Treading water...mostly

So I've been mentally stuck since having Arden. I've meant to exercise, planned to eat better, but it usually ends up lasting a few days here, a day or two there. Nothing solid, concrete or consistent. It's a disappointment to myself. I'm trying to be forgiving, but at the same time, I'm not holding myself accountable and enabling myself to keep quitting isn't helping me be healthier. I need to make some goals - long and short term - and post them and start posting regularly to be accountable and honest.

So in the last couple of months, I've gained 5 lbs, gone up a pant size (or perhaps admitted I actually don't fit in a size 12 well right now), felt more depressed and irritable than ever. It's been a really rough time. I finally admitted after doing some research and soul searching that I am now on the bipolar disorder spectrum. Not full blown BP1, but definitely more than just clinical depression. I'm now on a mood stabilizer medication that feels like it's making things worse - it isn't - I'm just no longer numb to everything. It's really tough to deal with a full range of emotions when you're used to feeling numbingly depressed all the time. Yes, it is great to feel happy and content again, but it really stinks when your 6 yr old can bring you to tears because not only is she being mean, but her words are hitting home and you realize she's right and you can make it into a teachable moment.

I ran (mostly walked) a 5K on Monday to the tune of around 53 minutes. Definitely not a time I'm proud of, but I originally intended to do some slow intervals for 20-30 minutes, so I'll take it. I went far above and beyond where I planned to take it. I've been meaning to do something since, but the lazy bug bit and I've been slacking again. :( I guess once a week is better than 0 times a week...for now. I'm fully expecting things to be a little chaotic until Noah's done with school in a couple of weeks, then we'll only have one kid in school until late June. Hopefully that will allow me to get the two younger ones in a good day-schedule so I can get a good workout in daily. I got the Jillian Michaels Kickboxing DVD and so far I like it. Not too horrible to ease back into working out - not too easy either. Of course, I skipped the weights the first time I tried workout 1. ;)

I will be back to post my goals once I get them outlined and ready to be made public. Ack!!! I have a long ways to go - less than I have previously, but for some reason it feels so much worse this time. I need to stop comparing my journey with friends that have less to lose, are taller, etc.

Tired of feeling fluffy

Where can one find some motivation to exercise? After having Arden, I feel like a fat blob. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I'm stuck at about 12 lbs down from my pre-delivery weight. :o( I don't know if adding in exercise will change it much, since I'm still exclusively breast feeding the baby, but I'm so tired of the saggy belly.

Now that she's pretty much sleeping through the night, I will hopefully find the energy & motivation to get back to regular workouts. In fact, I'm supposed to go to a Zumba class tonight, taught by a friend I met during Noah's preschool class last year. Hopefully I won't die! ;o) I have only done one other workout, and it was about 4-5 weeks ago. I ran/walked about 2.5 miles and felt okay, but tired. Of course, my body seems jacked up between having a baby 10 weeks ago and getting a depo shot a month ago. I guess I'll just power through and hope I make it. :o)

I need to make time to get back to journaling. I haven't done it regularly since October and I think it helped to get my feelings out on paper. I've had a lot of stress lately and it's definitely not helping dealing with the older two kids. I feel like I'm constantly losing my temper and just being generally unpleasant to be around. :o(

We'll see how I feel after tonight's Zumba class and then I can start to plan a flexible workout plan going forward. I need to remind myself that I need to make time for me and schedule them into my day.

9 Down, 10-11 to go

Shots that is.  Today was the 9th shot.  They're not too bad at all anymore.  Thank goodness! :)  The other good news is that after my last ultrasound, I graduated from Maternal Fetal Medicine because the reasons I was referred have not materialized.  Definitely a relief!  I'm hoping that the 17P is working and I can get through the next 11 weeks at least.  I'm due in 14 weeks from yesterday, 11 weeks puts me at 37 weeks and if I went at my previous gestation, I'd be welcoming a baby girl in 8.5 weeks.  Not nearly that ready! ;)

Fighting a cold, contending with both external kids starting school.  My first baby is in kindergarten!  She's adjusting well.  I wish I could say the same for Noah.  His first day was okay - one meltdown.  Monday was okay, but he didn't want to clean up his snack.  Today, meltdown city.  Definitely made me shocked and slightly embarrassed that he behaved so badly.  Hopefully he'll improve as he gets used to be apart from me more and more.  I'm also hopeful that he'll start to enjoy having friends instead of always telling me they make him mad.

