Treading water...mostly

So I've been mentally stuck since having Arden. I've meant to exercise, planned to eat better, but it usually ends up lasting a few days here, a day or two there. Nothing solid, concrete or consistent. It's a disappointment to myself. I'm trying to be forgiving, but at the same time, I'm not holding myself accountable and enabling myself to keep quitting isn't helping me be healthier. I need to make some goals - long and short term - and post them and start posting regularly to be accountable and honest.

So in the last couple of months, I've gained 5 lbs, gone up a pant size (or perhaps admitted I actually don't fit in a size 12 well right now), felt more depressed and irritable than ever. It's been a really rough time. I finally admitted after doing some research and soul searching that I am now on the bipolar disorder spectrum. Not full blown BP1, but definitely more than just clinical depression. I'm now on a mood stabilizer medication that feels like it's making things worse - it isn't - I'm just no longer numb to everything. It's really tough to deal with a full range of emotions when you're used to feeling numbingly depressed all the time. Yes, it is great to feel happy and content again, but it really stinks when your 6 yr old can bring you to tears because not only is she being mean, but her words are hitting home and you realize she's right and you can make it into a teachable moment.

I ran (mostly walked) a 5K on Monday to the tune of around 53 minutes. Definitely not a time I'm proud of, but I originally intended to do some slow intervals for 20-30 minutes, so I'll take it. I went far above and beyond where I planned to take it. I've been meaning to do something since, but the lazy bug bit and I've been slacking again. :( I guess once a week is better than 0 times a week...for now. I'm fully expecting things to be a little chaotic until Noah's done with school in a couple of weeks, then we'll only have one kid in school until late June. Hopefully that will allow me to get the two younger ones in a good day-schedule so I can get a good workout in daily. I got the Jillian Michaels Kickboxing DVD and so far I like it. Not too horrible to ease back into working out - not too easy either. Of course, I skipped the weights the first time I tried workout 1. ;)

I will be back to post my goals once I get them outlined and ready to be made public. Ack!!! I have a long ways to go - less than I have previously, but for some reason it feels so much worse this time. I need to stop comparing my journey with friends that have less to lose, are taller, etc.

Tired of feeling fluffy

Where can one find some motivation to exercise? After having Arden, I feel like a fat blob. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I'm stuck at about 12 lbs down from my pre-delivery weight. :o( I don't know if adding in exercise will change it much, since I'm still exclusively breast feeding the baby, but I'm so tired of the saggy belly.

Now that she's pretty much sleeping through the night, I will hopefully find the energy & motivation to get back to regular workouts. In fact, I'm supposed to go to a Zumba class tonight, taught by a friend I met during Noah's preschool class last year. Hopefully I won't die! ;o) I have only done one other workout, and it was about 4-5 weeks ago. I ran/walked about 2.5 miles and felt okay, but tired. Of course, my body seems jacked up between having a baby 10 weeks ago and getting a depo shot a month ago. I guess I'll just power through and hope I make it. :o)

I need to make time to get back to journaling. I haven't done it regularly since October and I think it helped to get my feelings out on paper. I've had a lot of stress lately and it's definitely not helping dealing with the older two kids. I feel like I'm constantly losing my temper and just being generally unpleasant to be around. :o(

We'll see how I feel after tonight's Zumba class and then I can start to plan a flexible workout plan going forward. I need to remind myself that I need to make time for me and schedule them into my day.