Sick

I am very unwell. Not so much physically as emotionally. This is a very heavy blog post, but I need to get this off of my chest. I apologize in advance for so many caps, exclamation points, sarcasm and rude references and such...I'm not using my normal "filter" for polite company.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life, treating it medically on and off since 2003 and with therapy from 03-05ish, then early 2007. I stopped after having Emily and just didn't go back. I struggled with severe anxiety midway through my pregnancy with Em and got on Zoloft and began therapy to cope with life. With Em coming early, I cancelled my appt being in the hospital and then never got around to scheduling anything. I did keep up with meds religiously...until the last few months. I finally saw a local dr to get a new prescription, filled it, then after the first month's supply was up, forgot about it. I was sick, then Em & Kyle were sick and life just kept moving while I was slowly grinding to a halt.

I didn't realize just how bad it was getting - I never do really - until I hit a brick wall today, this past weekend...it's all a little fuzzy. It's just from being exhausted emotionally for months, coupling with all of a sudden, emotions that were hidden for years bubbling to the surface and essentially shutting down all sane, rational thinking. Well, at least that is the story I'm sticking to unless I hear otherwise.

I'm going to see the dr tomorrow at which point, we'll talk about best meds for my situation and if it proves something stronger is necessary, I will no longer be nursing Noah effective immediately. I'm at the point where I'm doing no one any good in my mental state. I need more stability than I'm capable of providing right now, so if I can get my chemistry back in order and find someone that can help me keep myself off a ledge, we'll be in better shape. It's just a sad state of affairs when I immediately shut down just hearing Em start throwing a tantrum - which is so common place anymore, it's amazing that we manage to get everyone fed, etc. Plus, Em is really starting to bristle against me because I've been having a rough time and she's getting the brunt of it I think. :o( Nothing makes me feel like a crappier mother than this.

Hence why I'm heading down a really bad spiral at about Mach 3. :o( There isn't much that could make it worse short of being admitted to a padded room or having the kids taken away. At least Noah still gives me smiles.

I just hate that I'm becoming my father, who I think was by far one of the worst examples of parenting that exists. That is by and large the majority of the reasons why I struggle with such severe depression and anxiety. Nothing like being expected to be perfect, treated as if I was always doing something "suspect" despite no evidence to support it, and then basically written off - granted, I did cut him off to disallow him to contact me, but it was for the best at the time. But what else could I expect when he promptly divorces my mom after over 33 years of marriage and a long affair?

How could I even begin to accept his new family when he wouldn't even HONESTLY admit to it? Besides, I've heard enough about his new wife from extended family to know, I am not missing much. I would be expected to treat this woman, barely older than Kyle, like a mother (HELL NO!) and treat her with respect she has not earned. She belittled me for not responding to him last year, when I was trying hard to respond fairly and without years of bitterness and anger loading my words. Who in the hell does she think she is?!? Of course, she will believe whatever he has told her - he's very persuasive to those who don't know (or care that) he lies a LOT and takes responsibility for anything about as often as a 3 year old chooses to eat brussel sprouts over french fries.

So granted, there are no innocent or perfect parties in the relationship, but honesty was a huge sticking point for me and the fact that he felt he didn't need to be honest, much less take any responsibility for leaving my mom, "Oh, her question is what made me leave." Leave I could *almost* believe, immediately moving in with another woman...yeah, no, it would be the little head in his pants that is responsible there. Besides, who really can believe all the lies that he said. Because I'm sure that he and his bad attitude and lack of ingenuity couldn't have had anything to do with the numerous pass overs for promotions and it was all to do with the fact one of the people going against him was gay or was a woman. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

So what it boils down to is, I feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, and unloved from my childhood regardless of whether it is true now or not. My self esteem is in the toilet and I'm having a hard time moving on. I've spent at least the last 10 years being angry about it because it meant I wasn't admitting I was completely broken hearted to my core. I am torn in half with one side feeling the worst emotions and the other half knowing that thought pattern isn't rational, but not being able to reconcile the two.

So right now I need prayers, support, encouragement. I'm afraid to really get into all of my emotional baggage, but I know that if I don't, I'm only putting off the inevitable honestly, delaying healing. But it is more than just myself I'm hurting, and I realize it. I have a lot of guilty feelings to atone for and a lot of apologies to make to Kyle, Emily and Noah (and more). This is one of the most painful times of my life and I've even postponed having any more kids indefinitely until things get worked through.

