Will I still be carded?

So looming ahead of me, 1 week from now, is my 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it when it was much farther away. But to be honest, as it gets closer and closer, I'm not too thrilled. I don't know if it's that I figured I'd have it together a bit more by now, or if it's just that I'm not overly happy with what I haven't done.

I feel like life is just a chaotic mess and that I'm merely trying to survive it instead of living it. That's a disappointment for sure. Who wants to just go through the motions instead of enjoying what every day has to offer and truly embrace everything, good or bad?

I also think I'm stuck in the "grass is greener" mentality. I have friends that are currently expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby - I want to be pregnant too (I HATE pregnancy). I have friends that are single that are out doing all sorts of stuff - no attachments (I LOVE my family). I have friends that are married with no kids or are just having/had their first - I miss the newness of everything (I'm excited to have been with Kyle just about 10 years). Perhaps it's that I spent so many years wanting to get pregnant, wanting to have a baby and being jealous of those who were in that state that for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to disengage from autopilot.

I adore my kids and my husband. I know I'm completely blessed with two healthy children (aside from a mild chicken pox incident with Noah), a loving and devoted husband, a nice home, wonderful in-laws, and I'm able to stay at home with the kids full time. Granted, we're walking a super fine line with surviving financially with me at home after last year's financial upheaval, but we're making due.

My workouts and diet have pretty much fallen to the wayside. I just am not motivated. I'm in the throes of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) - speaking of which, seeing it mentioned on 30 Rock the other week made me laugh - I think I'm still dealing with the tail end of post partum depression, my normal clinical depression, and an unforgiving sweet tooth. Sugar cookie binge anyone? To be honest though, there are stark improvements. I made about 5.5 dozen tiny sugar cookies. I think there are still 3.5 dozen left, and almost 1 dozen that are gone were eaten by the rest of the family. In the past (meaning even a month ago), there would only be about 1 dozen left now and the family would have eaten maybe 6.

I really need to set attainable goals and benchmarks and really keep myself accountable. I guess maybe I need to print off my weight loss chart and hang it on the fridge like I did before. Nothing like seeing the line going down (or up after a bad week or two) to keep you from digging into the ice cream or having an extra serving of pasta.

I have to leave it at that for now, I have a hungry customer upstairs!

Re-evaluating my goals

So I've noticed an interesting pattern to my weeks. Workout well Tues-Fri, eat decently Wed-Fri. Sat-Mon, different story. No workouts, eating whatever. I am taking a step back on the diet and focusing on the workouts for the next few weeks to see what happens. I know that eating well is a key, however, I'm still nursing Noah most of the time, so that is still impacting my loss rate.

My workouts today were tough. But not for the same reasons. I did a crunch cardio sculpt workout that was tough. Then, decided that 30 minutes wasn't enough, so I did a 10 minute dance workout - it was 5 - 10 minute workouts. It was okay. The hard part came in the last 2 segments, when Em was down stairs with us. Noah was fussing, and Em decided to start goofing off around me. However, I was definitely happy when she told me I did a good job.

I finally got my iPhone today, so I'm excited to get it all set up and start using it. I have a cute cover for it and can't wait to play in the app store. :o)

I'm excited to refocus and get some good workouts this week. I think I got thrown off because my Thursday workout wasn't that great and I just felt off after it. Plus, we had the funeral to go to on Saturday and then I started getting sick again. I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster. Definitely makes it hard to lose weight, but I'll figure it out. It's all about balance, and that takes time to manage.

Thursdays are great!

Today was the first day of MOPs. I've heard a few girlfriends from one of my mommy boards raving about their MOPs groups, so I decided to join one locally. It meets in the Cascade Covenant Church, which is on our list of churches to visit. I do have to add that while we have a list, we haven't been doing any visiting. ;o) I know, bad!!! So if Kyle has the weekend off, we will probably go to a service.

I enjoyed the group of moms that were at my table. I think it's an awesome experience to share in their lives as well as to have a fantastic mentor mom who's been there, done that, and their grandkids are our kids' age. I kept waiting to see if my pager would go off saying Noah needed me, or if the runner would come tell me Em needed me, but nothing. I was able to sit, enjoy my breakfast, my 2 cups of coffee, great company, and a nice, relaxing couple of hours.

When I picked the kids up, Noah was doing pretty well still, but Em, was just bubbly, happy and very excited about "play school." (Kyle & I started calling it that so that she'd want to be like Caillou and go.) She was so good for me today. I couldn't believe it! I think we had one tiff before we left, and one before she had her nap, but otherwise, pretty fantastic for a 2 year old!

Unfortunately, we missed watching the Office & Fringe tonight because between Em telling us she had to go potty every 5 minutes (well, about 10 minutes after each previous attempt ended), getting Noah to bed, Kyle working...well, we just didn't get to it. At least we have the weekend to watch via DVR. Sadly, Kyle has to work a ton tomorrow night too. He's been working so much lately! I am just praying that he can get 2 days off this weekend! Seriously miffed that tomorrow is the 12th day in a row that he's at work. Normally I wouldn't be overly upset about it, except that 1) he's salaried, so he's essentially working for free, and 2) he's working pretty much 70% of the time he is home (and not asleep). I think this must have been how he felt when I was working at Expedia, but at least I was making bank in overtime pay! So if you think of it, please pray for a slight decrease in workload, or better yet, something that pays better and is closer to our current home. It would be awesome to have his commute cut by about half and not worry so much about how we'll make ends meet. I understand that we are growing in our faith exponentially, but it would be nice to have a breather every now and again.

In the scheme of things, I know this will just be a blip in our lives and we'll look back and marvel at how God helped us through this. There are many other tests and trials we could be facing with regard to building faith and relying on God as the only source of solace. I have several friends who have many more challenging situations they are working through at this very minute, so I don't even begin to claim this is the same, nor as difficult. It's simply a storm that will pass when God deems it time. Of course, this all goes back to my prayer for patience when I was about 13. I'm still extremely impatient 16 years later. ;o) I do notice I'm learning with each "growing opportunity" that there is a little bit more in the well each time.

Tomorrow I've decided that unless I'm super sore, I'll do Tae Bo. I'll save Jillian for another day. Besides, I also have my Walk Away the Pounds I could do (though I can't stand listening to Leslie Sansone talk), or heaven forbid the Carmen Electra workouts... It's sad, that even re-starting, I feel like the less intense workouts just don't do anything. Take for example, my workout today. It wasn't really super intense or that difficult, but I was dripping sweat pretty quickly into it. I'm definitely beginning to feel some stiffness in my muscles too, but it's the good pain. Well, all but in my lower back. That is definitely not fun. It's been stiff for a while, so hopefully doing some kick boxing will help get fresh blood in and loosen up the muscles.

Time to finish logging my water for the night and get some sleep.