Relationships

As I was mentioning on my previous post, I miss Kyle. I miss the relationship we had before we had kids, more over, I miss the relationship we had before we thought about having kids. I miss laughing all the time, not being stressed over money or our jobs (well, not to this degree anyway), or fighting about anything other than my indecision over dinner.

It seems increasingly difficult to carve out time for just the two of us. It seems like it's always 2+2. I was talking to my mom on the phone and said I could count on one hand how many dates Kyle & I have been on since we had Emily almost 3 years ago...3 or 4, 5 at most. 5?!? In almost 3 years?!? That is so not good. Yeah, we have plenty of time together, with the kids, or with the kids napping, or the kids interrupting. And any time we're at home and the kids are napping or asleep for the night, we're usually on the computer or watching tv and not spending time engaging in each other.

We're both at fault for that, and sadly, with most of my friends being through various online support groups (well, social boards of mommy groups), I spend a lot of time online and usually the only time I can really put much effort into catching up is after the kids are asleep. Otherwise, things like farming and mafia wars can happen where I have one eye on the computer and one eye on the kids. Kyle uses the time he's online after work to decompress and catch up on the things he can't do online while at work. So clearly, we have to work on finding a balance. Of course, as soon as the computers go away, out pop our iPhones. LOL

I've been working on unplugging Em a bit, as I've used nickjr.com & sproutonline.com as major crutches while I've been sick. I like that she was learning things from the games and was learning to use the laptop with some skill - as much as you can expect from a 2.5 yr old. :o) Anyway, she's been so prone to temper tantrums and lashing out that I finally pulled the plug, so to speak, on her computer use. On Tuesday, I had the last straw and she lost the use of the computer through Friday (tomorrow). Since then, her behavior has made a drastic improvement. The only tantrums were about going to bed, and those were fairly short lived. So, I see now that I need to determine the best course to allow her a small window of computer usage, but not have the end of the window result in a major meltdown.

The other thing that I realize is that I need to start working on detaching myself from the computer a bit more. I guess it's sad that it's taken me over 2 years to realize that while spending 8 hours (or more) in front of a computer when it is your job is acceptable, it isn't so much when you are at home and there are other pressing matters. So, here it is. My name is Michele and I'm a technology addict. ;o) Ironic as I'm blogging, but anyway. I am going to try harder to spend less time on the computer and my phone and more time doing the normal "good mommy" things - cleaning, reading, playing, going out and about with the kids.

The catch is that I also have to balance that with reality. I have 2 kids with somewhat different nap schedules, I like to stick with the schedule as much as possible to maintain happy kids. I also suffer from pretty severe (at times) depression and with being tired a lot lately and the fall/winter season being upon us, lacks in motivation a great deal of the time. Hence, why it's easier to park myself on the couch or a comfy chair and for the day to slip away. The other issue is that with our budget being super tight, there isn't a lot of outings that I can think of that don't cost anything - including gas to get to/from said activity. Sadly, most weeks, I dread MOPs simply for having to get both kids in/out of the car going to/from the church. I enjoy myself while I'm there, but initially, it's all I can do to pry myself out of bed and get in the shower and act like a normal human being.

If I can't get this sleep thing down soon, I think I'm going to have to ask about some Ambien to take at least on Sunday night so that I wake up Monday morning without feeling like I'm facing the apocalypse because Em's mad Kyle's at work and I'm not up to dealing with the kids' and their demands. Perhaps I'm disappointed that I'm not super cheery and happy like some moms that I have seen. Or that I am setting too high of a standard for myself, or that I've become pretty sarcastic and bitter at no longer being the only thing I need to worry about.

However, if I look back at the last year or three, I realize that I score pretty darn near certifiable on the stress surveys. I've had two children, quit my job, Kyle's been through a layoff, pay cut, he was in the hospital sick, we lost a pet, a grandparent, we've moved, other family drama. I mean, for all that has gone on, I really am not doing too badly. And honestly, I don't resent the kids, it's just disliking all the responsibility. ;o) Part of it is reading what others are doing that are in a different season in their life and being jealous about some of the freedoms they have without kids or marriage. Of course, on the flip side, I know there are friends that would love to be in my shoes.

So my goal for 2010 is to begin to cultivate and nurture relationships more. I really need tangible friends, not just ones that live in my computer. I need mommy friends with kids that Em & Noah can play with regularly. I need to reconnect with Kyle and rediscover the spark that brought us together in the first place. I need to rely on my family to watch the kids more so that I don't burn myself out. I need to make sure that above all, I strengthen my relationship with God and that His love is poured out through me to Kyle, Em & Noah, my family, my friends and even those I don't know. I know that on the days I think I don't have it in me, He will step in and give on my behalf. I simply need to ask and to trust.

On that note, I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow will be here before I know it (technically, it is here) and I want to make it a great Friday. Christmas crafts with Em, snuggles and playtime with Noah. Maybe some exercise time for me, getting laundry done, perhaps even Christmas cookies with Em. Uh oh. I think I hear Em talking about cake in her sleep. Better stop typing and be done.

Bugs, germs and the like

So let's see, today is Thursday, 12/17. The last time I donned my workout clothes and worked out...Tuesday, 12/1. UGH! I was busy with getting the house ready for Noah's party and stressed over finances, so the 2-6 were a wash. Within hours of our guests leaving, I began feeling sick. So the 7-14, I couldn't breathe well at all. Stuffy head, runny nose, swollen sinuses, coughing, headache...such fun. Then the 15-17, well, I was working on our Christmas card, tired and a bit dizzy still. Yesterday, I was so exhausted that I was constantly falling asleep. In fact, the phrase I heard most often was, "Momma wake up." LOL Today, I had MOPs, and while I had hoped to catch a few winks while the kids were napping, I got the wrapping papers & bows out of the garage as well as some of our Graco items that I need to clean up and get pics of to put on craigslist.

So the recap: stressed/busy, sick, busy. I've wanted to workout, but honestly, just thinking about going upstairs to get my clothes on was exhausting. I had hoped I'd be able to do something today, but I'm already yawning, so that doesn't bode well for my stamina. Maybe tomorrow. I'm doing laundry tomorrow, so that should keep me moving. Of course, I'm also hoping payday ends up being tomorrow instead of Monday so I can pick up our Christmas cards and hopefully get them all in the mail on Monday. It would be nice if they weren't all super late.

I better get Noah a fresh diaper, get him playing and then get to cleaning up the stuff. Blah. Some days I really hate having to be responsible and doing stuff. Well, really, that is most days, but I've been struggling with motivation a lot. I'm really praying that this can be the last tough holiday season for us. Last year it was health and being home challenges, this year, it's financial struggles. I figure, we'll probably be in a different home by June, if not before, so that should help significantly. Of course, we'd love for Kyle to find a better paying and closer job so we could stay here longer, but I think God is calling us somewhere else. So we'll probably move closer to T-town, much to my chagrin. ;o) I didn't mind living there all that much, mostly just having to go to classes. Besides, it would be fun to take the kids for walks, etc. along the water front during the summer months. And also, means, easier access to the grandparents and even Aunt Melody & Uncle Bob for babysitting. I mean, being able to have maybe biweekly date nights would be such a welcome change. I miss my husband terribly!!!

I think that is inspiring another post, but that will have to wait. I'll try to come back tonight and go on about that, but most likely that will happen tomorrow or sometime into next week. :o)

How many calories...

do you burn rolling your eyes at the fact the minute I get a good routine started, I get sick, then stop. My cold (relatively minor right now) has me sidelined as I try to let my body rest so I can finally be totally healthy - and because my nose hurts every time I inhale. I'm frustrated, especially since I've eaten way too much over the weekend and am up a lot right now. UGH!

Just wanted to vent. Hopefully I can do something. I just can feel it trying to move into my chest, so trying to avoid that as much as I can.

Waffles and fessing up

This post initially was just titled Waffles and was going to be a light hearted post about the fact some weeks I'm awesome with working out, others, not so much. Instead, here goes nothing...

I am struggling. A LOT. Financially we're way over extended, emotionally, I'm tapped dry, physically, well, other than being hungry, but not wanting to eat (mostly for fear of binging & having not much to eat), I'm doing okay. Honestly though, I am scared, broken hearted and depressed.

I'm scared because we can't afford to live in our house, but we have 6 months left on our lease and can't afford to pay 1st/last/deposit to move anyway. I'm scared because we have bills to pay, but no money to do so because we've spent every last dime we've saved/put away for retirement to keep the roof over our heads. I'm scared because I don't like what the stress has done to me and my relationship with my kids. I love them to pieces, but I've been Madam grumpy pants all week. I feel guilty that I don't get a job to help Kyle financially, but then feel guilty because I like being home with the kids and working full time doesn't help us when day care for both kids full time is probably as much, if not more than I'd be earning, making it completely worthless. I also am scared to put myself out there. I hated part time jobs growing up, but really should consider it. The catch is that Kyle is often not home until 6pm, leaving little time in the evenings to work, and I don't want to give up my weekends with him & the kids together to work and bring hardly any money in.

