Treading water...mostly

So I've been mentally stuck since having Arden. I've meant to exercise, planned to eat better, but it usually ends up lasting a few days here, a day or two there. Nothing solid, concrete or consistent. It's a disappointment to myself. I'm trying to be forgiving, but at the same time, I'm not holding myself accountable and enabling myself to keep quitting isn't helping me be healthier. I need to make some goals - long and short term - and post them and start posting regularly to be accountable and honest.

So in the last couple of months, I've gained 5 lbs, gone up a pant size (or perhaps admitted I actually don't fit in a size 12 well right now), felt more depressed and irritable than ever. It's been a really rough time. I finally admitted after doing some research and soul searching that I am now on the bipolar disorder spectrum. Not full blown BP1, but definitely more than just clinical depression. I'm now on a mood stabilizer medication that feels like it's making things worse - it isn't - I'm just no longer numb to everything. It's really tough to deal with a full range of emotions when you're used to feeling numbingly depressed all the time. Yes, it is great to feel happy and content again, but it really stinks when your 6 yr old can bring you to tears because not only is she being mean, but her words are hitting home and you realize she's right and you can make it into a teachable moment.

I ran (mostly walked) a 5K on Monday to the tune of around 53 minutes. Definitely not a time I'm proud of, but I originally intended to do some slow intervals for 20-30 minutes, so I'll take it. I went far above and beyond where I planned to take it. I've been meaning to do something since, but the lazy bug bit and I've been slacking again. :( I guess once a week is better than 0 times a week...for now. I'm fully expecting things to be a little chaotic until Noah's done with school in a couple of weeks, then we'll only have one kid in school until late June. Hopefully that will allow me to get the two younger ones in a good day-schedule so I can get a good workout in daily. I got the Jillian Michaels Kickboxing DVD and so far I like it. Not too horrible to ease back into working out - not too easy either. Of course, I skipped the weights the first time I tried workout 1. ;)

I will be back to post my goals once I get them outlined and ready to be made public. Ack!!! I have a long ways to go - less than I have previously, but for some reason it feels so much worse this time. I need to stop comparing my journey with friends that have less to lose, are taller, etc.