Simple steps

This is the first step in reclaiming the woman inside the mommy & wife. I've decided to begin chronicling my weight loss journey and self-discovery in this blog, and leave the other one for family and that sort of thing. This one is also going to be public, since I think transparency & accountability are critical at this point in my life. Besides, the main reason the other blog is private is to protect the privacy of my children. :o)

So, I will be going back and transferring my diet/exercise blogs over here and going forward will spend more time on this blog and putting pictures of the kids and their stories on the other one.

Boo-yah!

I'm having a good day, despite being really tired. Weigh in was good, back to what I was 2 weeks ago, plus a little less. :o) I was up last week, and today I was 162.4, so .4 down from my initial challenge weigh in. What that in and of itself isn't all that impressive, I've lost a lot of inches in 2 weeks. I've lost 8.625 inches in 2 weeks! The biggest change is in my chest measurement, but I have lost nearly an inch in each my waist, hips and baby pooch. I've also lost an inch in each thigh. Definitely makes me happy that, while the scale is slow in moving, I'm making a lot of lean muscle and burning some fat.

I'm not trying to stay within my target calorie range each day. I am waiting for that level of dedication simply because I'm still nursing Noah. Once that is over with, it's "game on." I know my body will be more willing to shed weight once I no longer need the calories to make milk. At least I'm building a lot of lean muscle mass to help kick up my metabolism for the not too distant future. I mean, Noah will be 10 months in just 5 days, so that means I'm only about 2 months until he's on cow milk & solids. While I will miss the bond of nursing him, I'm really excited to have my body back in its entirety. I've always joked that between being pregnant & nursing, I've only had ownership of my body for 2 weeks in the last 3 years. That's pretty sad!

I've come up with some great goals for next summer. Noah will be 1.5 & walking, so I plan to take the kids to the grassy field not too far from our house to just run around and play. Of course, if we've moved, I'll have to find another area to play, but I plan on having it be much more active. I just hope that by next summer Em will be 100% potty trained, since she'll be 3. Yikes! I can't believe she'll be that old!!!

Sounds like I have an upset boy that wants out of his crib, so I better run! Still have to get my yoga in too. Had to wait longer because I was taking my time finishing my coffee. :o)

Productivity!!

I felt very accomplished today. I got the laundry finished between yesterday afternoon and today. Fresh sheets on the bed, clean carpets (though I do need to try and get all the stains up!), and got in a good workout. Em tried to join in during the pilates, which was amusing.

Tomorrow is my last day before weigh in, so I plan to really work hard on cardio to try and get every last ounce I can off.

I'm hungry

I have eaten over my calorie range for the day, but feel really hungry. I think tomorrow will be better when I'm eating less of my daily calories at breakfast. ;o) I'm really feeling fit and I think perhaps it's forgetting to take my vitamin D that makes me feel like I haven't eaten much today.

Time to catch up on the DVR and find something sweet to nibble on. I'm curious to see what the measurements show on Wednesday, as well as the scale. Hopefully both numbers are lower!

Stick to the plan

So I went over on my calories today. Not too surprising. However, I did do twice the workout I had intended. Besides, since I'm still feeding Noah, I do need to make sure I don't send my body into starvation/deprivation mode. But now that I've made it through Friday, the tough part is approaching. The weekend. This is where I derailed last week. I am resolved to track my food, no matter how good/bad I eat. I resolve to exercise as well.

I am starting to feel more results (tighter waist, , looser ring, definition in my calves) and I want to continue to see more. I mean, I have a closet full of adorable clothes that I haven't had on in over 3 years! It's just amusing because even though I'm not really down on the scale, and haven't lost all that many inches, I just feel skinny today. Perhaps it's the altering of my brain chemistry.

Em is having fun "working out" with me. She always says, "I watch mama exercise." She truly doesn't watch a ton, but is trying to do things and I have to be on my toes to make sure I don't step on, punch, kick, or otherwise run into her while I work out. I'm trying to figure out what kinds of workouts I can do with her. I mean, how awesome would it be to get Em enjoying exercise as a kid so that she doesn't have to go through the mind games like I did.