I'm broken hearted because Noah turns 1 tomorrow and we have no gifts to give him. I can try to rush through and finish his baby blanket that I started before he was born, but still. I am broken hearted because there won't be any gifts under the tree for the kids for Christmas. At least not ones we paid for. I am broken hearted that I've left a rift grow in my relationship with Kyle. Thankfully, it isn't too bad, but we're both hurting a lot and I've put a lot of distance between us because I was too proud to admit to him how scared I am of everything.

I'm depressed. Yes, clinically, post partum, and seasonally. I've suffered from depression for at least a decade, I've admitted it in the past, but it seems to get worse. I can't cope with the financial strain we're under, the kids' needs often leave me feeling overwhelmed with the simplest tasks. I lose my temper at least a few times a day, I often wonder if I was really cut out to be a mom. I question myself constantly and I wonder if the kids can feel secure with me. At the end of the day, I know they do, they know I love them, and they love me back. I can't ask for anything more than the unconditional love we share. I just feel so inadequate and so worthless so much of the time. Man I miss my therapist Dr Lara. We were starting to make progress while I was pregnant with Em, but then I never went back. She helped me feel normal for the first time in a while, but I've back-slid quite a bit.

Here is a letter I wrote to Ellen DeGeneres today that sums up what I've been bottling up for the last year - and probably why I've been so miserable. It's ironic that I was able to be completely honest and transparent with someone that is a total stranger, other than her show coming into my living room and offering a sense of escape for a short time each day. While I've admitted parts to various friends from online groups, I've never come out and said all of it. Now I'm starving and need to eat a snack.

Dear Ellen,

I’m a huge fan and try to watch the show every day. I am always moved seeing your kindness and generosity. This past year was difficult for my family and your show was one of the things that helped me put on a brave face for my two kids.

Last Christmas, my husband was in the hospital and I was snowed in at home with the kids. We didn’t celebrate and it was one of the lowest points in my life. I vowed this Christmas would be better, but my husband was laid off at the end of January and the job he found pays only half of what he had made. We’ve used all our saving to pay rent and are behind on all of our bills. We can no longer afford to stay in our home, but can’t afford the deposits to move somewhere more affordable and closer to my husband’s job, 50 miles away. We’ve had to empty our kids’ piggy banks just so he could buy gas to get to and from work.

Our parents have been generous helping to keep us afloat, but it is embarrassing and unfair to them to continually ask for help each month. I’m grateful that both of our kids are young enough that the true meaning of Christmas is enough, but I am broken hearted that we can’t afford to get any gifts for them. I try to remember that each day I give my love, time and prayers to my family and it’s the best gift I can give.

Thank you for helping me get through my day. It’s the one hour where I can ignore the stress we’re facing and focus on the joy you bring to others.

Gratefully,

Michele

I did it!

I talked to Kyle briefly on Friday about my struggles to step up and take the tv time during the weekend to work out. I skipped my Friday workout, since I've still been fighting something. I also didn't work out yesterday. I was a little disappointed in myself yesterday, but I hadn't gotten much sleep, so I think I used it as an excuse to just be lazy. We did go to Target and walk around for a while, so I wasn't completely a bump on a log.

So today, I did 2 - 30 minute workouts. I did the cardio bootcamp by Kendell and then I also did a Disco Abs workout by Cheryl Burke. Eh...it was okay, but glad I didn't have that as my only workout. I think I'll either do Jillian's No More Trouble Zones or the Total Sculpt by Kendell.

My big goal for tonight is to get to sleep relatively soon. I was up until nearly 2am, then Noah woke up hungry, so I didn't truly get to sleep until around 2:45.

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I'm excited to be neither in the 1st or 3rd trimester of pregnancy - or pregnant at all really. ;o) This time last year, I was bursting at the seams and went to Labor & Delivery the day after Thanksgiving. Now I just need to be able to not eat too much and keep with my workouts.

I only have 2 weeks worth of prenatal vitamins left, so I think I'm going to work on weaning Noah to a whole milk/formula mixture in a sippy cup for the day starting this week and still nurse at night and first thing in the morning. My goal is to be fully weaned by the end of next week. I weaned Em the day before she turned 1, so I know I'll have no problems making it to Saturday or Sunday. I think I was more prepared to wean her than I am him. I think a great deal of it is tied to the fact he's more than likely our last baby and I am not quite ready to give him over to toddlerhood. I can't hold him back though, so I think I might keep the night nursing a little longer, but give up the rest for sure by his birthday.

Once I'm done nursing, I can cut back on my calorie intake and between that and no longer having that need to maintain weight, I should start dropping weight. It helps that I started out with the exercise first and am adding in the eating. I know I can cut back on calories with success. I've done it before. This is the first time I've gotten into a good rhythm with working out and setting a schedule and really building habits in.

The last thing I have to do is set up a schedule to use my light box to reinforce a healthy set of sleep habits and resetting my internal clock. It would ideally be awesome to get up early and workout before the kids get up. So we'll see!

Getting back into a groove

I have done workouts 3 days in a row. Yay! I've officially blown last week out of the water. :o) So now I just have two more days to go until the dreaded weekend. I still haven't come up with a plan, and it's killing me.

Last weekend: Saturday: Either Em was watching tv or Kyle was playing Halo.

Sunday: Football or Em's shows.

When am I gonna grow a pair and request some tv time on the weekend?!?!

I told Em today that I need the time to exercise because if I don't, I am sad and don't feel good about myself. Then I asked her if she wanted me to be happy mommy, or grumpy mommy. She responded happy mommy, then laid down for her nap. How sweet!

So now it's figuring out why I don't feel worthy of asking for what I need to be successful. I guess it's partly because what I wanted or needed always seemed to be contingent on if someone else deemed them important enough. My mom was my biggest advocate making sure that I got to take dance & piano lessons and go to Europe on two high school trips and to the east coast in jr high on a school trip as well. Someone else always fought with her on that. She would use her disability money from Japan on me to make sure I got to experience things and actually enjoy my youth a bit.

I think I'll talk to Kyle about it, since I'm sure he has no idea how I feel about it and it honestly is me just not saying anything. I'm sure if I ask, he'll be more than happy to take a break for however long I need. He's awesome and so supportive, I just need to tell him that I need something. :o)

Well, I have MOPs tomorrow, our speaker is talking about that very thing and not being everything to everyone and putting ourselves last during the holidays. Go figure! Time to get my evite sent out and plan for Noah's birthday party. It's coming up quick and I feel so unprepared!

Night!!!

Stalling out

So it's Saturday night and I've worked out a total of 1 day this week, and that was Monday. What?!? I've been feeling under the weather most of the week - vertigo makes working out pretty tough. Anyway, I feel gross and grouchy, so clearly, my body is going through workout withdrawals. The other annoying thing is it seems darling Flo is back already. Um, seriously, take a vacation (that doesn't end with me having another baby).

I really need to get back on the ball with my workouts. The challenge has been with getting Em down for naps and then making sure I have some time to do the workouts. Of course, deciding to watch DVR'd shows probably didn't help either.

Anyway, just wanted to update on my non-progress and mention the scale was back up to 161.6 on Wednesday. Grrrr... Need to drink lots of water. That is 65% of the problem - water retention.

Need to get to bed!

B for Effort

So yesterday's workout was a family walk to the grocery store - I did push Noah there in the stroller and most of the way back (with one arm and a coffee in the other). Otherwise, the tv was either on Em's stuff or Halo. Joy. Anyway, today wasn't starting out any better. Plus, I woke up feeling hungover - I'm dehydrated. So it's almost midnight now. I decided at 10:45 that I would do some yoga. Of course, right before I get started, Noah wakes up hungry.

I did the yoga routine, my hips hurt now and I still feel sick and I'm crabby, so I think it's time to get to bed. Cardio tomorrow. Please let Kendell put me in a good mood or I may just cry all afternoon. Did I mention that AF seems to be trying to make an encore? Seriously!?! If it doesn't get better by March, this stupid IUD is coming out and I'll go on seasonique or something. I take enough pills at night, what is one more? *eye roll*

Goals for tomorrow:

Get back to drinking a lot of water

Do Cardio

If I am still crabby - blog or write a journal entry about it and move on.

