Summer time

This has been (to me) a rather lackluster summer. I've been tired a lot (insomnia anyone?) and being 2/3 of the way through my 4th pregnancy hasn't helped. My oldest is away at camp this week, so it's been interesting to see the dynamic shift between the remaining two kids.

I never have an easy time emotionally during camp weeks. It means long days with no consistent help at home and kids that get bored but don't want to do anything constructive to ease the boredom. Thankfully, with this pregnancy, Kyle has been trying to help as much as he can. My mom lived with us during my last pregnancy, and as hard and trying as that experience was, her help was invaluable.

I am looking forward to an extended family vacation coming up soon. That should be a nice time away from camp and a change of scenery. I love the Oregon coast (being that w as where I would go as a child), so waking up to the beach for a week sounds simply divine. I feel fortunate that I married into a great family, so spending a week with them is a lot of fun.

I have been trying to exercise and eat better in the last couple of weeks. I have my glucose test coming up in less than 2 weeks and I would love to pass it. I failed the 1 hour test with my first two, passed with the 3rd, so passing would be great, since we leave for vacation a few days after the test. I have always passed the 3 hour test, but avoiding it is idea. Who wants to spend 3 hours in a lab, being repeatedly poked after drinking a nasty tasting glucose drink? I've noticed that working out has helped my mental state. I always struggle with increased depression around 5-6 months into pregnancy, and being maxed out of my current antidepressant means that I really need to work on alternatives to adding a 2nd medication in. So if it means I have to exercise and then rest, that is what I need to do.

I am trying not to countdown to school yet. We picked up school supplies today, The first day is still over a month away, so it seems pointless to think much about it. I have friends who've had kids go back already or go back in the next few weeks, so it pops in there at times, but not all the time.

The dance of anger

One of the things this pregnancy has brought out in me is an intense temper. I've been quick to snap and slow to cool off. I feel like I'm angry 90% of the time, 9% sad, and "normal" the remaining 1%. It's getting old to say the least. These feelings may largely be due to dealing with a very stubborn little 2 year old girl day in and day out. She is fully in the "I am not listening" phase, which drives me crazy. I hate having to repeat requests, especially when I know the person is not listening and has no intentions of doing so. So having my requests only heeded when I am "scary voice yelling" really irks me. Not only do I feel like a class A jerk, but it makes me get headaches and I'm sure doing not so wonderful things to my blood pressure.

Needless to say, I am fighting off a major case of self-loathing. Being off Wellbutrin is not helping matters. Neither is having to stop writing to vacuum up an almost entire container of silver decorating sugar off the floor after watching said 2 year old unceremoniously dump the contents on the kitchen floor. I'm severely deficient in alone time these days, which will only get worse once the new baby arrives.

This isn't to say I don't love this little girl. She really is the light of my life, but that other little gremlin that takes over is the polar opposite. I wish I had the patience to suffer through the trials with more grace, but I just don't. I spend half the day counting the minutes until the older kids come home and I can "escape" for a few minutes, if I haven't convinced the 2 yr old we should nap earlier in the afternoon. Today was not one of those days.

Square one...again

Okay, that might be misleading. I'm not really back at square one. I'm pregnant with #4 and no where near where I should be weight or health wise. So I have to try and figure out how to improve my health without taxing my body over the course of spring/summer/fall until I have the baby. I need to make this work. I was at my "birth weight" from the other 3 pregnancies when I got pregnant this time and it's making life a LOT harder. Add in the "advanced maternal age" nonsense (I'm only 3 months past 35) along with my already determined high risk status (my body just likes to birth 18.5" babies), and it makes me wonder what I got myself into.

I am hoping once I can get back on Wellbutrin, I can get back into a better head space to prioritize my health with the hectic life living 20+ miles from the kids' school and town. I need to remember that if I'm not healthy, how can I possibly teach the kids to be healthy, much less be active with them, the way they deserve?

If I have to be honest, I'm insanely jealous of the energy the 3 kids have. I'm also tired of being nagged by Kyle for sleeping so much. This pregnancy has been so hard energy-wise. The nausea has been bad, but not the worst I've experienced. The fatigue and mood swings have really been the tough part. I'm really hoping that the second trimester will provide at least a bit more energy. I can't keep taking 2-3 hour naps every afternoon (after snoozing on and off all morning). In fact, I should be going to sleep now, caffeine after noon has not been my ally against insomnia.