Anyhow, Hell's Kitchen is playing on the DVR and I'm going to log off, drink my water and relax.

I'm an addict

Well, at least I'm starting to become addicted to working out. Go figure. I sort of got like this before I got pregnant with both Emily and Noah. Hopefully that doesn't mean #3 will magically appear anytime in the near (or distant) future. LOL I mean, while we don't intentionally plan to have anymore kids, if it's God's will, that is completely a different matter.

Anyway, I did Crunch: Super SlimDown Pilates Yoga Blend. It was nice. The most challenging thing aside from the raised leg lift section was trying to do it while Em was running around and trying to climb on me. She kept saying she wanted to watch me exercise, so I indulged her. LOL Perhaps not again. I'll have to find a mommy/toddler workout. I think Parents has one, I have the mommy/baby one that I never do. It's tough to try and work it all out. Noah had activity table time while I worked out, but I'm sure that the seat will only work for a few more months before he outgrows it.

I am really happy that I seem to be falling back into the food tracking, working out, water drinking habits. I guess they really were well ingrained from my previous forays into weight loss. I know there will be times things get thrown for a loop with my schedule, but I'm trying not to let that interfere with things. The important thing is that I maintain a healthy lifestyle, not just rush to lose a bunch of weight quickly and revert back to eating mindlessly.

Well, Em is asking me to do Wii Fit, so I better get off the computer and do some more exercise. ;o)

What's stronger than coffee?

I think I might need some! I'm so sleepy! My latte did nothing to make a dent in my fatigue. Doesn't help I went to bed around 11 and then woke up at 3 & 6:15 to feed Noah. So in honor of being so unbelievably tired, I'm doing some yoga today. I haven't decided which one to do yet, but I need something to help me stretch out those sore, tight muscles and just relax me. Perhaps I can catch a small nap too! That would be really nice. :o)

Wagons-ho!

Alright. Day 1 back on the wagon, complete! Yay!!! It really boosted my confidence to get my workout in, drink a ton of water & track my food. The first day always is the hardest, especially when you spend 3 days throwing cares to the wayside.

Weigh in is in the morning and I know I'll be up, but mostly because I was so crazy for 3 days and because I don't know how in the world I had gotten so low. I was up to 166 this morning, so I'm not holding my breath that I'll have any less than a 2 lb gain. Oh well. Better luck next week. I'll be back tomorrow to update on weight & measurements. I know they say to do measurements monthly, but I really need to see some progress somewhere. ;o)

Where do I buy a ticket back on the wagon?

So I took the weekend off from diet & exercise. Originally, I intended to be good and get back on track yesterday, but I just didn't.

This morning, I woke up resolved to get back on the wagon, but alas...it appears to have left without me. ;o) The kids' naps didn't coordinate so I could get my good nap time workout in. It doesn't help that Em was up before 7 this morning and I haven't had more than 5 minutes to myself. While I may be on the computer, I always have my eyes on one of the kids. I'm exhausted and unmotivated. My weigh in is Wednesday morning, so I need to step it up, but I just find myself apathetic to it.

Hopefully I can dig in and stick to a plan tomorrow. It's ridiculous that I so easily chucked the hard work I put in last week because of what was originally only one "break" day. Clearly, I'm not ready to take a day off yet. It's hard fighting the bad habits that are currently just under the surface. At least I'm not sore anymore, so I can't use that as an excuse. ;o) Also, I'm just about down to a size 10 from 12. I was trying to force it before - stupid birthing hips! There's still a little muffin top, but definitely not too terrible. I have come to realize that the baby belly is going to be by far the hardest thing to get rid of.

I plan to get up early and work out, but it depends a lot on if the kids cooperate and sleep well and don't get up at 6:30 again. At least the clean kitchen will help keep me focused better with eating. Time for some water & a little Leno.