1 week down

So last week I really worked hard. I exercised Mon-Thurs. Friday, I took a day off because we were getting up early and trekking down to the in laws who would watch the kids while Kyle and I were off at our retreat for the weekend. I fully intended to exercise Saturday & Sunday, intended to eat carefully and intended to be back on my A game as of Monday. HAH! I was up until lord knows how early Saturday morning, so I was not having any nonsense of getting up early. I did get to sleep earlier on Saturday night, but still was in no mood to do anything on Sunday morning. No clue how much I ate, I just know it was a lot. :o(

It was great to have some time away from the kids, sadly, I was back to bickering with Kyle by the time we landed back in Tacoma from the ferry. I've been really struggling with a lot of stuff that happened when I was younger - lots of unresolved feelings of betrayal, abandonment and many other unpleasant stuff. We had a good talk for most of the way back to T-town, but I'm just not in the greatest emotional place at the moment. I'm hypersensitive and very argumentative lately. Doesn't help that Em is a carbon copy of those traits and so the two of us butt heads like it was the newest fad. :o(

Perhaps a good chunk of it was that I was looking forward to a low key birthday party for Em at home the weekend after Easter, but instead, Kyle agreed to going to Camp Bethel to help at the spring youth retreat without even checking dates. So Em's 3rd birthday party will be with a few of our friends, but mostly people I vaguely know and a bunch of kids I don't know at all. Am I bitter? Getting there pretty darn fast. With Easter coming up next weekend, Melody & Bob heading to Cabo the 16th, there is no time for Em's family party until sometime in May. Um, awesome. Yeah, she may not care, but I kind of do. She doesn't quite understand that Grandma, Grandpa, Jen and others in our family won't be there. Kyle doesn't seem to grasp that it bugs the heck out of me. Of course, he spent a good chunk of the weekend sulking about having to work in Bremerton Monday & Tuesday, so I suspect there could have been an alien landing and he wouldn't have noticed. :o\

I'm not one for typically airing our dirty laundry for the world to see, but recently, I've been spending a lot of time pretending to be dealing with life okay. Honestly, not so much. There is a ton of stuff up in the air right now - if/where we're moving, if Kyle might find a new (and better) job, if he'll get his dream job and we'll move to the edge of the earth...(not literally, though the WA coast is pretty darn close).

I have a lot more to say, but I need to spend some time coloring with Em.

Stuck

I've been having a tough time lately. Granted, I ran out of thyroid meds - after not getting my levels tested last month, having no time to get to the dr by myself and having no refills, I'm out of luck with that business. I also ran out of "happy pills" and just haven't refilled them yet. I should do that, since I'm grouchy.

Aside from being chemically out of balance, I just realized this morning, while I was pouting about not going to MOPs this week (Em has been sick since Sunday), that I really don't have anything else just for me. With the Em being sick, I have completely run out of patience and the incessant whining is driving me to my wits end. :o( You'd think I could be more sympathetic, since I went through the same illness a week earlier (I lost almost 7 lbs that week!), but she throws herself into a panicked state when it's time to eat. She took 1 bite of a cheeseburger yesterday, gagged and threw up. Seriously getting fed up with it. She had no problems eating fruit snacks and cinnamon toast crunch yesterday. :o\

I've been tasked by Kyle to figure out what else I can do for myself because as I sit here, I start to cry about having nothing for myself. No hobbies, no fun activities, it's always the kids. I hate that Kyle has no time to take off of work. There are just days where I really need to be alone and decompress but that NEVER happens, unless you consider sleeping all day while I was sick that kind of time. There were days when I was still working that I would work from home just so I could be alone and refocus. I can barely spend anytime by myself, even going to the bathroom! I love the kids and staying at home with them is a gift, but I NEED a break.

I haven't worked out really since December, I am grouchy all the time, I'm always tired and I am so disappointed in myself and my attitude. I'm so full of resentment and bitterness. I am not happy, and I know that while a lot of it is my choice to wallow in self-pity because I'm unstimulated and tired. I think perhaps the fact Em chooses to ignore my requests of her more often than not is the biggest catalyst for making me so upset. There is nothing that makes you feel less appreciated than hearing "NO!" screamed at the top of a toddlers lungs ALL DAY LONG. I wish I was being overdramatic, but honestly, it's pretty much all day every day. I'm trying Love & Logic, but right now, I just want to take Noah and let her scream her head off in her room until she passes out from being exhausted. I love her with all my heart, but I don't know how much more of her attitude I can take.

Will I still be carded?

So looming ahead of me, 1 week from now, is my 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it when it was much farther away. But to be honest, as it gets closer and closer, I'm not too thrilled. I don't know if it's that I figured I'd have it together a bit more by now, or if it's just that I'm not overly happy with what I haven't done.