*crickets*

Okay, so I managed to disappear from the blog for a while. I've been in a bit of a funk (courtesy of not taking meds over the weekend and other stuff) and just didn't feel like I had much to say. I've gotten two solid workouts in this week, but I've been dealing with equilibrium garbage that I think is a lovely result of my flu-ish thing from a while back.

I really need to make a plan for this weekend. This is always where I get derailed and I really need to stop it. If I can't get a good plan of action in now, how in the world will I do it while I'm also curbing the calorie-fest I'm having now. Don't worry, not too many calories all the time, but not really tracking/logging/journaling food right now.

I did have a great thing happen today. I went into the closet and pulled out a cute shirt I got a couple years ago that fit, except for in the arms. Well, I put it on today, and while a tiny bit snug, it fit fine and I wore it to MOPs. It shows that my body is shrinking, even from before being pregnant with Noah. YAY!!! I am even more confident now that I am doing this the correct way for me.

I realize that life happens and situations will throw off my schedule and I need to be able to work around it more than I have in the past. You'd think with two small children I would know that by now, but it's amazing how much I seemed to expect them to conform to what I wanted. Now that Noah & Em tend to take their afternoon naps at the same time, I can give myself a solid hour. Of course, yesterday, I let Em play on the laptop while I worked out. I think it's good to let her watch me sweat and grunt and really push myself - and NOT complain about it. It did give me a boost at the end when she told me I did a great job and was willing to sit and play on the computer (Thanks to my friend Jacob from HS for recommending babysmash.com) so I could shower. I think the rest of that train of thought belongs on the other blog.
LOL

Anyhow, I wrote to Anne, my MOPs mentor mom, and asked her to pray for me. These are the areas I mentioned:

• Peace & patience with Em
• Feelings of guilt surrounding my temper
• A cool head when dealing with the tantrums and Em pushing my buttons
• Dealing with issues from my past manifesting in my emotions

I've really been struggling the last month or so, with outburts of anger at Em. I feel horribly ashamed. This is the type of behavior that my father gave me that I swore I'd never repeat, yet here I am. The catch is that I also like to sit and stew on things as well - a trait from my mom. The main issue is that I seem to forget that Em is only 2.5 and that there are so many things she is still just learning. I guess since I spend so much time with her, I forget the obvious things. I want to stop the cycle of mean-ness and anger. I want to be loving and constructive with discipline. I haven't been able to reign it in lately and follow along the Love & Logic principles I fell in love with a while back. I suppose I really should look into taking the classes when Liann next offers them. I think they would be invaluable to me. I'm not sure if I can talk Kyle into going with me, but the $75 or $100 for the 4 week course would be so helpful. It's really important for me to be on the same page as him and work as a team, but so often, I feel like I'm floundering at home when he's at work. I'm tired a lot and it's so difficult keeping up with two mobile kids who aren't fully in control of their faculties (i.e potty trained, old enough to dress themselves unsupervised, able to operate the remote, prepare their own food). ;o)

So I'll have to see what he thinks. I definitely think I should go to these, even if I have to pay $40 for the kids to be watched for all 4 classes and go by myself on Friday afternoons. Plus, if I go Friday afternoons, I don't have to "graduate" from the classes on my 30th birthday. LOL

It's getting super late and I need to get some sleep. The time change has been royally messing with my sleep habits. Why it means I stay up even later is beyond me. I just know that my former 8:30 sleep in time being pushed back to 7-7:15 has been rough, since I haven't been in bed and asleep before 11:30 in over a week.

TGIF!!! I'm going to work on a game plan for the weekends and get it blogged so I can try harder to stick to it. Plus, then I have it where I can see it, tweak it and hopefully follow it and make it an additional part of my routine. Ideally, once spring arrives, I can modify it to mean family time outdoors being active. Hopefully that will work with a 1 yr old & a 3 yr old. ;o) I'm picturing family hikes. Perhaps my birthday present for #30 should be the parking pass for all the parks so if I want, I can take the kids on some hikes during the week. I'll have to get strong enough to wear the big backpack with Noah in it, plus carry stuff. Maybe I'll stick to things I can use the jogging stroller on. LOL

What to do?

I'm having a majorly off day today. Noah was up a lot last night, so I'm really sleepy. The coffee I made myself has left me jittery. I suppose it is time for lunch, so I should eat, get Em fed and then decide what workout to do. I thought about doing the No More Trouble Zones again, but I am afraid my muscles are still too sore from the other day. Plus, my right instep and left knee are bugging me today. I suppose I could do some yoga, but I always feel like it's not quite enough. I might do the Carmen Electra toning video. It's fairly slow paced and does work my muscles. Plus, then I can use yoga to cool down and really stretch out my warm muscles.

Speaking of working out...I need to go pop my candle holder into the freezer for a bit to get my spent candle out of it so I can start a new one. Yeah, I'm random, but it's that relaxing one that I like to burn to stay calm and leveled while I workout.

Please, may I have another?

Oh, I am in a load of pain today. So what did I do? I worked out more. I did Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones workout yesterday - partly as punishment for slacking off and not working out for almost an entire week. I started getting sore yesterday, but even more this morning. I decided to do my fat burning pilates workout today. Most of it is standing cardio, using a 1-3 lb weight, and it finishes off with some mat work. It has been several weeks since I did that particular workout, so it was almost like new. I can feel my muscles on fire still...especially my shoulders, triceps and abs. Definitely know I'll get great results if I can keep it up...and will hurt less if I keep working than if I stop and let the blood in my muscle tissues get stagnant.

My toughest thing is the weekend. I don't like working out in front of people - probably one of the reasons why I have yet to really go out and run, or why I'm not a big gym fan. I did sign up with 24 hr fitness and did all right working out before work for a few weeks way back when I was contracting at Microsoft...so back in 2004 I think. I just got much more interested in sleeping in and not getting up and hitting the elliptical and treadmill. Anyway, I am not a big fan of working out with the kids roaming around, then, when they're napping, I have to fight Kyle for the TV and/or Xbox. I don't know why I feel bad about asking him to wait on stuff until after I get in my workout. I mean, I have every right to use the stuff as he does, and mine is for a good cause, but I guess I feel guilty since he doesn't get much time with the technology during the week between Em & my shows during the week.

I mean, if I workout Monday through Friday, it isn't a big deal, but lately, I've only been getting in 2 or 3 workouts in a week. I think tomorrow calls for another round with Jillian. I actually mostly enjoyed the workout and at the end, her pep talk was nice. Plus, if I want to get those great results she promises, I need to work it.

My new goals are to work on strength and endurance through the holidays. Once I wean Noah and get into January (if he's weaned by then) then I'll start counting calories, or doing WW again. I figure, it was causing me supply issues, so for now, I'll focus on making my body stronger and preparing it to be a fat burning machine. Then, once I drop my calorie intake, I should start dropping weight, and a little easier than if I just was a ball of goo. :o)

Re-evaluating my goals

So I've noticed an interesting pattern to my weeks. Workout well Tues-Fri, eat decently Wed-Fri. Sat-Mon, different story. No workouts, eating whatever. I am taking a step back on the diet and focusing on the workouts for the next few weeks to see what happens. I know that eating well is a key, however, I'm still nursing Noah most of the time, so that is still impacting my loss rate.

My workouts today were tough. But not for the same reasons. I did a crunch cardio sculpt workout that was tough. Then, decided that 30 minutes wasn't enough, so I did a 10 minute dance workout - it was 5 - 10 minute workouts. It was okay. The hard part came in the last 2 segments, when Em was down stairs with us. Noah was fussing, and Em decided to start goofing off around me. However, I was definitely happy when she told me I did a good job.

I finally got my iPhone today, so I'm excited to get it all set up and start using it. I have a cute cover for it and can't wait to play in the app store. :o)

I'm excited to refocus and get some good workouts this week. I think I got thrown off because my Thursday workout wasn't that great and I just felt off after it. Plus, we had the funeral to go to on Saturday and then I started getting sick again. I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster. Definitely makes it hard to lose weight, but I'll figure it out. It's all about balance, and that takes time to manage.

I didn't die!

I have a workout DVD called The Firm: Super Cardio Mix. It is tough - I think it's an intermediate/advanced level workout. I remember trying to do the workout while I was doing WW the first time - back in 2004 I think. I thought I was going to die and wasn't able to maintain a lot of the cardio.

I've picked it up and looked at it a few times over the last month or two, but never had the guts to give it a try. Well, after yesterday's dismal performance with Kendell doing strength training, I was worried I might be biting off more than I could chew. I forgot how cheesy the outfits were, but it is a great cardiovascular endurance workout. 49 minutes of plyometrics, running, etc. I survived. I did have to take it down on one particular jump section toward the end, mostly because I got a blister on my instep during the workout. Not wearing those shoes again! But other than an itchy throat because I'm still technically getting over the flu, feel great.