Back to working out, mostly

While it's not super frequent, very vigorous, nor very long in duration, I've pulled myself up by my shoelaces and started doing some exercise.  I am working hard to stop feeling sorry for myself and take advantage of the fact I still have maybe 6 more weeks of energy to exercise in a way that is more than just simple walking and stretching.  I'm still tired a lot, but on my walk the other day, Em joined me for most of my mile-ish walk.  It was nice having a little bit of time to exercise together and she rode her bike for the last 1/4 of a mile.

We have another appointment with maternal fetal medicine coming up on Friday, so another ultrasound, and then a chat with the high-risk OB.  Then I have an appt with my regular OB on the Thursday afterward.  Then it's every 2 weeks with the regular OB & one more appt with the high risk dr in September.  So hopefully everything will check out okay (meaning no *activity* with my body) and we can just keep on as normal for the next month.

Definitely feeling the baby kick a lot more - and more definite kicks and jabs versus the rolling movement.  Hoping the kids and Kyle will be able to feel them from the outside soon.  So we still have 13-18.5 weeks left until the baby comes.  The wide window is just in case the progesterone shots don't work and I have this baby in the same time frame as Em & Noah.  Obviously, I'm hoping that it will be closer to 16-18 weeks that I have left.

Stomach bugs and other stuff

Well, there is nothing so sad as to have a horrible stomach bug land you in the ER when you're nearly 20 weeks pregnant.  I was 2 days shy of the cut off to go up to labor & delivery.  *sigh*  Oh well.  At least 2 IV bags, some Zofran and some Bentyl and I was able to go home to sleep - nearly 6 hrs after I came in.  So here I am, 2.5 days later, still sore, still tired & still moderately dehydrated.  At least I've been able to wean myself off the meds and for now am just dealing with angry ab muscles for the intense workout they were given.  I finally started eating regular food around dinner last night - it had been the usual, dry toast, chicken soup, crackers - and so far, so good.

The good news is that baby girl is 100% fine through it all.  Just glad the nurse called to reschedule my injection to Friday, since the last thing I want is to get poked with another needle while I still feel like a zombie.

Speaking of injections, the second one was much better than the first.  It helps to not be completely psyched out by what to expect and to not have a major case of sciatic pain before the injection.  Hopefully as my body gets used to them, I'll notice them less and less.  It did seem to cut back on the intensity of my braxton hicks contractions as well.  So I know the next couple of days will mean more cramping as I have to wait an extra 2 days for the injection.  Joy.

I seem to be having a major crisis of emotions.  I miss my intense, heart-pounding workouts.  I miss the endorphins, the pride of accomplishment, and feeling strong and fit.  I know that my body is doing what it needs to do to help grow a healthy baby, but it's driving me nuts.  Granted, I did squeeze into a pair of size 8 jeans and non-maternity clothes last week, but that mid-pregnancy brain chemical shift is making me see things with such a skewed sense.  I know I should just do what workouts I can and be happy to do something, but it depresses me to get winded walking 2 mph when I was doing great running 5-7 mph just 4 months ago.  Wow, it was only 4 months since I ran my 5K?  It feels like a lifetime ago.  Honestly, I've only gained 10-12 lbs and at 20 weeks, it's not too bad of a weight gain.  Most of it is securely attached to my baby belly and chest and not elsewhere, but just seeing hard-toned muscles get soft again makes me sad.