Saturday = Slacker day

So let's see, did I work out today? No. Did I track my eating today? No. Did I eat healthfully? Not even close. Am I going to beat myself up about it? No. :o)

I'm sore, tired and the rainy, gray day put my motivation and mood in a temporary stall-out. I am planning to get back to it tomorrow, just wanted to relax and cut myself some slack today. I did heat my back for a while today because it was super stiff. Definitely felt how out of shape I am right now!

Anyhow, I'm going to relax and try to get to bed early. Kyle and I were up late watching Watchmen last night and he has to work tonight...for who knows how long. Poor guy!

Also, please say a prayer that Kyle's grandpa will recovery quickly and smoothly from his hip surgery!

Billy Blanks...I hate you!

Oh good grief! That is totally what I get for being overzealous and doing an advanced workout! I am exhausted and sore, but I also was dripping a ton of sweat, drank a ton of water and know that the results will be worth the pain! I did have to walk through some stuff and/or pause and rewind so I didn't miss much while I drank some water and caught my breath a bit.

These poor mommy abs just really, really, REALLY are out of shape! The upper ones aren't too bad, but the lower ones were screaming early on. I guess I know I need to start working on reverse crunches and oblique stuff. I think this workout will be shelved until I've gotten a bit more tone back in my core as well. My kicks were flopping around all over the place because the pace was so fast. But instead of giving up, I pushed through and lasted all 45 minutes (which took closer to 50 minutes with the pausing).

Kids are up, so I gotta run. Wish I could get a shower in first, but such is life!

A Date with Billy

Blanks that is. :o) I am about to get Em down for her nap, meaning it's about time to start my daily afternoon workout. Today I'm finally getting the guts up to do some Tae Bo. Specifically, it's the Tae Bo II: Get Ripped Advanced 1 workout that I will be doing. I think I'll be a puddle of goo after those 45 minutes, but it will be worth it.

I'm already starting to see results. Yes, that's right, after only 2 days of workouts and eating well, I said I'm seeing results. The main results are that I have more energy, my moods have been more stable, and my appetite isn't raging out of control. However, I do notice that when I left my leg, my extra skin & fat sag down and I can see the thinner legs that will soon be all that is left!

Alright, time to get Em to bed and sweat with Billy & his crew.

Thursdays are great!

Today was the first day of MOPs. I've heard a few girlfriends from one of my mommy boards raving about their MOPs groups, so I decided to join one locally. It meets in the Cascade Covenant Church, which is on our list of churches to visit. I do have to add that while we have a list, we haven't been doing any visiting. ;o) I know, bad!!! So if Kyle has the weekend off, we will probably go to a service.

I enjoyed the group of moms that were at my table. I think it's an awesome experience to share in their lives as well as to have a fantastic mentor mom who's been there, done that, and their grandkids are our kids' age. I kept waiting to see if my pager would go off saying Noah needed me, or if the runner would come tell me Em needed me, but nothing. I was able to sit, enjoy my breakfast, my 2 cups of coffee, great company, and a nice, relaxing couple of hours.

When I picked the kids up, Noah was doing pretty well still, but Em, was just bubbly, happy and very excited about "play school." (Kyle & I started calling it that so that she'd want to be like Caillou and go.) She was so good for me today. I couldn't believe it! I think we had one tiff before we left, and one before she had her nap, but otherwise, pretty fantastic for a 2 year old!

Unfortunately, we missed watching the Office & Fringe tonight because between Em telling us she had to go potty every 5 minutes (well, about 10 minutes after each previous attempt ended), getting Noah to bed, Kyle working...well, we just didn't get to it. At least we have the weekend to watch via DVR. Sadly, Kyle has to work a ton tomorrow night too. He's been working so much lately! I am just praying that he can get 2 days off this weekend! Seriously miffed that tomorrow is the 12th day in a row that he's at work. Normally I wouldn't be overly upset about it, except that 1) he's salaried, so he's essentially working for free, and 2) he's working pretty much 70% of the time he is home (and not asleep). I think this must have been how he felt when I was working at Expedia, but at least I was making bank in overtime pay! So if you think of it, please pray for a slight decrease in workload, or better yet, something that pays better and is closer to our current home. It would be awesome to have his commute cut by about half and not worry so much about how we'll make ends meet. I understand that we are growing in our faith exponentially, but it would be nice to have a breather every now and again.

