Will I still be carded?

So looming ahead of me, 1 week from now, is my 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it when it was much farther away. But to be honest, as it gets closer and closer, I'm not too thrilled. I don't know if it's that I figured I'd have it together a bit more by now, or if it's just that I'm not overly happy with what I haven't done.

I feel like life is just a chaotic mess and that I'm merely trying to survive it instead of living it. That's a disappointment for sure. Who wants to just go through the motions instead of enjoying what every day has to offer and truly embrace everything, good or bad?

I also think I'm stuck in the "grass is greener" mentality. I have friends that are currently expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby - I want to be pregnant too (I HATE pregnancy). I have friends that are single that are out doing all sorts of stuff - no attachments (I LOVE my family). I have friends that are married with no kids or are just having/had their first - I miss the newness of everything (I'm excited to have been with Kyle just about 10 years). Perhaps it's that I spent so many years wanting to get pregnant, wanting to have a baby and being jealous of those who were in that state that for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to disengage from autopilot.

I adore my kids and my husband. I know I'm completely blessed with two healthy children (aside from a mild chicken pox incident with Noah), a loving and devoted husband, a nice home, wonderful in-laws, and I'm able to stay at home with the kids full time. Granted, we're walking a super fine line with surviving financially with me at home after last year's financial upheaval, but we're making due.

My workouts and diet have pretty much fallen to the wayside. I just am not motivated. I'm in the throes of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) - speaking of which, seeing it mentioned on 30 Rock the other week made me laugh - I think I'm still dealing with the tail end of post partum depression, my normal clinical depression, and an unforgiving sweet tooth. Sugar cookie binge anyone? To be honest though, there are stark improvements. I made about 5.5 dozen tiny sugar cookies. I think there are still 3.5 dozen left, and almost 1 dozen that are gone were eaten by the rest of the family. In the past (meaning even a month ago), there would only be about 1 dozen left now and the family would have eaten maybe 6.

I really need to set attainable goals and benchmarks and really keep myself accountable. I guess maybe I need to print off my weight loss chart and hang it on the fridge like I did before. Nothing like seeing the line going down (or up after a bad week or two) to keep you from digging into the ice cream or having an extra serving of pasta.

I have to leave it at that for now, I have a hungry customer upstairs!