It's annoying to be throwing myself a pity party about it, but I went into this pregnancy thinking it would be different.  Well, it is, but in the opposite way I thought.  I've been sicker, more tired, more sullen and more withdrawn.  I'm definitely not one of those women who thrives on being pregnant.  I'm still learning to not begrudge them of their good fortune, just praying my girls will be more like them and less like me. ;)

Oh yeah, I didn't mention we're having another girl, did I?  We don't have a name picked out yet, but we're getting close.  2 more weeks and we'll get another sneak peek at her when we trek back to Olympia for another MFM check.  Hopefully things will still be calm down there and I won't have a date with a needle to close things up until my shots are done.  I have nothing against the procedure, just mostly against having to have a needle anywhere near my spine after the debacle with my epidural having Noah.  Spinal headaches are NOT my friend.

My tummy's rumbling, so I should be off to find something to eat.  At least I'm hungry, right?

My first date with 17P injection

Today, at 17w6d, I had my first injection of 17P (it has a long scientific name, but it's a progesterone compound in Castor oil).  Ow!  It was a relatively painful injection, mostly because it is thick and takes a while to fully inject in the muscle tissue.  Of course, the burning subsided not too long after the injection, so imagine my surprise as about 30 minutes later, while making the kids dinner, it started majorly hurting.  In fact, I reheated the heating pad and strapped it on while in the kitchen.  Yowza!  And I still have 19 more injections to go until I'm done! :oO
My mid-back has been pretty sore lately and I'm definitely getting the the first level of discomfort, not to be confused with the all-encompassing, massive discomfort to come as I run out of room and end up as large as a house.
Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks, meaning it's that magical time at my next ultrasound (Friday!) that I find out whether I am baking a little boy or a little girl.  I also get to find out if my body is working with or against me and if I need further intervention to keep baking the baby to full term.  I'm oddly very calm about finding out the gender.
Perhaps it is having one of each already that makes it seem slightly anti-climactic, but the "planning" side of me needs to know.  We got rid of almost all of our baby stuff - we have a crib, the matching changing table and the double jogging stroller, and that is it.  The smallest clothes I think are 18-24 mos in boys and 3T in girls.  Um, yeah...not super prepared here.  It's funny that after 4 years, it feels slightly like starting over again.  It will be so weird to have tiny clothes, tiny diapers, and all the wonderful things that will fill up our house yet again.
So I suppose I'll be back to post this weekend and give the gender verdict.  Until then, I'll be hanging with my new BFF - my heat pad. :)

Let the poking begin...almost

I will be 16 weeks tomorrow, which is that "magical" number.  I start weekly progesterone shots (17P - progesterone in oil) in the next week.  I'm waiting on a call from a nurse to set up the schedule, but hopefully we can get it all sorted out.  I'm not looking forward to these injections, but if that means this baby comes out AFTER 36 weeks, I will be a happy camper.  Granted, the size they were, it might mean for a much bigger baby come L&D time, but I think I can handle it.  Oh yeah, did I mention unless I have to have a c section, I'm absolutely skipping the epidural this time?  After the spinal headache from my epi with Noah, I'd rather just have the pain.  I'll just have to discuss post delivery pain management before hand, that was where I struggled with Em.
I've been trying to workout a couple of times a week, well, I intended to do more, but either headaches, nausea or laziness got the better of me. ;)  I'm just determined to be the strongest I can be during this pregnancy.  I mean, hitting the ground running with workouts once I get the all clear would be awesome.  It honestly has more to do with mental well-being and just a general feeling of wellness rather than trying to lose baby weight.  I really miss running and how great I would feel after a good run.  It kills me that I get exhausted just walking a mile (in 1 flipping hour) on the treadmill.  My weights routine yesterday killed and it wasn't nearly as hard as I used to do.  Man!  Talk about feeling out of shape.  But the round of braxton hicks contractions after I was done reminded me why I'm taking it slower.  We'll see if the 17P injections help to keep the BHs at bay more than with Noah.
Well, since I got woken up early from a phone call, I am going to take a little nap.  I need to shake this headache before it's time to take the kids to summer camp!