Week 16 - Plateau land

Well, the inevitable happened - I had my first weight gain today. Granted, it was only 0.2 lbs, but it makes me a little sad that after 15 weeks of losses, it's my first weight speed bump. However, I did lose 4.5 inches in the last month. :)

So as it stands, in 16 weeks, I've lost 22.2 lbs and lost 25.75 inches. I've lost 9.5" off my waist, 5" off my hips, 5.25" off my thighs, 2" off my bust & 4" off my arms. I'm thrilled with how much I've shrunk, but I do have a long way to go. This is the part that I need to focus on. Yes, I've lost a lot, but I still have 48.2 lbs to lose to hit my goal. I'm only 1/3 of the way on my loss part of the journey.

I'm hoping that I've gotten the tail end of this cold gone and I can get really focused again. Granted, I have a move coming up in the next week and a half and I have to focus on packing and getting the apartment cleaned up while having my mom visit and getting preschool stuff ready for the kids. I'm determined not to let life get me down.

Meh

Having a rough emotional weekend. I was hoping to get something productive done this morning - either help out with the Raindrop Preschool garage sale or paint Em's room. I was under the impression someone was going to help out with my kids. Guess what I did this morning? I hung out with the kids while they went to workshops because Noah was being a whiny, clinger today. Lucky me. I'm really frustrated, so I've been stress eating today. Not good that at 3:20pm, I have 2 daily points left, but I do have 27 activity points still and all 49 of my weekly bonus points. Still...I don't care. I have eaten chips, a couple of Hostess snack cakes, might have had a bit of bourbon in my diet dr pepper. I'm just grouchy and annoyed and motivated to do nada.

A large part of this issue is my left hip and that because my back & pelvis are slightly out of alignment, I can't run without a lot of pain and discomfort for a significant period - I'm still limping! I have my first chiropractor appointment on 7/6 and cannot wait. I've come to love running when I'm frustrated because I can just turn my attention to the music I'm listening to, zone out and stare at the trees outside and run (or walk). The miles seemingly fly by (well, all 3-5 of them) and then I feel more centered. I need to find where I packed most of my workouts so I can have some variety until I can get back on the treadmill. Of course, I'm sure I'll be packing stuff back up in a couple of weeks, so it's kind of obnoxious (mostly that I packed them 1.5 months ago!)

I'm sure that I'll be back on track after the group leaves tomorrow, or at least by Monday. Honestly though, I'm trying to give myself a bit of leeway, I'm not doing that badly by any stretch of the imagination. I am just having a rough day and despite sunshine and one napping kid and the other playing with her cousin, I didn't want to work out, just wanted to sit and sulk, so that's what I'm doing. It's quiet, so that's a bonus. I know I'm only human and I can't expect to be doing fabulously on WW every single day, so today is my "human day". I can go back to being a machine tomorrow. :)

Nap time!

Week 5 - Not feeling the love

Wow, this was a rough week. I just couldn't find my groove. There was too much of "life" getting in the way. ;) Hoping this week is way better. It will be a bit tricky to get the kids into a bit of a schedule/rhythm since we don't have school. Diet will also be tricky until we can get to the store.

I'm still happy about my running progress, but it's hard not to focus on what went wrong. I got half as many activity points as I have been, I ate a lot of extra calories this weekend. And when I mean a lot, I mean a LOT. I ate all of my APs and a few of my weekly points (for the first time since I started). Needless to say, don't plan to do that again! I just feel really "off" lately. My head is out of the game and I feel like I'm unraveling. I know once I get a few workouts in and drink a lot of water and give my mood a detox, I'll be feeling a lot better. I just know I need to ease up on myself. It's flipping week 5, not every week is a stellar week and I still lost 0.2 lbs. I didn't gain, and given how badly I ate the last 4 days & how little water I had, it was great.

How many calories...

do you burn rolling your eyes at the fact the minute I get a good routine started, I get sick, then stop. My cold (relatively minor right now) has me sidelined as I try to let my body rest so I can finally be totally healthy - and because my nose hurts every time I inhale. I'm frustrated, especially since I've eaten way too much over the weekend and am up a lot right now. UGH!

Just wanted to vent. Hopefully I can do something. I just can feel it trying to move into my chest, so trying to avoid that as much as I can.

Waffles and fessing up

This post initially was just titled Waffles and was going to be a light hearted post about the fact some weeks I'm awesome with working out, others, not so much. Instead, here goes nothing...

I am struggling. A LOT. Financially we're way over extended, emotionally, I'm tapped dry, physically, well, other than being hungry, but not wanting to eat (mostly for fear of binging & having not much to eat), I'm doing okay. Honestly though, I am scared, broken hearted and depressed.

