shower and relax.

I'm praying for guidance, I'm listening for what God is trying to tell me, I'm giving over my grief about losing Kyle's grandpa to God, and I'm trying to quiet myself. This is my struggle for tonight...how can I quiet my thoughts, which seem to be going 500 mph?

I still feel like there is something I'm missing. I guess I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to releasing control to God.

Ick

So I haven't gotten a workout in since Thursday and I feel disgusting. Not only that, but I've eaten over my calories the last two days as well. Of course, now Em is sick, I'm not too far behind and I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before Kyle & Noah will be sick too. Awesome...

Kyle's going in search of some Emergen-C for me later, since I'm desperate to get over this fast. I hate being sick, especially since this time it is derailing me from my goals of being healthy. I guess I shouldn't stress too much, since it isn't as if I'm in a race to lose weight. The importance is that I continually make forward progress.

So if I have the energy, I'll do some light yoga today just to get some fresh blood in my muscles and try to encourage my lungs to stay clear. The headache is starting, so I suppose I should take some Tylenol and start drinking my water. Blech! At least it's Sunday so I have help today. I might just pass out on the couch soon. Em's head is on my leg and I'm reclined on the couch.

Day off or off day?

So I met up with my friend Nicole for lunch today. While I knew that I was going to eat well past my calories today, I wasn't expecting my body to conspire against me. I ate what was left of a chocolate bar in my kitchen and all I want is to eat fat, salt & sugar. I mean, big, juicy cheeseburger, cupcakes, you name, I want it. No workout today either. I am also in a really bad mood - mostly because someone has been a crabby pants most of the day as well.

I should go refill my water and make sure the kids are safe just in case my eyes close for a while. I woke up tired and had a really odd dream this morning that has left me feeling off all day. It's never pleasant to have a dream that you and your husband split up, you seemingly take turns trying to get the other one back, but neither is interested at the same time...they move on, you are hunted by someone, but somehow do end up back together just before you wake up. The only positive is that I was skinny in my dream. Small consolation for how bizarre I felt this morning. I don't know if it is my subconscious screaming out about how Kyle & I spend too much time on the computers and not just with each other, or if it is just a fluke.

I guess I got a bit miffed that Kyle was chatting with someone online for a couple hours last night, but we really weren't talking all that much. Or the fact that he got home and didn't really spend much time with Noah, but instead was on the computer. I think we're in desperate need of half a day unplugged. I'd say a whole day, but I think between Kyle, myself & Em, we'd probably go a little nutty. ;o)

So tomorrow I know I need to get in some exercise. I'm sore today, and while I said I wanted to be sore (since I worked so hard yesterday), I think I don't really want to be this sore. I think I finally got my form better for lat rows as my back hurts pretty badly. At least the scale still said 161.2 this morning. I'm sure it will turn on me tomorrow. Too much salt and fat today...not to mention calories! I also realized that I forgot to take my night time meds...for the first time in probably 6 months to a year. Oops! I'm sure that doesn't help things, but still. I'm sure if I forced myself to workout, I'd feel better, but with both kids up, it just doesn't look promising.

Ugh...now I'm craving hot chocolate, coffee, and other warm, gooey dessert-type stuff. Or maybe scones...or donuts... Gee, does it seem like I might be hormonal at all? It's probably a backlash from how strict I was getting on myself. I just need to get back on track tomorrow and not beat myself up over today. We're allowed one really off day now and then, right?

The challenge of being a mommy

As I sit down to write this, I hear Noah waking up. Em has just gone down for her nap, without her beloved green blankie. I need to workout, and I want to in some part, but the SADD (aka seasonal depression) riddled part, just wants to climb into bed. I had a great time at MOPs this morning, but somehow, I'm just feeling blah and down.

What should I be happy about? My size 10 jeans that just weeks ago left me with a Costco sized muffin top now only have a tiny bit of belly poking out. I've lost over 7 inches in the last 2 weeks alone! What is there to be upset with there? The scale said 161.2 this morning, down 1.2 since yesterday. Also nothing to be sad over. Emily had fun with her group at MOPs, I made a cute craft.

Yet, there is something nagging at me. I'm feeling glum, depressed and wanting to withdraw. I hate this feeling, mostly because it is all too familiar and I know I will be fighting a lot to keep it from taking over. The main factor is the weather. The clouds and rain of fall have replaced the sun and warmth of summer. I have forgotten to take my vitamin D the last few days, so that is also not helping things. Plus, I found out that our favorite Saturday morning breakfast restaurant, Mike's Cascade Grill, is closing its doors. We've gone there for years and it will be greatly missed! Where else will I get great Eggs Benedict on a Saturday morning, because I sure as heck won't make it. ;o)

Now that I've gotten these feelings out, it's time to work out and pray. God is weighing something on my heart, but I suspect I've been tuning Him out and I need to focus and listen to see what He has to say.