It does help greatly that Kyle has the day off from work. This morning was my time, this afternoon was his. I got my hair cut, nails done - I wanted acrylics, and figured, I'm giving up my retirement money to pay bills, so I'm getting something fun out of the deal. Kyle went for a haircut and kindly did the grocery shopping for dinners this afternoon while I was home with the kids. I might have scheduled things on purpose so that I got nap time to work out like normal. This was important because I know I won't work out tomorrow and betting the lunch post-memorial service tomorrow won't be overly healthy - think Costco wraps and the like.

I'm just grateful I'm making good progress and was actually able to get another quick shower in post workout because Kyle got home. :o) Sometimes it's the little things.

Phew!

I had my weigh in yesterday and was shocked to see 159.8 staring back at me from the scale. I lost 3 lbs this past week! I'm less than 2 lbs from my pre-baby weight with Noah! This is really exciting for me. I'm also still losing inches. It seems insane how many I've lost. I'll have to figure out if I can put an Excel chart into either a blog or as a widget to graph my inches lost. I measure the normal stuff (chest, waist, hips) and then also both upper arms, both thighs and my "pooch" (aka deflated baby belly). I am so close to getting the pooch under 40" (only need .5+) to get into the 30s. My hips have already tightened down to 38". I'm not expecting a ton more to go from that area. They seem much wider than they were pre-babies. Oh well.

For whatever reason, my workout today kicked my rear...much harder than normal. I am sad I feel like Kendell was angry with me for working out with Jillian yesterday. LOL Perhaps it's just that my muscles were fatigued from yesterday's beating. It's nice thinking of the fact I only have 44-45 lbs to lose to hit my goal weight of 115. I've lost that amount of weight before...I was just starting from a higher weight. Thankfully, having babies made the first chunk easier. LOL

Well, I hear a crying baby, so I guess that's it for tonight!

Why does this happen?

It's Monday and I feel like I got hit by a bus! I have a nasty sore throat and need to work out, since I took the weekend off - not entirely my fault. I just don't understand why I would have to get a sore throat, and why it is reducing me to a whiny mess. It doesn't help it's super windy out and gray. Also not helping is the fact the kids nap on opposite times now so I either have to pick a super short workout or force Noah to sit in his activity table for my entire workout.

I'm exhausted and probably should nap, but it's kind of hard to do with one of the kids always awake. I guess I'll try and find some yoga to do.

O-M-G!

I decided to search OnDemand today for a good cardio workout. I was super psyched when I saw Kendell Hogan's name attached to one under the Get Ripped category. It was the Bootcamp Cardio Burn. It was tough. It was fast paced, but there is lot of repetition - starting with one pattern and adding on, then starting from the top, adding on, etc. for about 29 minutes. I think I was dripping sweat for a good 15 minutes post workout.

I was hoping that the charisma and motivation I got from the Crunch workout with Kendell would translate to cardio. It did not disappoint. :o) I worked so hard and I pushed myself to do things I normally would have shirked my way out of. Squat thrust and mountain climbers are just an example. I'm happy with the definition that I'm starting to see in my upper arms and my calves and slowly my thighs. I really just can't wait until my deflated baby belly tightens up some. If only the stretch marks would disappear with the fat. ;o)

I did forget to burn my relax candle during my workout today, but I didn't need it. I'll save it for a bath I hope to take tonight. I could use a nice, hot soak in the tub to help loosen up my tight muscles.

I planned a low-cost easy to do plan for us tomorrow. Since the high is supposed to top off around the mid 50's, but be sunny, I decided we should take the jogging stroller out and go for a walk around Redmond. From time to time I really miss living there, just not the having an apartment next door to the post office and down the block from the fire station. LOL I figure we'll park at the mall and walk to the park or along the river. Perhaps we'll window shop at the mall too, who knows.

At least I finally figured out some things to put on my Christmas list. Heart rate monitor & pedometer. I have a Body Bugg, but let the subscription lapse and can't really afford the cost, not to mention since I do my tracking on sparkpeople, it got kind of redundant. So since neither is super pricey, I figure, asking for one and or the other is good. Of course, I'd always be happy with a mani/pedi or a massage too. ;o)

Miracles

So yesterday I managed to get back on track. I logged all of my food for the day, did not one, but two workouts. Okay, well, almost 2. There was a power flicker toward the end of the 2nd workout and the Xbox was temporarily out of commission. I didn't like the instructor, nor the workout enough to complete it once I figured out that the red ring wasn't a fatal error, but simply a notification that the power had gone out. LOL

So what is the miracle? After not logging my food from Saturday through Tuesday, and not working out Friday through Tuesday, I still managed to lose inches and only gained 0.4 lbs. Friday was a 2600+ calorie day all on it's own!

There were a variety of factors that led to my stint off track. The important thing for me was that I recognized them (grief from losing Kyle's Grandpa Vic, TOM/AF, SADD kicking in) and am working to push past those things. I know they will hold me back forever if I let them, which is why I gave myself a deadline to allow myself to be in that place. I am one that firmly believes in not stuffing feelings or ignoring them. As someone who has suffered from depression for going on (at least) 10 years, not validating the feelings can lead to a larger struggle down the road. I also was extremely frustrated by a response to my sparkpeople.com blog about that struggle. It basically said to me, "snap out of it, and just get on with your life." Those are possibly the worst things to hear, since it isn't a matter of just wishing it away. It's brain chemistry, and then at times, it will manifest itself into physical symptoms of being unwell.

That's it for now. The Xbox is on and Kendell Hogan from Crunch is waiting. :o)

Ready to get to it!

Watching the last of tonight's Biggest Loser episode on DVR and am recommitted to getting the workouts in and watching my diet again. I don't know if I just needed a break or what the deal is, but I am excited to get back to working it.

I don't hold any hope that tomorrow's weigh in will be anything but up. I haven't been paying much attention to my diet since Thursday and haven't worked out since then either. I haven't been drinking enough water either. So tomorrow it is back to it full force.

I'm feeling like I've turned a corner with the attitude and funky mood too. I gave myself through tonight to just "be" and now I'm ready to put the sadness and grief behind me. I owe it to myself, to the kids and to Kyle to get my mind and body back to a healthy state.

Clearly, my head it de-fogging. I'm eye-rolling the "boo-hooing" before the vote. Especially Tracy's big old frown before she cries. Now I just need to hope that the kids will do okay overnight, they'll nap well tomorrow and I will kick booty at my workout!

What am I missing?

I've been feeling in great conflict with myself lately. I've been extremely moody, angry, short-tempered and now I just feel a great angst. I feel like my soul is in torment and I can't figure out why.

I hope that I can get a good night of sleep, wake refreshed and well enough to brave a workout during the kids' nap. I also hope their naps last as long as they did today so that I have a while after the workout to shower and relax.

I'm praying for guidance, I'm listening for what God is trying to tell me, I'm giving over my grief about losing Kyle's grandpa to God, and I'm trying to quiet myself. This is my struggle for tonight...how can I quiet my thoughts, which seem to be going 500 mph?

I still feel like there is something I'm missing. I guess I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to releasing control to God.

Ick

So I haven't gotten a workout in since Thursday and I feel disgusting. Not only that, but I've eaten over my calories the last two days as well. Of course, now Em is sick, I'm not too far behind and I'm sure that it's only a matter of time before Kyle & Noah will be sick too. Awesome...

Kyle's going in search of some Emergen-C for me later, since I'm desperate to get over this fast. I hate being sick, especially since this time it is derailing me from my goals of being healthy. I guess I shouldn't stress too much, since it isn't as if I'm in a race to lose weight. The importance is that I continually make forward progress.

So if I have the energy, I'll do some light yoga today just to get some fresh blood in my muscles and try to encourage my lungs to stay clear. The headache is starting, so I suppose I should take some Tylenol and start drinking my water. Blech! At least it's Sunday so I have help today. I might just pass out on the couch soon. Em's head is on my leg and I'm reclined on the couch.

Day off or off day?

So I met up with my friend Nicole for lunch today. While I knew that I was going to eat well past my calories today, I wasn't expecting my body to conspire against me. I ate what was left of a chocolate bar in my kitchen and all I want is to eat fat, salt & sugar. I mean, big, juicy cheeseburger, cupcakes, you name, I want it. No workout today either. I am also in a really bad mood - mostly because someone has been a crabby pants most of the day as well.