In the scheme of things, I know this will just be a blip in our lives and we'll look back and marvel at how God helped us through this. There are many other tests and trials we could be facing with regard to building faith and relying on God as the only source of solace. I have several friends who have many more challenging situations they are working through at this very minute, so I don't even begin to claim this is the same, nor as difficult. It's simply a storm that will pass when God deems it time. Of course, this all goes back to my prayer for patience when I was about 13. I'm still extremely impatient 16 years later. ;o) I do notice I'm learning with each "growing opportunity" that there is a little bit more in the well each time.

Tomorrow I've decided that unless I'm super sore, I'll do Tae Bo. I'll save Jillian for another day. Besides, I also have my Walk Away the Pounds I could do (though I can't stand listening to Leslie Sansone talk), or heaven forbid the Carmen Electra workouts... It's sad, that even re-starting, I feel like the less intense workouts just don't do anything. Take for example, my workout today. It wasn't really super intense or that difficult, but I was dripping sweat pretty quickly into it. I'm definitely beginning to feel some stiffness in my muscles too, but it's the good pain. Well, all but in my lower back. That is definitely not fun. It's been stiff for a while, so hopefully doing some kick boxing will help get fresh blood in and loosen up the muscles.

Time to finish logging my water for the night and get some sleep.

Lightening up

So honestly, the title is a tongue in cheek reminder to not be so hard on myself while working on losing weight. :o)

I am really proud of how well I am doing tracking my food and know that paring down and eating better will be a slowly evolving habit. Plus, I was out this morning and there wasn't a ton of healthy options for breakfast. However, the point wasn't necessarily to eat low in calories, but to enjoy the company of other MOPs moms. ;o)

I went over my calorie range by around 500 calories yesterday, and today will probably still go over, but not by nearly as much. I have a plan in place to get through dinner. Instead of having the meaty pizza, I'm having one slice of Em's pineapple & olive pizza and a Boca burger instead. I have the mushroom mozzarella ones and they are awesome! I usually cut one up and put it on a salad with some italian dressing. In fact, I think I may just cut a slice of pizza in half instead of eating a whole one, since I did eat my salad around 4pm. That will help keep me under the max I think. :o) That is also including a small slice of apple pie. Love the moderation eating! (sorry that I'm updating my food tracker while I'm blogging!)

I also did get another workout in today. It was a slightly hectic morning this morning, and I knew I wouldn't get a workout in before going to MOPs. I was worried I wouldn't be alert enough to do one during Em's nap, but by God's grace, I had energy. I think that MOPs will be a HUGE boost to my morale and mood during the end of the week slump. So I tried a new Crunch workout (Thank you Netflix & Xbox 360 streaming!!!). This time, it was the Total Resculpt. It's split into lower & upper body. Let me tell you, my poor legs were hating me barely into it. My upper body wasn't all the bad, though my shoulders did get a tiny bit sore toward the end. Sad, I was only using 2-2.5 lbs weights. Just think of what will happen when I bring in my 3 & 5 lbs weights. I guess my lower body has been wasting away while the upper body is getting a workout from lifting/carrying a 20 lb little boy and a 29 lb little girl! Either way, I really enjoyed the instructor. He was so positive and encouraging!

Tomorrow is cardio. I have three options I am mulling over. Tae Bo, FIRM Cardio Dance, or Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I think it will depend on how sore I am tomorrow. If I'm really sore, I'll do the dance, but I'd prefer to do one of the other two I think. I think I do have another cardio FIRM dvd, so maybe I will do that one. It's really tough though, with tons of plyometric jump stuff. I will probably put the step based FIRM stuff back into rotation once I drop back down into the low-150's.