I feel like life is just a chaotic mess and that I'm merely trying to survive it instead of living it. That's a disappointment for sure. Who wants to just go through the motions instead of enjoying what every day has to offer and truly embrace everything, good or bad?

I also think I'm stuck in the "grass is greener" mentality. I have friends that are currently expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby - I want to be pregnant too (I HATE pregnancy). I have friends that are single that are out doing all sorts of stuff - no attachments (I LOVE my family). I have friends that are married with no kids or are just having/had their first - I miss the newness of everything (I'm excited to have been with Kyle just about 10 years). Perhaps it's that I spent so many years wanting to get pregnant, wanting to have a baby and being jealous of those who were in that state that for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to disengage from autopilot.

I adore my kids and my husband. I know I'm completely blessed with two healthy children (aside from a mild chicken pox incident with Noah), a loving and devoted husband, a nice home, wonderful in-laws, and I'm able to stay at home with the kids full time. Granted, we're walking a super fine line with surviving financially with me at home after last year's financial upheaval, but we're making due.

My workouts and diet have pretty much fallen to the wayside. I just am not motivated. I'm in the throes of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) - speaking of which, seeing it mentioned on 30 Rock the other week made me laugh - I think I'm still dealing with the tail end of post partum depression, my normal clinical depression, and an unforgiving sweet tooth. Sugar cookie binge anyone? To be honest though, there are stark improvements. I made about 5.5 dozen tiny sugar cookies. I think there are still 3.5 dozen left, and almost 1 dozen that are gone were eaten by the rest of the family. In the past (meaning even a month ago), there would only be about 1 dozen left now and the family would have eaten maybe 6.

I really need to set attainable goals and benchmarks and really keep myself accountable. I guess maybe I need to print off my weight loss chart and hang it on the fridge like I did before. Nothing like seeing the line going down (or up after a bad week or two) to keep you from digging into the ice cream or having an extra serving of pasta.

I have to leave it at that for now, I have a hungry customer upstairs!

Things that make you go hmmm...

Well, it's the "last chance workout day" and I haven't done a single workout in the first week of my weight loss challenge. Do I intend to today? Would it make me feel better? No, and yes. I am in a major funk today. My hormones are all over the place, doesn't help my lovely visitor is back on her every 2 weeks garbage. :o( I am currently down 1.2 lbs from last week, just by starting to curb my eating, but I feel like I'm letting my team down by sitting in my pjs all the time. I still can't shake this cold thing. Thankfully my throat is a little tiny bit better right now, but my bronchial tubes are irritated and I'm just worried if I start working out, that I'll end up with bronchitis from not resting. I took a couple Dayquil last night (worried I'd be super groggy all day if I took Nyquil) and managed to do halfway decent sleep-wise (helped Noah slept through!).

We all woke up by 7am this morning, but I promptly fell asleep snuggled with Em on the couch at 9, got Noah down for his nap at 10 and then fell back asleep with Em on my lap until 11, then got her fed, got Noah up and fed and I'm still so groggy. I'm starting to wonder if I have chronic fatigue syndrome. It wouldn't surprise me, as it has been linked to the Epstein-Barr virus and it started in earnest after I got sick in December.

I am so ready for this cruddy weather to take a hike already. I wanted to take the kids for a walk, but it was insanely windy for a week, now it's rainy and gross out. So I haven't done anything. I just want calm weather that is dry so we can all get out. You'd think being a NW native that I wouldn't mind walking in the rain, but being sick and with the kids, not such a big fan. Of course, right now the two most appealing places I'd like to be are either in a hot bath or snuggled in bed. Either is not an option with both kids awake. :o(

I just wish that I wasn't struggling so much right now. It really saps my self esteem to feel like I am letting everything else control me, or dictate what I do. I hate depression and need to fight it, I just am so tired, I can't manage to.

Train ride

This is kind of an odd title, but I'm trying to view it as getting back on the train to keep going on my journey to a healthier me. I haven't worked out since 12/1 and I'm actually nervous about getting back into a routine and working out regularly. I start my sparkpeople mom's group Biggest Loser challenge on Tuesday. I think we're pairing up this time, so it's a little bit more pressure than previous challenges. Of course, I am still nursing Noah, which I was hoping to be done with by now, so that makes it tough on the calorie restrictions. I do need to get back into focusing on healthy eating and more whole foods.

I was a train wreck with the sugar cookies we had at Christmas and our extended family Christmas party. I think I should be thankful I am still in the same general weight range I was at before Christmas. I still need to take before pics for the challenge and post my initial stats.

Time to watch Em play Memory Ni Hao, Kai Lan. :o)