I should go refill my water and make sure the kids are safe just in case my eyes close for a while. I woke up tired and had a really odd dream this morning that has left me feeling off all day. It's never pleasant to have a dream that you and your husband split up, you seemingly take turns trying to get the other one back, but neither is interested at the same time...they move on, you are hunted by someone, but somehow do end up back together just before you wake up. The only positive is that I was skinny in my dream. Small consolation for how bizarre I felt this morning. I don't know if it is my subconscious screaming out about how Kyle & I spend too much time on the computers and not just with each other, or if it is just a fluke.

I guess I got a bit miffed that Kyle was chatting with someone online for a couple hours last night, but we really weren't talking all that much. Or the fact that he got home and didn't really spend much time with Noah, but instead was on the computer. I think we're in desperate need of half a day unplugged. I'd say a whole day, but I think between Kyle, myself & Em, we'd probably go a little nutty. ;o)

So tomorrow I know I need to get in some exercise. I'm sore today, and while I said I wanted to be sore (since I worked so hard yesterday), I think I don't really want to be this sore. I think I finally got my form better for lat rows as my back hurts pretty badly. At least the scale still said 161.2 this morning. I'm sure it will turn on me tomorrow. Too much salt and fat today...not to mention calories! I also realized that I forgot to take my night time meds...for the first time in probably 6 months to a year. Oops! I'm sure that doesn't help things, but still. I'm sure if I forced myself to workout, I'd feel better, but with both kids up, it just doesn't look promising.

Ugh...now I'm craving hot chocolate, coffee, and other warm, gooey dessert-type stuff. Or maybe scones...or donuts... Gee, does it seem like I might be hormonal at all? It's probably a backlash from how strict I was getting on myself. I just need to get back on track tomorrow and not beat myself up over today. We're allowed one really off day now and then, right?

The challenge of being a mommy

As I sit down to write this, I hear Noah waking up. Em has just gone down for her nap, without her beloved green blankie. I need to workout, and I want to in some part, but the SADD (aka seasonal depression) riddled part, just wants to climb into bed. I had a great time at MOPs this morning, but somehow, I'm just feeling blah and down.

What should I be happy about? My size 10 jeans that just weeks ago left me with a Costco sized muffin top now only have a tiny bit of belly poking out. I've lost over 7 inches in the last 2 weeks alone! What is there to be upset with there? The scale said 161.2 this morning, down 1.2 since yesterday. Also nothing to be sad over. Emily had fun with her group at MOPs, I made a cute craft.

Yet, there is something nagging at me. I'm feeling glum, depressed and wanting to withdraw. I hate this feeling, mostly because it is all too familiar and I know I will be fighting a lot to keep it from taking over. The main factor is the weather. The clouds and rain of fall have replaced the sun and warmth of summer. I have forgotten to take my vitamin D the last few days, so that is also not helping things. Plus, I found out that our favorite Saturday morning breakfast restaurant, Mike's Cascade Grill, is closing its doors. We've gone there for years and it will be greatly missed! Where else will I get great Eggs Benedict on a Saturday morning, because I sure as heck won't make it. ;o)

Now that I've gotten these feelings out, it's time to work out and pray. God is weighing something on my heart, but I suspect I've been tuning Him out and I need to focus and listen to see what He has to say.

Simple steps

This is the first step in reclaiming the woman inside the mommy & wife. I've decided to begin chronicling my weight loss journey and self-discovery in this blog, and leave the other one for family and that sort of thing. This one is also going to be public, since I think transparency & accountability are critical at this point in my life. Besides, the main reason the other blog is private is to protect the privacy of my children. :o)

So, I will be going back and transferring my diet/exercise blogs over here and going forward will spend more time on this blog and putting pictures of the kids and their stories on the other one.

Boo-yah!

I'm having a good day, despite being really tired. Weigh in was good, back to what I was 2 weeks ago, plus a little less. :o) I was up last week, and today I was 162.4, so .4 down from my initial challenge weigh in. What that in and of itself isn't all that impressive, I've lost a lot of inches in 2 weeks. I've lost 8.625 inches in 2 weeks! The biggest change is in my chest measurement, but I have lost nearly an inch in each my waist, hips and baby pooch. I've also lost an inch in each thigh. Definitely makes me happy that, while the scale is slow in moving, I'm making a lot of lean muscle and burning some fat.

I'm not trying to stay within my target calorie range each day. I am waiting for that level of dedication simply because I'm still nursing Noah. Once that is over with, it's "game on." I know my body will be more willing to shed weight once I no longer need the calories to make milk. At least I'm building a lot of lean muscle mass to help kick up my metabolism for the not too distant future. I mean, Noah will be 10 months in just 5 days, so that means I'm only about 2 months until he's on cow milk & solids. While I will miss the bond of nursing him, I'm really excited to have my body back in its entirety. I've always joked that between being pregnant & nursing, I've only had ownership of my body for 2 weeks in the last 3 years. That's pretty sad!

I've come up with some great goals for next summer. Noah will be 1.5 & walking, so I plan to take the kids to the grassy field not too far from our house to just run around and play. Of course, if we've moved, I'll have to find another area to play, but I plan on having it be much more active. I just hope that by next summer Em will be 100% potty trained, since she'll be 3. Yikes! I can't believe she'll be that old!!!

Sounds like I have an upset boy that wants out of his crib, so I better run! Still have to get my yoga in too. Had to wait longer because I was taking my time finishing my coffee. :o)

Productivity!!

I felt very accomplished today. I got the laundry finished between yesterday afternoon and today. Fresh sheets on the bed, clean carpets (though I do need to try and get all the stains up!), and got in a good workout. Em tried to join in during the pilates, which was amusing.

Tomorrow is my last day before weigh in, so I plan to really work hard on cardio to try and get every last ounce I can off.

I'm hungry

I have eaten over my calorie range for the day, but feel really hungry. I think tomorrow will be better when I'm eating less of my daily calories at breakfast. ;o) I'm really feeling fit and I think perhaps it's forgetting to take my vitamin D that makes me feel like I haven't eaten much today.

Time to catch up on the DVR and find something sweet to nibble on. I'm curious to see what the measurements show on Wednesday, as well as the scale. Hopefully both numbers are lower!

Stick to the plan

So I went over on my calories today. Not too surprising. However, I did do twice the workout I had intended. Besides, since I'm still feeding Noah, I do need to make sure I don't send my body into starvation/deprivation mode. But now that I've made it through Friday, the tough part is approaching. The weekend. This is where I derailed last week. I am resolved to track my food, no matter how good/bad I eat. I resolve to exercise as well.

I am starting to feel more results (tighter waist, , looser ring, definition in my calves) and I want to continue to see more. I mean, I have a closet full of adorable clothes that I haven't had on in over 3 years! It's just amusing because even though I'm not really down on the scale, and haven't lost all that many inches, I just feel skinny today. Perhaps it's the altering of my brain chemistry.

Em is having fun "working out" with me. She always says, "I watch mama exercise." She truly doesn't watch a ton, but is trying to do things and I have to be on my toes to make sure I don't step on, punch, kick, or otherwise run into her while I work out. I'm trying to figure out what kinds of workouts I can do with her. I mean, how awesome would it be to get Em enjoying exercise as a kid so that she doesn't have to go through the mind games like I did.

Anyhow, Hell's Kitchen is playing on the DVR and I'm going to log off, drink my water and relax.

I'm an addict

Well, at least I'm starting to become addicted to working out. Go figure. I sort of got like this before I got pregnant with both Emily and Noah. Hopefully that doesn't mean #3 will magically appear anytime in the near (or distant) future. LOL I mean, while we don't intentionally plan to have anymore kids, if it's God's will, that is completely a different matter.

Anyway, I did Crunch: Super SlimDown Pilates Yoga Blend. It was nice. The most challenging thing aside from the raised leg lift section was trying to do it while Em was running around and trying to climb on me. She kept saying she wanted to watch me exercise, so I indulged her. LOL Perhaps not again. I'll have to find a mommy/toddler workout. I think Parents has one, I have the mommy/baby one that I never do. It's tough to try and work it all out. Noah had activity table time while I worked out, but I'm sure that the seat will only work for a few more months before he outgrows it.

I am really happy that I seem to be falling back into the food tracking, working out, water drinking habits. I guess they really were well ingrained from my previous forays into weight loss. I know there will be times things get thrown for a loop with my schedule, but I'm trying not to let that interfere with things. The important thing is that I maintain a healthy lifestyle, not just rush to lose a bunch of weight quickly and revert back to eating mindlessly.

Well, Em is asking me to do Wii Fit, so I better get off the computer and do some more exercise. ;o)

What's stronger than coffee?

I think I might need some! I'm so sleepy! My latte did nothing to make a dent in my fatigue. Doesn't help I went to bed around 11 and then woke up at 3 & 6:15 to feed Noah. So in honor of being so unbelievably tired, I'm doing some yoga today. I haven't decided which one to do yet, but I need something to help me stretch out those sore, tight muscles and just relax me. Perhaps I can catch a small nap too! That would be really nice. :o)

Wagons-ho!

