Sick

I am very unwell. Not so much physically as emotionally. This is a very heavy blog post, but I need to get this off of my chest. I apologize in advance for so many caps, exclamation points, sarcasm and rude references and such...I'm not using my normal "filter" for polite company.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life, treating it medically on and off since 2003 and with therapy from 03-05ish, then early 2007. I stopped after having Emily and just didn't go back. I struggled with severe anxiety midway through my pregnancy with Em and got on Zoloft and began therapy to cope with life. With Em coming early, I cancelled my appt being in the hospital and then never got around to scheduling anything. I did keep up with meds religiously...until the last few months. I finally saw a local dr to get a new prescription, filled it, then after the first month's supply was up, forgot about it. I was sick, then Em & Kyle were sick and life just kept moving while I was slowly grinding to a halt.

I didn't realize just how bad it was getting - I never do really - until I hit a brick wall today, this past weekend...it's all a little fuzzy. It's just from being exhausted emotionally for months, coupling with all of a sudden, emotions that were hidden for years bubbling to the surface and essentially shutting down all sane, rational thinking. Well, at least that is the story I'm sticking to unless I hear otherwise.

I'm going to see the dr tomorrow at which point, we'll talk about best meds for my situation and if it proves something stronger is necessary, I will no longer be nursing Noah effective immediately. I'm at the point where I'm doing no one any good in my mental state. I need more stability than I'm capable of providing right now, so if I can get my chemistry back in order and find someone that can help me keep myself off a ledge, we'll be in better shape. It's just a sad state of affairs when I immediately shut down just hearing Em start throwing a tantrum - which is so common place anymore, it's amazing that we manage to get everyone fed, etc. Plus, Em is really starting to bristle against me because I've been having a rough time and she's getting the brunt of it I think. :o( Nothing makes me feel like a crappier mother than this.

Hence why I'm heading down a really bad spiral at about Mach 3. :o( There isn't much that could make it worse short of being admitted to a padded room or having the kids taken away. At least Noah still gives me smiles.

I just hate that I'm becoming my father, who I think was by far one of the worst examples of parenting that exists. That is by and large the majority of the reasons why I struggle with such severe depression and anxiety. Nothing like being expected to be perfect, treated as if I was always doing something "suspect" despite no evidence to support it, and then basically written off - granted, I did cut him off to disallow him to contact me, but it was for the best at the time. But what else could I expect when he promptly divorces my mom after over 33 years of marriage and a long affair?

How could I even begin to accept his new family when he wouldn't even HONESTLY admit to it? Besides, I've heard enough about his new wife from extended family to know, I am not missing much. I would be expected to treat this woman, barely older than Kyle, like a mother (HELL NO!) and treat her with respect she has not earned. She belittled me for not responding to him last year, when I was trying hard to respond fairly and without years of bitterness and anger loading my words. Who in the hell does she think she is?!? Of course, she will believe whatever he has told her - he's very persuasive to those who don't know (or care that) he lies a LOT and takes responsibility for anything about as often as a 3 year old chooses to eat brussel sprouts over french fries.

So granted, there are no innocent or perfect parties in the relationship, but honesty was a huge sticking point for me and the fact that he felt he didn't need to be honest, much less take any responsibility for leaving my mom, "Oh, her question is what made me leave." Leave I could *almost* believe, immediately moving in with another woman...yeah, no, it would be the little head in his pants that is responsible there. Besides, who really can believe all the lies that he said. Because I'm sure that he and his bad attitude and lack of ingenuity couldn't have had anything to do with the numerous pass overs for promotions and it was all to do with the fact one of the people going against him was gay or was a woman. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

So what it boils down to is, I feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, and unloved from my childhood regardless of whether it is true now or not. My self esteem is in the toilet and I'm having a hard time moving on. I've spent at least the last 10 years being angry about it because it meant I wasn't admitting I was completely broken hearted to my core. I am torn in half with one side feeling the worst emotions and the other half knowing that thought pattern isn't rational, but not being able to reconcile the two.

So right now I need prayers, support, encouragement. I'm afraid to really get into all of my emotional baggage, but I know that if I don't, I'm only putting off the inevitable honestly, delaying healing. But it is more than just myself I'm hurting, and I realize it. I have a lot of guilty feelings to atone for and a lot of apologies to make to Kyle, Emily and Noah (and more). This is one of the most painful times of my life and I've even postponed having any more kids indefinitely until things get worked through.