I'm scared because we can't afford to live in our house, but we have 6 months left on our lease and can't afford to pay 1st/last/deposit to move anyway. I'm scared because we have bills to pay, but no money to do so because we've spent every last dime we've saved/put away for retirement to keep the roof over our heads. I'm scared because I don't like what the stress has done to me and my relationship with my kids. I love them to pieces, but I've been Madam grumpy pants all week. I feel guilty that I don't get a job to help Kyle financially, but then feel guilty because I like being home with the kids and working full time doesn't help us when day care for both kids full time is probably as much, if not more than I'd be earning, making it completely worthless. I also am scared to put myself out there. I hated part time jobs growing up, but really should consider it. The catch is that Kyle is often not home until 6pm, leaving little time in the evenings to work, and I don't want to give up my weekends with him & the kids together to work and bring hardly any money in.

I'm broken hearted because Noah turns 1 tomorrow and we have no gifts to give him. I can try to rush through and finish his baby blanket that I started before he was born, but still. I am broken hearted because there won't be any gifts under the tree for the kids for Christmas. At least not ones we paid for. I am broken hearted that I've left a rift grow in my relationship with Kyle. Thankfully, it isn't too bad, but we're both hurting a lot and I've put a lot of distance between us because I was too proud to admit to him how scared I am of everything.

I'm depressed. Yes, clinically, post partum, and seasonally. I've suffered from depression for at least a decade, I've admitted it in the past, but it seems to get worse. I can't cope with the financial strain we're under, the kids' needs often leave me feeling overwhelmed with the simplest tasks. I lose my temper at least a few times a day, I often wonder if I was really cut out to be a mom. I question myself constantly and I wonder if the kids can feel secure with me. At the end of the day, I know they do, they know I love them, and they love me back. I can't ask for anything more than the unconditional love we share. I just feel so inadequate and so worthless so much of the time. Man I miss my therapist Dr Lara. We were starting to make progress while I was pregnant with Em, but then I never went back. She helped me feel normal for the first time in a while, but I've back-slid quite a bit.

Here is a letter I wrote to Ellen DeGeneres today that sums up what I've been bottling up for the last year - and probably why I've been so miserable. It's ironic that I was able to be completely honest and transparent with someone that is a total stranger, other than her show coming into my living room and offering a sense of escape for a short time each day. While I've admitted parts to various friends from online groups, I've never come out and said all of it. Now I'm starving and need to eat a snack.

Dear Ellen,

I’m a huge fan and try to watch the show every day. I am always moved seeing your kindness and generosity. This past year was difficult for my family and your show was one of the things that helped me put on a brave face for my two kids.

Last Christmas, my husband was in the hospital and I was snowed in at home with the kids. We didn’t celebrate and it was one of the lowest points in my life. I vowed this Christmas would be better, but my husband was laid off at the end of January and the job he found pays only half of what he had made. We’ve used all our saving to pay rent and are behind on all of our bills. We can no longer afford to stay in our home, but can’t afford the deposits to move somewhere more affordable and closer to my husband’s job, 50 miles away. We’ve had to empty our kids’ piggy banks just so he could buy gas to get to and from work.

Our parents have been generous helping to keep us afloat, but it is embarrassing and unfair to them to continually ask for help each month. I’m grateful that both of our kids are young enough that the true meaning of Christmas is enough, but I am broken hearted that we can’t afford to get any gifts for them. I try to remember that each day I give my love, time and prayers to my family and it’s the best gift I can give.

Thank you for helping me get through my day. It’s the one hour where I can ignore the stress we’re facing and focus on the joy you bring to others.

Gratefully,

Michele

Ick

So I haven't gotten a workout in since Thursday and I feel disgusting. Not only that, but I've eaten over my calories the last two days as well. Of course, now Em is sick, I'm not too far behind and I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before Kyle & Noah will be sick too. Awesome...

Kyle's going in search of some Emergen-C for me later, since I'm desperate to get over this fast. I hate being sick, especially since this time it is derailing me from my goals of being healthy. I guess I shouldn't stress too much, since it isn't as if I'm in a race to lose weight. The importance is that I continually make forward progress.

So if I have the energy, I'll do some light yoga today just to get some fresh blood in my muscles and try to encourage my lungs to stay clear. The headache is starting, so I suppose I should take some Tylenol and start drinking my water. Blech! At least it's Sunday so I have help today. I might just pass out on the couch soon. Em's head is on my leg and I'm reclined on the couch.