Alright. Day 1 back on the wagon, complete! Yay!!! It really boosted my confidence to get my workout in, drink a ton of water & track my food. The first day always is the hardest, especially when you spend 3 days throwing cares to the wayside.

Weigh in is in the morning and I know I'll be up, but mostly because I was so crazy for 3 days and because I don't know how in the world I had gotten so low. I was up to 166 this morning, so I'm not holding my breath that I'll have any less than a 2 lb gain. Oh well. Better luck next week. I'll be back tomorrow to update on weight & measurements. I know they say to do measurements monthly, but I really need to see some progress somewhere. ;o)

Where do I buy a ticket back on the wagon?

So I took the weekend off from diet & exercise. Originally, I intended to be good and get back on track yesterday, but I just didn't.

This morning, I woke up resolved to get back on the wagon, but alas...it appears to have left without me. ;o) The kids' naps didn't coordinate so I could get my good nap time workout in. It doesn't help that Em was up before 7 this morning and I haven't had more than 5 minutes to myself. While I may be on the computer, I always have my eyes on one of the kids. I'm exhausted and unmotivated. My weigh in is Wednesday morning, so I need to step it up, but I just find myself apathetic to it.

Hopefully I can dig in and stick to a plan tomorrow. It's ridiculous that I so easily chucked the hard work I put in last week because of what was originally only one "break" day. Clearly, I'm not ready to take a day off yet. It's hard fighting the bad habits that are currently just under the surface. At least I'm not sore anymore, so I can't use that as an excuse. ;o) Also, I'm just about down to a size 10 from 12. I was trying to force it before - stupid birthing hips! There's still a little muffin top, but definitely not too terrible. I have come to realize that the baby belly is going to be by far the hardest thing to get rid of.

I plan to get up early and work out, but it depends a lot on if the kids cooperate and sleep well and don't get up at 6:30 again. At least the clean kitchen will help keep me focused better with eating. Time for some water & a little Leno.

Saturday = Slacker day

So let's see, did I work out today? No. Did I track my eating today? No. Did I eat healthfully? Not even close. Am I going to beat myself up about it? No. :o)

I'm sore, tired and the rainy, gray day put my motivation and mood in a temporary stall-out. I am planning to get back to it tomorrow, just wanted to relax and cut myself some slack today. I did heat my back for a while today because it was super stiff. Definitely felt how out of shape I am right now!

Anyhow, I'm going to relax and try to get to bed early. Kyle and I were up late watching Watchmen last night and he has to work tonight...for who knows how long. Poor guy!

Also, please say a prayer that Kyle's grandpa will recovery quickly and smoothly from his hip surgery!

Billy Blanks...I hate you!

Oh good grief! That is totally what I get for being overzealous and doing an advanced workout! I am exhausted and sore, but I also was dripping a ton of sweat, drank a ton of water and know that the results will be worth the pain! I did have to walk through some stuff and/or pause and rewind so I didn't miss much while I drank some water and caught my breath a bit.

These poor mommy abs just really, really, REALLY are out of shape! The upper ones aren't too bad, but the lower ones were screaming early on. I guess I know I need to start working on reverse crunches and oblique stuff. I think this workout will be shelved until I've gotten a bit more tone back in my core as well. My kicks were flopping around all over the place because the pace was so fast. But instead of giving up, I pushed through and lasted all 45 minutes (which took closer to 50 minutes with the pausing).

Kids are up, so I gotta run. Wish I could get a shower in first, but such is life!

A Date with Billy

Blanks that is. :o) I am about to get Em down for her nap, meaning it's about time to start my daily afternoon workout. Today I'm finally getting the guts up to do some Tae Bo. Specifically, it's the Tae Bo II: Get Ripped Advanced 1 workout that I will be doing. I think I'll be a puddle of goo after those 45 minutes, but it will be worth it.

I'm already starting to see results. Yes, that's right, after only 2 days of workouts and eating well, I said I'm seeing results. The main results are that I have more energy, my moods have been more stable, and my appetite isn't raging out of control. However, I do notice that when I left my leg, my extra skin & fat sag down and I can see the thinner legs that will soon be all that is left!

Alright, time to get Em to bed and sweat with Billy & his crew.

Thursdays are great!

Today was the first day of MOPs. I've heard a few girlfriends from one of my mommy boards raving about their MOPs groups, so I decided to join one locally. It meets in the Cascade Covenant Church, which is on our list of churches to visit. I do have to add that while we have a list, we haven't been doing any visiting. ;o) I know, bad!!! So if Kyle has the weekend off, we will probably go to a service.

I enjoyed the group of moms that were at my table. I think it's an awesome experience to share in their lives as well as to have a fantastic mentor mom who's been there, done that, and their grandkids are our kids' age. I kept waiting to see if my pager would go off saying Noah needed me, or if the runner would come tell me Em needed me, but nothing. I was able to sit, enjoy my breakfast, my 2 cups of coffee, great company, and a nice, relaxing couple of hours.

When I picked the kids up, Noah was doing pretty well still, but Em, was just bubbly, happy and very excited about "play school." (Kyle & I started calling it that so that she'd want to be like Caillou and go.) She was so good for me today. I couldn't believe it! I think we had one tiff before we left, and one before she had her nap, but otherwise, pretty fantastic for a 2 year old!

Unfortunately, we missed watching the Office & Fringe tonight because between Em telling us she had to go potty every 5 minutes (well, about 10 minutes after each previous attempt ended), getting Noah to bed, Kyle working...well, we just didn't get to it. At least we have the weekend to watch via DVR. Sadly, Kyle has to work a ton tomorrow night too. He's been working so much lately! I am just praying that he can get 2 days off this weekend! Seriously miffed that tomorrow is the 12th day in a row that he's at work. Normally I wouldn't be overly upset about it, except that 1) he's salaried, so he's essentially working for free, and 2) he's working pretty much 70% of the time he is home (and not asleep). I think this must have been how he felt when I was working at Expedia, but at least I was making bank in overtime pay! So if you think of it, please pray for a slight decrease in workload, or better yet, something that pays better and is closer to our current home. It would be awesome to have his commute cut by about half and not worry so much about how we'll make ends meet. I understand that we are growing in our faith exponentially, but it would be nice to have a breather every now and again.

In the scheme of things, I know this will just be a blip in our lives and we'll look back and marvel at how God helped us through this. There are many other tests and trials we could be facing with regard to building faith and relying on God as the only source of solace. I have several friends who have many more challenging situations they are working through at this very minute, so I don't even begin to claim this is the same, nor as difficult. It's simply a storm that will pass when God deems it time. Of course, this all goes back to my prayer for patience when I was about 13. I'm still extremely impatient 16 years later. ;o) I do notice I'm learning with each "growing opportunity" that there is a little bit more in the well each time.

Tomorrow I've decided that unless I'm super sore, I'll do Tae Bo. I'll save Jillian for another day. Besides, I also have my Walk Away the Pounds I could do (though I can't stand listening to Leslie Sansone talk), or heaven forbid the Carmen Electra workouts... It's sad, that even re-starting, I feel like the less intense workouts just don't do anything. Take for example, my workout today. It wasn't really super intense or that difficult, but I was dripping sweat pretty quickly into it. I'm definitely beginning to feel some stiffness in my muscles too, but it's the good pain. Well, all but in my lower back. That is definitely not fun. It's been stiff for a while, so hopefully doing some kick boxing will help get fresh blood in and loosen up the muscles.

Time to finish logging my water for the night and get some sleep.

Lightening up

So honestly, the title is a tongue in cheek reminder to not be so hard on myself while working on losing weight. :o)

I am really proud of how well I am doing tracking my food and know that paring down and eating better will be a slowly evolving habit. Plus, I was out this morning and there wasn't a ton of healthy options for breakfast. However, the point wasn't necessarily to eat low in calories, but to enjoy the company of other MOPs moms. ;o)

I went over my calorie range by around 500 calories yesterday, and today will probably still go over, but not by nearly as much. I have a plan in place to get through dinner. Instead of having the meaty pizza, I'm having one slice of Em's pineapple & olive pizza and a Boca burger instead. I have the mushroom mozzarella ones and they are awesome! I usually cut one up and put it on a salad with some italian dressing. In fact, I think I may just cut a slice of pizza in half instead of eating a whole one, since I did eat my salad around 4pm. That will help keep me under the max I think. :o) That is also including a small slice of apple pie. Love the moderation eating! (sorry that I'm updating my food tracker while I'm blogging!)