Wow! I talk a lot! ;o) I'll post the MOPs stuff in a separate blog.

Back on track!

I am so proud of myself! I squeezed in a 45 minute dance workout while Em napped. I did have to stop for a few minutes while I answered a call from my MOPs group leader, but I had fun grooving and looking like a dork by myself. I'm having a tough time deciding what to do for dinner. I'm determined to not derail myself tonight. Granted, I do need to stay at the top of my range, if not a tiny bit over since I'm still feeding Noah, but definitely not as much as I had been eating.

I'm also starting to get nervous about the MOPs meeting tomorrow. It's like the first day of school type nervousness. My small group leader sounded nice on the phone, but it's so hard for me to make new friends. I'm also nervous about how the kids will do and if they will make friends. I think because they've never been in daycare, the feelings are magnified because I haven't really exposed them to this type of situation before. Wish all 3 of us luck!

I'm going to try and figure out what to do for dinner. That's going to probably drive me to the brink of insanity, as I am feeling insanely hungry right now. Oh well. I just need to tough it out! :o)

I flunk!

So, who hit the snooze button 6 times this morning? Oh, that would be me! And, to add insult to injury, as I laid in bed trying to will myself out of it, Em woke up. So my workout before computer is failed today.

On a positive note, I did remember to measure out my breakfast and will be logging in my sparkpeople account in just a minute. Just had to come do my daily confession! Time to move on and force myself to workout during the kids' nap.

Now to chug some water to get rid of these confounded hiccups! :)

Being contemplative

I've been thinking a lot lately. I seem to do that a lot, but I've been trying to pick my brain about life and figure out what is/isn't making me happy. I seem to be grouchy and tired quite frequently and I want to get to the root of the problem and solve it. There are the physical things - low vitamin D, mild hypothyroidism, mild PCOS - then there is the clinical depression and I think seasonal depression is also around the corner.

I have a hard time not beating myself up over this, that, or the other regarding my parenting. I feel like I set myself for disappointment because I have this "ideal" that is impossible to achieve. I know that Em & Noah are well cared for and loved, but I can't shake this feeling there is something I'm doing wrong. I know that all parents feel this way, but the difficulty is in letting go of the need to be perfect. I remember watching an episode of Super Nanny a few months ago where the mom had perfectionist tendencies and it really messed up her daughter. I don't want to do that. I want to let Em learn and make mistakes on her own. I know I used to get so angry with my mom for always hovering and always butting in and not letting me make mistakes. Of course, on the other side, was a parent that was always looking over my shoulder waiting for me to make a mistake. It's such a fine line developing a good sense of trust and avoiding gullibility or mistrust.

There is also the fact that I am turning 30 in less than 5 months. It hasn't really bothered me up to this point, but I always get disappointed with birthday letdown. I'm hoping that I can really just focus on the positives and set some good goals for 1, 5, & 10 years out. There is a weight loss goal to achieve, teaching Em & Noah manners and helping them build a foundation for a full and happy life. I'm sure there are a million other things I could put down, but for me, I think hand writing a list will be more effective.

So, with regard to the weight loss challenge I am taking part in. It is with my M&M's Motivated Moms group on sparkpeople.com. We have a different daily challenge, with weekly weigh ins on Wednesday morning, after Biggest Loser airs. We had our initial weigh in this morning, and I was 162.8. that puts me at 9 lbs down from the beginning of January and about 4-5 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight with Noah. From there, I still have an additional 13 lbs to reach pre-pregnancy weight with Emily. Then, to hit my goal weight of 115, I have 30 more lbs to go. So I think for now, I'll try and reach my total pre-pregnancy weight by the end of the challenge. You would think 13 lbs in at least 16 weeks wouldn't be so tough, but with two little ones around to disrupt workout plans, and my knack for ending up low on the totem pole of receiving (from myself) care, anything after that 13 lbs is gravy!

