Will I still be carded?

So looming ahead of me, 1 week from now, is my 30th birthday. I was looking forward to it when it was much farther away. But to be honest, as it gets closer and closer, I'm not too thrilled. I don't know if it's that I figured I'd have it together a bit more by now, or if it's just that I'm not overly happy with what I haven't done.

I feel like life is just a chaotic mess and that I'm merely trying to survive it instead of living it. That's a disappointment for sure. Who wants to just go through the motions instead of enjoying what every day has to offer and truly embrace everything, good or bad?

I also think I'm stuck in the "grass is greener" mentality. I have friends that are currently expecting their 2nd or 3rd baby - I want to be pregnant too (I HATE pregnancy). I have friends that are single that are out doing all sorts of stuff - no attachments (I LOVE my family). I have friends that are married with no kids or are just having/had their first - I miss the newness of everything (I'm excited to have been with Kyle just about 10 years). Perhaps it's that I spent so many years wanting to get pregnant, wanting to have a baby and being jealous of those who were in that state that for whatever reason, I can't get my mind to disengage from autopilot.

I adore my kids and my husband. I know I'm completely blessed with two healthy children (aside from a mild chicken pox incident with Noah), a loving and devoted husband, a nice home, wonderful in-laws, and I'm able to stay at home with the kids full time. Granted, we're walking a super fine line with surviving financially with me at home after last year's financial upheaval, but we're making due.

My workouts and diet have pretty much fallen to the wayside. I just am not motivated. I'm in the throes of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) - speaking of which, seeing it mentioned on 30 Rock the other week made me laugh - I think I'm still dealing with the tail end of post partum depression, my normal clinical depression, and an unforgiving sweet tooth. Sugar cookie binge anyone? To be honest though, there are stark improvements. I made about 5.5 dozen tiny sugar cookies. I think there are still 3.5 dozen left, and almost 1 dozen that are gone were eaten by the rest of the family. In the past (meaning even a month ago), there would only be about 1 dozen left now and the family would have eaten maybe 6.

I really need to set attainable goals and benchmarks and really keep myself accountable. I guess maybe I need to print off my weight loss chart and hang it on the fridge like I did before. Nothing like seeing the line going down (or up after a bad week or two) to keep you from digging into the ice cream or having an extra serving of pasta.

I have to leave it at that for now, I have a hungry customer upstairs!

Things that make you go hmmm...

Well, it's the "last chance workout day" and I haven't done a single workout in the first week of my weight loss challenge. Do I intend to today? Would it make me feel better? No, and yes. I am in a major funk today. My hormones are all over the place, doesn't help my lovely visitor is back on her every 2 weeks garbage. :o( I am currently down 1.2 lbs from last week, just by starting to curb my eating, but I feel like I'm letting my team down by sitting in my pjs all the time. I still can't shake this cold thing. Thankfully my throat is a little tiny bit better right now, but my bronchial tubes are irritated and I'm just worried if I start working out, that I'll end up with bronchitis from not resting. I took a couple Dayquil last night (worried I'd be super groggy all day if I took Nyquil) and managed to do halfway decent sleep-wise (helped Noah slept through!).

We all woke up by 7am this morning, but I promptly fell asleep snuggled with Em on the couch at 9, got Noah down for his nap at 10 and then fell back asleep with Em on my lap until 11, then got her fed, got Noah up and fed and I'm still so groggy. I'm starting to wonder if I have chronic fatigue syndrome. It wouldn't surprise me, as it has been linked to the Epstein-Barr virus and it started in earnest after I got sick in December.

I am so ready for this cruddy weather to take a hike already. I wanted to take the kids for a walk, but it was insanely windy for a week, now it's rainy and gross out. So I haven't done anything. I just want calm weather that is dry so we can all get out. You'd think being a NW native that I wouldn't mind walking in the rain, but being sick and with the kids, not such a big fan. Of course, right now the two most appealing places I'd like to be are either in a hot bath or snuggled in bed. Either is not an option with both kids awake. :o(

I just wish that I wasn't struggling so much right now. It really saps my self esteem to feel like I am letting everything else control me, or dictate what I do. I hate depression and need to fight it, I just am so tired, I can't manage to.

Train ride

This is kind of an odd title, but I'm trying to view it as getting back on the train to keep going on my journey to a healthier me. I haven't worked out since 12/1 and I'm actually nervous about getting back into a routine and working out regularly. I start my sparkpeople mom's group Biggest Loser challenge on Tuesday. I think we're pairing up this time, so it's a little bit more pressure than previous challenges. Of course, I am still nursing Noah, which I was hoping to be done with by now, so that makes it tough on the calorie restrictions. I do need to get back into focusing on healthy eating and more whole foods.

I was a train wreck with the sugar cookies we had at Christmas and our extended family Christmas party. I think I should be thankful I am still in the same general weight range I was at before Christmas. I still need to take before pics for the challenge and post my initial stats.

Time to watch Em play Memory Ni Hao, Kai Lan. :o)