I also did get another workout in today. It was a slightly hectic morning this morning, and I knew I wouldn't get a workout in before going to MOPs. I was worried I wouldn't be alert enough to do one during Em's nap, but by God's grace, I had energy. I think that MOPs will be a HUGE boost to my morale and mood during the end of the week slump. So I tried a new Crunch workout (Thank you Netflix & Xbox 360 streaming!!!). This time, it was the Total Resculpt. It's split into lower & upper body. Let me tell you, my poor legs were hating me barely into it. My upper body wasn't all the bad, though my shoulders did get a tiny bit sore toward the end. Sad, I was only using 2-2.5 lbs weights. Just think of what will happen when I bring in my 3 & 5 lbs weights. I guess my lower body has been wasting away while the upper body is getting a workout from lifting/carrying a 20 lb little boy and a 29 lb little girl! Either way, I really enjoyed the instructor. He was so positive and encouraging!

Tomorrow is cardio. I have three options I am mulling over. Tae Bo, FIRM Cardio Dance, or Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I think it will depend on how sore I am tomorrow. If I'm really sore, I'll do the dance, but I'd prefer to do one of the other two I think. I think I do have another cardio FIRM dvd, so maybe I will do that one. It's really tough though, with tons of plyometric jump stuff. I will probably put the step based FIRM stuff back into rotation once I drop back down into the low-150's.

Wow! I talk a lot! ;o) I'll post the MOPs stuff in a separate blog.

Back on track!

I am so proud of myself! I squeezed in a 45 minute dance workout while Em napped. I did have to stop for a few minutes while I answered a call from my MOPs group leader, but I had fun grooving and looking like a dork by myself. I'm having a tough time deciding what to do for dinner. I'm determined to not derail myself tonight. Granted, I do need to stay at the top of my range, if not a tiny bit over since I'm still feeding Noah, but definitely not as much as I had been eating.

I'm also starting to get nervous about the MOPs meeting tomorrow. It's like the first day of school type nervousness. My small group leader sounded nice on the phone, but it's so hard for me to make new friends. I'm also nervous about how the kids will do and if they will make friends. I think because they've never been in daycare, the feelings are magnified because I haven't really exposed them to this type of situation before. Wish all 3 of us luck!

I'm going to try and figure out what to do for dinner. That's going to probably drive me to the brink of insanity, as I am feeling insanely hungry right now. Oh well. I just need to tough it out! :o)

I flunk!

So, who hit the snooze button 6 times this morning? Oh, that would be me! And, to add insult to injury, as I laid in bed trying to will myself out of it, Em woke up. So my workout before computer is failed today.

On a positive note, I did remember to measure out my breakfast and will be logging in my sparkpeople account in just a minute. Just had to come do my daily confession! Time to move on and force myself to workout during the kids' nap.

Now to chug some water to get rid of these confounded hiccups! :)

Being contemplative

I've been thinking a lot lately. I seem to do that a lot, but I've been trying to pick my brain about life and figure out what is/isn't making me happy. I seem to be grouchy and tired quite frequently and I want to get to the root of the problem and solve it. There are the physical things - low vitamin D, mild hypothyroidism, mild PCOS - then there is the clinical depression and I think seasonal depression is also around the corner.

I have a hard time not beating myself up over this, that, or the other regarding my parenting. I feel like I set myself for disappointment because I have this "ideal" that is impossible to achieve. I know that Em & Noah are well cared for and loved, but I can't shake this feeling there is something I'm doing wrong. I know that all parents feel this way, but the difficulty is in letting go of the need to be perfect. I remember watching an episode of Super Nanny a few months ago where the mom had perfectionist tendencies and it really messed up her daughter. I don't want to do that. I want to let Em learn and make mistakes on her own. I know I used to get so angry with my mom for always hovering and always butting in and not letting me make mistakes. Of course, on the other side, was a parent that was always looking over my shoulder waiting for me to make a mistake. It's such a fine line developing a good sense of trust and avoiding gullibility or mistrust.

There is also the fact that I am turning 30 in less than 5 months. It hasn't really bothered me up to this point, but I always get disappointed with birthday letdown. I'm hoping that I can really just focus on the positives and set some good goals for 1, 5, & 10 years out. There is a weight loss goal to achieve, teaching Em & Noah manners and helping them build a foundation for a full and happy life. I'm sure there are a million other things I could put down, but for me, I think hand writing a list will be more effective.

So, with regard to the weight loss challenge I am taking part in. It is with my M&M's Motivated Moms group on sparkpeople.com. We have a different daily challenge, with weekly weigh ins on Wednesday morning, after Biggest Loser airs. We had our initial weigh in this morning, and I was 162.8. that puts me at 9 lbs down from the beginning of January and about 4-5 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight with Noah. From there, I still have an additional 13 lbs to reach pre-pregnancy weight with Emily. Then, to hit my goal weight of 115, I have 30 more lbs to go. So I think for now, I'll try and reach my total pre-pregnancy weight by the end of the challenge. You would think 13 lbs in at least 16 weeks wouldn't be so tough, but with two little ones around to disrupt workout plans, and my knack for ending up low on the totem pole of receiving (from myself) care, anything after that 13 lbs is gravy!

I think I was roughly around 169-171 when I went to the dr in June dealing with mono and stuff. I'm way overdue for my follow up, but without much improvement during most of the summer, I didn't want to go back with nothing positive to show for the time that had passed. Plus, I've been bad about remembering to take my meds and vitamin D throughout the months. I know I need to schedule it and get the blood work done, but I just feel so ashamed of how I've been eating. Donuts, cake, brownies, cookies, ice cream, chicken nuggets, french fries...yeah, definitely NOT good for my already high cholesterol & triglyceride levels. So, I will try and work really hard, schedule my follow up, go over my plans with the dr. and then go from there. I also need to get my cardio work up done, as I haven't done that either. It's just really hard to get away on a Thursday when I don't have a babysitter, I have MOPs in the mornings and Kyle's mom usually has something going on and can't come up to visit either. The dizzy spells have pretty much stopped. I think I've had about 10 in the last month, which is a major improvement from 80% of the time I got up while I had mono.

So my goal is to get up and workout first thing in the morning. I know it HAS to happen then, or I will make every excuse to skip it the rest of the day. Bad habits die hard. I am resolving to workout in the morning, no computer until after the workout is complete, and to track all of my food, including bites, licks and tastes of food. I will get to my goal weight, and I know as soon as I wean Noah, the weight will start coming off easier, but I will stop making excuses for why it hasn't happened. Those two little angels asleep upstairs deserve to have a mom that values herself and takes good care of her body and mind.

My goals for tomorrow:

1. Track my food intake - regardless if I stay within my calorie range.
2. Drink at least 80 oz of water, more is better.
3. Exercise first thing in the morning for at least 30 minutes, but 60 is better.
4. Be aware of bad habits creeping in - i.e. not drinking enough water, being lazy, not eating proper meals...
5. Return to blog again and post new goals for Thursday.

I'm fighting mad...at myself...

So I was realizing last night that I've been letting valuable weeks go by not working out. Truthfully, I started this post several days ago, but the kids have kept me busy and we gave potty training a try, so I've been distracted once again.

Today, I dug out a bunch of workout dvds and videos while looking for Anchorman for Jen. I plan to start making rotations of the workouts and getting to bed early and getting up early. I figure, I have 2 months until my girls weekend out in Vegas, so I should really get serious about getting in better shape. It doesn't really help all that much that I dug out old photos of myself and saw how thin I used to be. I thought I was fat at the time, but I'd love to be that size again. Granted, I was in the same size clothing right before I got pregnant with Emily, but somehow was about 30 lbs heavier. I can't even imagine what I will look like at my goal weight.

I have to figure out where to set up the little tv with the vcr so I can do my vhs workouts. Plus, then I can bring in my Disney tapes to let Em watch.

Kyle had to work all weekend, so I was down for a good chunk, but we had a great bbq yesterday with Jen & our friend Dan. It's funny that since we've moved, we've rarely had anyone over. We've had family over, obviously, but other than Sammy coming over for camp planning and I think Tim, we hadn't really had anyone visit. Granted, it's been a pretty crazy year and I am praying that 2010 is 100% better than this year.

I'm very excited that I got into the local MOPs group and start going next week. I am so desperate for adult contact. I think it's funny that I've gotten so shy about making new friends. I can only hope that Emily will make friends with the other kids and we'll start having play dates and I can start making other mommy friends. I'm sure Kyle would enjoy me having my crazy girl talk with women and having shopping friends rather than insisting he come with me. :o)

I am starting a challenge on my mom's board on sparkpeople.com. It's running concurrently with the Biggest Loser: Second Chances (Season 8) starting this Tuesday. So, I definitely need to start meal planning and measuring serving sizes and tracking calories again. I am giving myself 4 or 5 months and if I don't see results, I'm going to ask Kyle to let me rejoin Weight Watchers. I always had great success on the program, and I know it works, so it's my fall back if I really can't do it "on my own".