I think I was roughly around 169-171 when I went to the dr in June dealing with mono and stuff. I'm way overdue for my follow up, but without much improvement during most of the summer, I didn't want to go back with nothing positive to show for the time that had passed. Plus, I've been bad about remembering to take my meds and vitamin D throughout the months. I know I need to schedule it and get the blood work done, but I just feel so ashamed of how I've been eating. Donuts, cake, brownies, cookies, ice cream, chicken nuggets, french fries...yeah, definitely NOT good for my already high cholesterol & triglyceride levels. So, I will try and work really hard, schedule my follow up, go over my plans with the dr. and then go from there. I also need to get my cardio work up done, as I haven't done that either. It's just really hard to get away on a Thursday when I don't have a babysitter, I have MOPs in the mornings and Kyle's mom usually has something going on and can't come up to visit either. The dizzy spells have pretty much stopped. I think I've had about 10 in the last month, which is a major improvement from 80% of the time I got up while I had mono.

So my goal is to get up and workout first thing in the morning. I know it HAS to happen then, or I will make every excuse to skip it the rest of the day. Bad habits die hard. I am resolving to workout in the morning, no computer until after the workout is complete, and to track all of my food, including bites, licks and tastes of food. I will get to my goal weight, and I know as soon as I wean Noah, the weight will start coming off easier, but I will stop making excuses for why it hasn't happened. Those two little angels asleep upstairs deserve to have a mom that values herself and takes good care of her body and mind.

My goals for tomorrow:

1. Track my food intake - regardless if I stay within my calorie range.
2. Drink at least 80 oz of water, more is better.
3. Exercise first thing in the morning for at least 30 minutes, but 60 is better.
4. Be aware of bad habits creeping in - i.e. not drinking enough water, being lazy, not eating proper meals...
5. Return to blog again and post new goals for Thursday.

I'm fighting mad...at myself...

So I was realizing last night that I've been letting valuable weeks go by not working out. Truthfully, I started this post several days ago, but the kids have kept me busy and we gave potty training a try, so I've been distracted once again.

Today, I dug out a bunch of workout dvds and videos while looking for Anchorman for Jen. I plan to start making rotations of the workouts and getting to bed early and getting up early. I figure, I have 2 months until my girls weekend out in Vegas, so I should really get serious about getting in better shape. It doesn't really help all that much that I dug out old photos of myself and saw how thin I used to be. I thought I was fat at the time, but I'd love to be that size again. Granted, I was in the same size clothing right before I got pregnant with Emily, but somehow was about 30 lbs heavier. I can't even imagine what I will look like at my goal weight.

I have to figure out where to set up the little tv with the vcr so I can do my vhs workouts. Plus, then I can bring in my Disney tapes to let Em watch.

Kyle had to work all weekend, so I was down for a good chunk, but we had a great bbq yesterday with Jen & our friend Dan. It's funny that since we've moved, we've rarely had anyone over. We've had family over, obviously, but other than Sammy coming over for camp planning and I think Tim, we hadn't really had anyone visit. Granted, it's been a pretty crazy year and I am praying that 2010 is 100% better than this year.

I'm very excited that I got into the local MOPs group and start going next week. I am so desperate for adult contact. I think it's funny that I've gotten so shy about making new friends. I can only hope that Emily will make friends with the other kids and we'll start having play dates and I can start making other mommy friends. I'm sure Kyle would enjoy me having my crazy girl talk with women and having shopping friends rather than insisting he come with me. :o)

I am starting a challenge on my mom's board on sparkpeople.com. It's running concurrently with the Biggest Loser: Second Chances (Season 8) starting this Tuesday. So, I definitely need to start meal planning and measuring serving sizes and tracking calories again. I am giving myself 4 or 5 months and if I don't see results, I'm going to ask Kyle to let me rejoin Weight Watchers. I always had great success on the program, and I know it works, so it's my fall back if I really can't do it "on my own".

I will post my challenge start weight & stats and progress to keep myself honest. :o) Wish me luck and send some extra consistency my way.