I will post my challenge start weight & stats and progress to keep myself honest. :o) Wish me luck and send some extra consistency my way.

Heat 1, me 0

So it's official. My workout streak ended today. It was about 85 degrees in the house at noon and I was sweating just sitting on the floor checking my email. I may try and do something tomorrow morning, but given the fact it is tomorrow, it's pretty doubtful. I figure, my body's working overtime to try and keep cool, so I'll skip putting into super stress since I still have to keep Noah fed.

Noah's now on stage 2 baby food. I'm excited for him to try new fruits and veggies and start throwing in some meats. I really want to start working on finger foods, but he tends to grab them and just hold them and not try to eat them. He also is pretty much crawling. While he doesn't have the arm/leg movements coordinated, he does move forward (and backward) and can purposely turn around. He also discovered a love for typing on the laptop, hence why I'm blogging at 1am instead of while he's nearby. He's also been eyeing my cell phone and the remote (it glows). Just like Em, total tech bug.

Em drew a beautiful circle today with her bath crayons. I'm really proud of her. I was drawing shapes for her this afternoon and I'm glad it's starting to stick. She was obsessed with me drawing octagons, but I have to say that her square, triangle & heart looked pretty much like circles gone awry. :o)

I'm debating on getting cloth training pants and just coercing Em into potty training. She can, she is just being stubborn. Of course, I'm also really inconsistent with making sure she tries often. I think I just don't want to have success one day and it be a fluke. We'll see. I have stashed away some pretty cool rewards for her, but need to figure out what the small treats will be when we start out.

I am also going to start searching for a nanny. I got a job lead today that looks promising, and is a longer term contract, so I definitely know the income will help (well, whatever is left after child care). I think it's time I started having more adult time and less be with the kids time. I love being at home with them, and love being a mom, but I'm taking them for granted and I think it will be good for them to be around someone else who won't be as lax with throwing schedules to the wind. I would love to put them in a good, structured daycare/early learning center type of environment, but I don't have $3,000 per month to just give away, not to mention, I'm sure the wait list is long. I also don't want to send the kids to different places.

Here's the catch. I know nothing about searching for a nanny. I don't know what questions to ask, what kind of hours/pay is reasonable, if I should ask them to do more than just watch the kids... You get the picture. Clueless mama here. I think I just assumed when the time came, they'd be in daycare or preschool. I mean, I fully think that Em will be in preschool sometime in the not too distant future anyway, but I think now would be the appropriate time for her to be placed on a wait list for when she's 3. I think the other part that is hard is searching for someone that we may or may not end up needing. I mean, we can't afford to have a nanny full time if I'm not working. Heck, we probably can't really afford one if I am, but we'll have to make due.

The other thing this job makes me think about is that I hope the market picks up soon and Kyle can find a job back up in this area. Mine would be about 25 minutes away, give or take, and in the opposite direction as his is. So relocating closer to his job becomes less practical as I would be stuck in terrible commuting traffic. I know I need to just sit back and pray about it all. God will line up everything to work as it should, I think I'm just nervous for the uncertainty. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities. I actually sent the job description to Kyle to have him read and tell me if he thought I'd be a good fit. How sad is it that I don't know?!? It makes me sad to a degree to know that we need money to survive and that a salary paid in smiles, giggles and sloppy wet kisses and hugs just won't pay the bills.

In fact, now that I imagine not spending the day with both of the kids, I am brought to tears. I love those two SO much. I am sure that I'm going through the same insecurities and feelings that all working mothers have, well, at least the ones that work because they need to. I'm sure that statement will probably offend someone, but it isn't meant to. I mean, I did go back to work, for a month, but wanted to be at home with Em. She and I are super close, perhaps too close. She had a nightmare the other night that I was gone. I am afraid of how me going back to work will affect her now that she's old enough to realize there is a major change going on. We'll still have the week at camp together, but I wonder how she will handle it. I'm sure that eventually, she'll be fine with whomever cares for her. I think I'm more worried about how I will handle it. While her tantrums and whining drive me crazy, she is such a joy to be around. She's incredibly funny and so loving. She can sense when I'm having a rough day and will come and give me a giant hug, then try to make me laugh. She's so much like Kyle that way. Noah is just 100% chuckles. The only main reason he cries (aside from the normal baby reasons) is because he's frustrated he can't do something. And I know that it's not really him saying words and talking, but it sounds like he says, "mom" and "hi." It's only suspicious to me because he looks straight at me when he says mom.

Well, I think I've rambled on long enough. I'm starting to feel sleepy, so I need to get to bed before my 2nd or 3rd wind kicks in. It's going to be a long, hot day and I need at least a few hours of sleep. ;o)

Making daydreams a reality

I've spent a lot of time lately daydreaming. In those daydreams, I am fit, happy and on an early morning run. Many nights before I go to bed, I think about those daydreams and how I can make them a reality. However, when I wake up in the morning, I either roll back over and go back to sleep, or I am woken up by the kids. There are several opportunities for exercise throughout my day, but I rarely capitalize on them. I know that if I don't workout, I'll never get into shape, and I'll never be able to go running.


This isn't the first time I've tried to lose weight. However, it is the first time I'm doing so specifically for me and my health, not to get pregnant. I don't know if the reason I'm so reluctant to get with it is because I know it's a continual and forever process that won't end, whereas in the past, once there's a positive pregnancy test, all bets are off?


The first time I went through the weight loss process, I followed Weight Watchers and went from 161 lbs to 149 lbs. I gained it all back, plus about 4 more lbs. It did take me longer to gain it back than to lose it...the first time. The second time, I managed to get down to about 145 when I got pregnant with Emily. Gained all the weight back, but settled around 165 post pregnancy. I got back down to 158 when I found out I was pregnant with Noah, and gained the weight back again. Now I'm settled in around 165. With my height, I need to be closer to 115, so I have around 50 lbs to lose.


I have been hard pressed to find the motivation to take those daydreams and start acting on things to make them come true. I had started to workout during the kids' nap right before I got hit with mono. It's been almost 2 months since that happened. I think I finally have gotten over the guilt of letting my body rest and heal. I'm also about over the cold I had. YAY! I think a huge part of that is taking vitamin D. It helps boost the immune system, and my levels have been low for so long. So I often would daydream about my goal body and the life I want to live while the life I have is passing me by.

My point? Yes, I do have one. :o) I am finally taking a stand against my laziness, my depression, my excuses. I found a ton of fitness programs on Netflix streaming while looking for shows for Em. I was impressed with the selection and am currently going through one a day while the kids nap and blogging about it on my sparkpeople account. Yesterday, I chose to do a Jillian Michaels (Biggest Loser) workout - Biggest Winner! Shape Up Front. Um, there should have been a warning (other than that which I read in countless reviews) that if you are a beginner or out of shape, pick something else! I stuck to the workout, having to pause it once for nearly 5 minutes while I struggled to keep my lunch down and not faint in the bathroom. I also can honestly say I missed out on several reps of most of the exercises because of the break neck pace. I now understand how come Tara from Season 7 of the Biggest Loser was always throwing up. So I definitely give her kudos for just doing it and keeping on. I told myself that if I did get sick, I would try to be like Tara. As soon as the workout was over, I stripped off my socks & shoes before I passed out.

Today, after yesterday's overheating episode (it's been 80-85 degrees in our house the last two days and won't be any lower until next week at the earliest), I decided that yoga or pilates would be a better choice. I chose to do CRUNCH Candlelight Yoga. I did this for several reasons, the major being my mood as of late. I have been very high strung and increasingly irritated. It didn't help that Kyle found out on Friday that he had to work Saturday, then Saturday that he had to work today, nor did it help when he told me his coworker fell asleep 3 TIMES at work yesterday. The workout was extremely relaxing for me and I definitely could feel the fresh blood in my muscles. I think if I can keep up doing the yoga in this heat, that perhaps sometime I'll actually give hot yoga a try. Of course, given my propensity to overheat, maybe I shouldn't.

I am feeling hopeful that I will turn this into a good habit and once we get through this patch of heat, may be able to step it up with cardio and get rid of the baby weight x2, the college weight and whatever other weight I'm hanging on to. I know there is a long road ahead of me and that I won't see results overnight, nor will I reach my end goals anytime soon, but I think going into this process with my eyes open, I will succeed.

I simply need to remain consistent, make myself a priority, and stay accountable. I had planned to add some before pics, but our hard drive is offline right now, so I guess I will have to do it tomorrow. :)